The Fundamentals of Eye Contact

Eye contact is a non-verbal communication that can have profound influence on your social and professional interactions. In general, eye contact demonstrates interest and confidence. But it’s not that simple. When is your gaze considered too long? How do you make eye contact when you are speaking with more than one person? If someone doesn’t make eye contact with you, what conclusions do you draw about that person?

Looking at people and meeting their eyes is vital to your professional success. Let’s consider several situations that demand effective eye contact.

Speaking with One Person

When you are involved in a conversation with one person, there will be opportunities for you to talk and others for you to listen.

When you are listening to someone, I believe you should maintain 100% eye contact with this person. I don’t stare at people. I just meet their eyes in a manner that indicates a sincere interest in what they are saying.

If you get a sense that someone is feeling uncomfortable with your eye contact (because they often look down or away during the conversation), I recommend that you occasionally break the eye contact for one to two seconds. This should put the person at ease and make for a more productive conversation.

I vividly recall a painful lesson I learned years ago. After completing a sales training for 200 people, a woman came to the podium, introduced herself, and commented on the presentation. As she was talking, I occasionally looked at the other people waiting to speak with me. She then paused and said, “Do you not have an interest in what I am saying?” Ouch! That one really hurt!

Since that time, I have always been conscious about maintaining 100% eye contact with people when there are distractions that could draw my eyes away from them. Because of this uncomfortable experience, I never look away from the person who is talking to me unless someone interrupts me. And even then, as soon as possible, I return my eyes and attention back to the person to whom I was originally talking.

When you are the person talking, it’s acceptable to occasionally look away in order to collect your thoughts. If there are distractions in the room, you must make certain to maintain your focus and eye contact with the person who is listening to you.

Speaking To More Than One Person

When you are taking part in a conversation with a group of two or more people, additional challenges are presented.

When you are with a group and a member of the group is talking, you should give this person your full attention by making 100% eye contact. Have you ever talked to a group of people and wondered who was really listening? The reason you felt that way was because people weren’t making eye contact with you. How did that make you feel? When you make eye contact with people who are talking, they will know you are listening, sense your respect, and appreciate your undivided attention.

If you don’t look at the person talking, they WILL notice. Not only will they notice, but they will also feel disconnected from you and perhaps, even worse, sense a lack of respect.

As the Golden Rule so appropriately states, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” If you want people to listen to you when you talk, then be sure you are listening to them when they talk.

The most challenging part of making eye contact in a group setting takes place when you are the one speaking. It is imperative that you share your eye contact equally with everyone in the group. This action demonstrates that each person is important to you. It also communicates to them that you understand the importance of including them in the conversation.

This lesson not only applies to your business meetings but to your social interactions as well. If you don’t share your eye contact with everyone, it’s likely that someone will feel left out of the conversation and may feel inclined to start a new one with someone else in the group.

Let me give you a personal example of what happens when you don’t make equal eye contact when speaking with more than one person. My wife had been shopping for a new car and asked me to join her to look at a specific one that she was interested in buying. As the salesman talked to us, he spent 90% of his time looking at me and only 10% at my wife. After about two minutes into the conversation, I knew my wife would never buy her car from this salesman. Turns out I was right. When we left the dealership, she told me that she felt excluded from the conversation and that he was rude and disrespectful. His lack of eye contact cost him the sale!

Starting today, when talking with more than one person, challenge yourself to share eye contact equally with each person in the group. It takes practice, but, like anything you practice, repetition will make it more natural.

Your eyes send messages. Establishing and maintaining eye contact with people demonstrates confidence, respect, and genuine interest.

Handshakes Really Do Matter

The impression you make on people through your handshake influences how they feel about you. A proper handshake is even more important when meeting people for the first time. First impressions are lasting impressions. The manner in which you extend your hand, the degree of firmness, and the timing demonstrate your poise and confidence and will inevitably set the tone for your relationship. In this lesson, we will explore the specifics of handshake etiquette and examine how a handshake can enhance your brand.

I know some of you are thinking, Come on Todd, I know how to shake someone’s hand. But realistically when was the last time you analyzed your handshake? Consider these questions:

  • If you are a male and you meet a female, who should extend their hand first?
  • If you are a male and you are meeting another male, who should extend his hand first?
  • If you are a female and you are meeting a male, who should extend their hand first?
  • If you are a female and you are meeting another female, who should extend her hand first?

Here are the answers:

  • If you are a male and you are meeting a female, you should wait for her to extend her hand first. If she does not initiate a handshake, do not be offended.
  • If you are a male and you are meeting another male, you should always extend your hand first. This is a sign of confidence and self-assurance.
  • If you are a female and you are meeting a male, you should extend your hand first. Even though women are a significant part of the business world, men are still confused about proper behavior. Be mindful and extend your hand. This will put the man at ease and is also a sign of your confidence and self-assurance.
  • If you are a female and you are meeting another female, my successful female friends tell me they always extend their hand first in a business setting.

Here are a few more questions to consider:

  • When should you shake someone’s hand?

Every time I greet a male, I shake his hand. Every time I meet a female who extends her hand to me, I shake it. This simple rule applies if it’s a Super Bowl party or a business meeting.

  • How firmly should you squeeze someone’s hand?

Well, you don’t want to feel like a limp noodle nor do you want to crack their knuckles. The best description I can offer you is “comfortably firm.” This is true for both men and women. In business, I have never heard of an occasion where either a male or female would consider a soft, wimpy handshake acceptable. How would you describe your handshake? Firm? Aggressive? Wimpy? If you don’t know, shake the hand of a good friend and ask for feedback.

As you shake people’s hands, make sure you grip their entire hand and not just their fingers because you closed your hand prematurely. I hate it when that happens!

  • When should you let go of your grip?

The answer: you should let go when they let go. I often encounter people who want to hold my hand for an extra few seconds as they greet me. So as long as they want to hold my hand, I hold theirs.

Furthermore, you don’t want to hurry out of the handshake, as this will be an indication that you are not genuine in your greeting but rather just using the motion as a formality.

One last question. Let’s see how you do on this one.

  • If you extend your hand to people and they do not extend their hand in return, what should you do? Should you retract your hand or hold your hand there until they accept it?

The answer: hold it there until they grasp your hand. Removing your hand conveys a lack of confidence.

Here’s my challenge to you: beginning with the next person you meet, focus on making a positive impression of yourself through your handshake. It may be a little uncomfortable or awkward at first, but, like every lesson you are learning, the more you practice it, the better you will do.

If you will focus on doing the little things to make a positive impression on others, your value to the market will grow and your life will become more enjoyable and fulfilling.

Modeling Builds Rapport

 

Have you ever noticed how you are drawn to people with whom you share things in common? This is called the law of attraction and means that you will inevitably be attracted to people into your life that are similar to you. We don’t need to look far beyond our close friends to understand that we are drawn to people with similar interests. So, how can you use this natural tendency to your advantage in all of your relationships?

Two key methods come to mind:

  • Become aware of activities, interests, and relationships you may have in common with people and pay particular attention during conversations. You may both have children, you may both work in the same part of town, you may both have a son who plays soccer, or you may both like Thai food.
  • Model people. What do I mean? Modeling is a technique to mirror or match the non-verbal and verbal communication of others. As an example, when I am around people who talk softly, then I moderate my voice and speak softly. If they talk slowly, then I will do my best to match their speed and speak slowly. If they lean back in their chair, then I will casually lean back. If their legs are crossed, then I will cross my legs.

 

Throughout my career, I have made it a point of asking people questions with the goal of identifying things we have in common. Once I identify something we have in common, I transition the conversation to that subject. When I do, I almost immediately feel them connecting with me.

Now you may think that people will notice that you are modeling them and misinterpret the behavior as mimicking. While there is a risk of this occurring, it really depends on how obvious you are in your modeling. For example, if I am sitting at a table with someone who leans back in their chair, I won’t instantly lean back; rather, I will wait a couple of seconds to model their position.

I have been using this method of building rapport for almost the entirety of my professional career, and I am not aware of a time when someone picked up on the fact that I was modeling him or her. After all, why should people be suspicious? You are just like them.

There will also be occasions when you will want to lead those you are modeling. For instance, if you are with a prospective client and you find yourselves both leaning back while engaging in small talk, a posture change would be appropriate when the conversation shifts to the business at hand. In that scenario, it may be appropriate to change your posture and lean forward to emphasize or show them something. In most cases, they will follow your lead and lean forward.

This past week, a gentleman with enormous energy interviewed me. I had done my research prior to the interview and knew I would have to step up my energy to match his. When we were finished, he gave me a high five and said, “Todd, that turned out great!” I am confident that modeling my energy with his created an instant bond.

I first learned of the technique of mirroring and modeling in Anthony Robbins’s bestselling book Unlimited Power. If you would like to learn more about this powerful rapport-building technique, I would encourage you to read this book. It was one of the best books I have ever read.

One of the greatest benefits of mirroring and modeling is its ability to accelerate the rapport-building process. In my real estate career, modeling enabled me to quickly build rapport with my prospective clients, most of whom I had never met before our initial meeting. The end result was 92% of these residential sellers selected me to sell their homes.

If you take the time to build rapport, you will establish an environment of trust and understanding. It is from this foundation that meaningful relationships are built.

Modeling requires a conscious effort. Choose a safe situation to practice, perhaps with a good friend or a family member. Mirror their voice tone, tempo, and posture. It may be awkward at first, but you will soon recognize its value. Just have fun with it. You have nothing to lose.

Modeling people is one of the fastest and most effective ways to build rapport.

The Power of Your Smile

If I were to rank all the factors that go into creating a likable personality, I would have to place a friendly smile at the top of the list. A warm, authentic smile communicates feelings that words alone can’t possibly accomplish. A great smile radiates warmth, puts people at ease, and makes a good first impression.

The Impact Of Your Smile

As you meet people, you will see a wide range of smiles. These smiles will vary from the “habit smile,” where they are smiling subconsciously, simply because they know they should smile, to the “it’s really nice to see you smile,” where their smile is communicating an authentic interest in you.

Just as the smiles of others make an impression on you, your smile, or lack thereof, makes an impression on them. Your smile can be one of your most powerful branding tools and it’s as easy as lifting your cheeks and showing your teeth!

If you start smiling more, you will instantly begin to attract more people into your life. Your smile will make people feel welcome and appreciated. You will appear more confident, you will have a better attitude, and your value to the market will grow. Smiling will also improve your health by reducing stress, boosting your immune system, lowering your blood pressure, and making you look younger.

Greeting People

To make a positive impression on people you are greeting, look into their eyes and offer a warm, friendly smile as you tell them how pleased you are to meet or see them. This technique utilizes both verbal and non-verbal expression. To enhance your impression, include their name in your greeting and, if appropriate, offer a firm handshake.

Spending Time With People

Not only do I want to encourage you to focus on your smile when greeting people, but I also want to challenge you to focus on smiling more in all of your communications in person or even on the phone. Yes, people can actually “hear” your smile on the phone. The more you smile when talking with people, the more people will be drawn to you, and the more they will like you.

If you are in sales, remember if people like and trust you, they will be more inclined to do business with you. If you are striving to be a leader, the more people like you and trust you, the more likely they are to follow you.

An Intentional Effort is Required

For some people, smiling comes naturally. For others, they actually have to remind themselves to smile. I have to be very intentional about smiling because it doesn’t come naturally to me. When speaking in front of a large group of people, I have to really focus on smiling. I have learned that the more I smile during my presentations, the more people like me. And the more they like me, the more they are open to what I have to say.

On a scale of 1-10, how would you rank the impression you are making on others through your smile? Be honest!

Let me offer you a simple challenge. Over the next 24 hours, be extra intentional about smiling at everyone you see. Whether it’s the person in the car next to you at the light, your neighbor, or your spouse, think about the message you are communicating through your smile. If you don’t tend to smile a lot, then this will require extra effort on your part, but it will be well worth it.

If you will do this one simple thing, not only will you be happier, but you will also immediately notice a difference in how people respond to you. Give it a shot; it will be fun!

Your smile not only influences how people feel about you, but it is also a great way to express your love, appreciation, and respect to those who are important to you.

How Likable are You?

One of the most important keys to living a happy, healthy, and fulfilling life is your ability to build meaningful relationships. While there are many factors that influence the relationships you have with others, being a likable person ranks near the top of the list. Likable people are those who do the little things to connect with people.

The Importance of Being Likable

All the great teachers of personal achievement, from Napoleon Hill to Anthony Robbins, have talked about the importance of creating a likable personality. Dale Carnegie’s famous book “How to Win Friends and Influence People” was one of the best books I have read on the subject.

Generally speaking, people who have a likable personality enjoy greater success, both personally and professionally. The logic is simple; people are subconsciously drawn to people who are likable.

Regardless of your career path, you can improve your brand and increase your value to the market by becoming a more likable person.

Evaluate Yourself

So, being honest with yourself, on a scale of 1-10, how likable are you? If your friends and business colleagues or your spouse and children were to rank your likability on a scale of 1-10, what would they say?

Answer these questions honestly to identify the areas where you can improve:

* When speaking with other people, are you genuinely engaged and interested in what they have to say?

* Does your smile communicate an authentic interest in the other person?

* When people are speaking, are you patient? Do you let them finish before responding?

* Will you get in the back seat of the car so your friend can sit in the front seat?

* Do you remember people’s names?

* Do you accept responsibility when you are wrong?

* Do you say please when asking people to do something for you, even if they are being paid to do it?

* Do you offer your sincere appreciation to those who have done something to help you, even if it’s within their job description?

* Are you friendly in your e-mails?

* Are you complimentary of others when they deserve it?

* Do you encourage others when given the opportunity?

* When having dinner at a friend’s home, will you pitch in and help do the dishes?

* Do you practice humility?

* Do you listen more than you talk?

* Do you offer a heartfelt apology when you have hurt someone without making excuses?

* Do you make people feel comfortable when they are around you?

* Do you try to maintain a positive attitude at all times?

This is just a short list of the actions we take on a daily basis that will determine whether people view us as likable. The great news is that 100% of these things are within your control.

There is Always Room For Improvement

When I first took this lesson to heart, I was extra intentional about doing the little things to be more likable. For example, I was friendlier to the store clerks where I shopped and more encouraging and complimentary of my own children. While I had known about the importance of being likable for many years, this exercise was a humbling reminder that there is always room for improvement, and I am no exception.

Start By Doing the Easy Things

If you want to create a more likable personality, here is the key: you must be INTENTIONAL about doing the little things that will make you a more likable person. Let me offer you the same challenge I once made to my son when he was 16.

Jake worked at a local grocery store where he normally just focused on doing his job. One day, at the beginning of his work week, I challenged Jake to go out of his way to be friendly. On the first day, he went out of his way to be friendly to two customers. On the second day, ten customers; on the third day, 34 customers; and on the fourth day, 54 customers. Get the picture?

As a result of this simple challenge, he was standing taller, walking with a bounce in his step, and taking more pride in the person he was becoming. At the time, it was the fastest I had ever seen his self-confidence grow. The store manager even noticed and told him what a great job he was doing.

Will you accept my challenge? Will you focus on becoming a more likable person?

What are some of the things that make people likable? Post your ideas in the comment section below.

People have choices. They will always choose to associate with someone who is likable. Are you?

What’s Your Brand?

Have you ever stopped to think that everything you do or neglect to do affects a person’s impression of you? It is true that the way people view you impacts every aspect of your life—from your career to your personal relationships. Nothing is exempt. In today’s lesson, you will learn that the little things you do and say form an indelible imprint.

Just as products carry a brand, people also carry a brand. Branding is how the world sees you; the impression you make on others; the values you stand for; the qualities that mold your personality; the characteristics that make you stand out from the crowd.

Evaluating Others

How important is the brand we wear?  Think about these simple questions.

•    Do you notice people who have a bad attitude?
•    Do you notice people who dress poorly?
•    Do you notice when people to whom you are talking don’t seem to be listening?  That interrupt when you are talking?  That talk too much? That talk too loud?  That use inappropriate language?
•    Do you notice people in restaurants who talk on their cell phones?
•    Do you notice women who apply makeup at the dining table?

How do these things affect your evaluation of these people?  Whether you realize it or not, you are forming an opinion about them.  The things they do, the way they look, and the words they speak are branding themselves in your mind.

Think of your co-workers.  Which person stands out as someone you would rather not work with?  If you were to describe his or her brand, what would it be?  Think of your neighbors.  Which person is your least favorite and why?

Evaluating Self

Now let’s move closer to home.  How do you think you have branded yourself?

•    If your co-workers were to sit in a conference room and describe you on a chalkboard, what words would they use?
•    If your friends were to depict you, what characteristics would they list?
•    If your business acquaintances were to portray you, what picture would they paint?
•    If your children were to tell their friends about you, what would they say?
•    If your spouse was to “tell all,” what characteristics would he or she put on a list?
•    At your funeral, as people reflect on who you have been and the experiences they have had with you, what will be their dominant thought?  When they listen to your eulogy, what would you like for them to hear?

We are all branding ourselves every day in every way—by the type of cars we drive, their condition and cleanliness; by how we dress, fix our hair, or wear makeup; by our physical shape and health; by the way we talk and even walk.

Tony Jeary—popular author, speaker, and communication coach—said, “Every day, in dozens of different ways, you’re sending a message out to the world. The wrong message will cost you respect, career promotions, and perhaps relationships. And the right messages will enable you to achieve your personal and professional best.”

Chelsea Greenwood—owner of a 1.4 billion-dollar marketing firm—said, “You are your own brand whether you like it or not.  And every experience has a lasting impression.”

Regardless of race or age, position or education, you have the opportunity to grow and develop skills, build positive relationships, create an attractive personality, reach your goals, and enjoy a happy and fulfilling life.

Discovering Your Brand

Who you are—reflected through your brand—will affect a multitude of issues that in all likelihood you have not previously thought about or have blamed on outside circumstances.  Perhaps you are not aware that who you are—your personality, attitude, words, and actions—impacts many areas of your life. Below are some examples of how your brand can play a significant role in your ultimate success and happiness.

•    Your influence on others—leadership
•    The level of pay increase you receive
•    Whether you are selected for the next promotion
•    Whether you are the one selected to be laid off or retained
•    How receptive people are to your ideas and suggestions
•    The type of friends you attract
•    How well you are accepted, liked, or disliked
•    Whether you are asked out on a second date
•    What people think about you or say about you
•    Whether you are included in events or intentionally excluded
•    The relationship you have with your spouse or friends
•    Your image in the eyes of your children or neighbors
•    The level of respect people have for you
•    Your ultimate fulfillment and satisfaction

My Challenge to You

Starting today, become aware of how the decisions you make are viewed by others. Whether you are greeting a clerk at a convenience store or attending an important business meeting, start presenting yourself to the world in a way that’s consistent with the brand you want to create for yourself. Start with the things that are easy to change. As you succeed in making a difference in those areas, you will gain the confidence necessary to tackle the more challenging items.

The brand you create for yourself is made up of little things you can control.  Start today to build a brand that makes you proud.

The Importance of Being On Time

Have you noticed that tardiness is on the rise? People are chronically late for work; for their child’s teacher conference or athletic contest; or even for parties and celebrations. As the old saying goes, “they will even be late for their own funeral.”  Yet, punctuality is one of the key ways that we can positively brand ourselves.

Today, we will explore why it is so important to be on time for all of your scheduled events. Whatever your appointment may be—a phone call, a business meeting, or a dinner engagement—you should always strive to be on time.

Why Be on Time?

Being on time:

  • Demonstrates that you are diligent and dependable.
  • Indicates that you honor your commitments and you can be trusted.
  • Shows that you have respect for other people and that you care as much about their time as your own.
  • Sets a good example for your children and others who look up to you.
  • Builds self-confidence and success.

One of the common attributes of all successful people is that they view their time as a precious resource. When you are late for appointments with people who value their time, you will have wasted one of their most valuable assets and there is a good chance they will view you as rude, irresponsible, and disrespectful. Is this how you want to brand yourself?

Not only should you make every effort to be on time for business-related appointments, but you should also do your utmost to be on time for personal commitments. Valuing your friend’s time and earning their respect is an important part of your individual reputation.

Let’s now look at two specific business scenarios where punctuality is critical.

Keeping Appointments

Not only should you strive to be on time for an appointment, but I also recommend that you set a goal to arrive at least five minutes early.

Four Reasons You Should Arrive Early:

1.  To give yourself a buffer in case something delays you. Planning to show up at the exact time of your appointment leaves no room for error.

2.  To be relaxed for the appointment. Running through the door stressed out because you were rushing never reflects well on you.

3.  To make sure you are prepared for the appointment. Always arrive early so you will have a few minutes to relax, think about your agenda, and get organized.

If I am meeting with some prospective clients at a restaurant, I select a table out of the way. Being early gives me the opportunity to determine the best location for the meeting and ensure that the clients are not distracted.

4.  To avoid making up an excuse for being late.  I don’t know about you, but I hate listening to excuses, and even worse, I hate making excuses.

When I was a Realtor, I would arrive for my appointments five minutes early to gather my presentation materials and review any notes I had taken. Then at the exact time of the appointment, I would ring the bell. This was an easy way to make a great first impression.

Making Scheduled Phone Calls

When you schedule phone calls, always be clear about who’s responsible for initiating the call. When you don’t know who is initiating the call, then accept the responsibility and make the call at the scheduled time.  This puts you in control.

If you are the person responsible for initiating the call, what kind of impression will you make?  Will it be positive, neutral, or negative?  If you want to really gain an edge in life, take advantage of all opportunities to make a positive impression on others.

  • Negative Impression—If you call more than five minutes early or more than five minutes late, you run the risk of making a negative impression.
  • Neutral Impression—If you call one or two minutes early or one or two minutes late, you will likely not make any impression because it’s what most people do.
  • Positive Impression—When you call at the exact time of your call, you have the opportunity to make a positive impression.  I have had hundreds of people tell to me, “Wow, you are right on time!”  That comment tells me that I made an impact!

When you have a call scheduled, write it in your appointment book and, if necessary, set your cell phone alarm to notify you two minutes in advance.  Then, at the exact time, press “send.”

When Your Best Plan Fails

Circumstances do arise and it won’t always be possible to be on time. If you are going to be late for an appointment, call as soon as you know you are going to be late. This allows others to plan their schedules accordingly. Cell phones, PDAs, and other technology make this an easy thing to do.

When you are on time, you enhance your brand. When you are late, you devalue your brand.  Being on time is a choice.

Let me encourage you to take pride in being a person who is always on time and prepared for your appointments. Remember, there is no downside to showing up early, but there is a significant downside to showing up late.

Is being on time a challenge for you? I encourage you to share your experiences in the comment section below.

You can be respected as someone who is always on time if being on time is important to you.

How to Make Critical Decisions

In How to Make Great Decisions, I shared with you two simple, four-word questions that can have a profound impact on your success rate in making basic, everyday decisions. Today, we are going to examine how former President Bill Clinton made critical decisions during his tenure as President of the United States.

I learned about his decision-making process at a leadership event for church leaders at Willow Creek Community Church.  One of the guest speakers was former President Bill Clinton. As part of the interview, Pastor Bill Hybels asked President Clinton what was the hardest decision he had faced as President. He responded by saying, “Sending young men and women to war.”

Pastor Hybels’s next question was, “How did you make that type of decision?”  President Clinton responded by describing a process of making decisions that I have used to make every major decision since then.  Here are the key points I took away from that interview:

A President’s Process for Decision-making

•    Seek wise counsel—He brought together the highest-ranking, most valued members of his team, including those who had the greatest insight, into the situation.

•    Understand the facts—With this group, he thoroughly discussed the key facts of the situation so he would have a complete understanding of the challenge at hand.

•    Discover all options—The team then brainstormed and listed every realistic option they could think of.

•    Reduce your options—After considering all available options, they would narrow the list down to the most obvious choices.

•    Explore the pros and cons of each option—The team then would make a list of the pros and cons of each option.  After completing this step, the top two or three options were generally obvious.

•    Focus on the cons—They would then dissect each con and discuss how they would handle it if it had to be addressed.

•    Make the decision—After going through this process with his most valued advisors, President Clinton would make his decision.

Importance of Teamwork

Pastor Hybels then asked President Clinton, “Do you look for consensus among the members of your team in making these types of critical decisions?

He said he would always seek consensus among his team.  He said, “If I bring together my best people and go through this process, I would like for us to collectively agree on the best solution.”

Since listening to this interview and incorporating the decision-making process recommended by President Clinton, I have made very few bad decisions. Like many of you, I have been kicked in the teeth enough times to realize the importance of seeking wise counsel and removing all emotion from my decisions, planning for the worst-case scenario, and then making my decisions based on facts and logic.

If you have any tips that you have found beneficial in making critical decisions, please share them in the comment section below.

As I wrap up this three-day series on decisions, remember, your life is a reflection of all your decisions. You can improve your life by improving your decisions.

How to Consistently Make Good Decisions

In Our Lives Are Mirror Images of the Little Decisions We Make, I talked about the hundreds of little choices we make each day that play a crucial role in every part of our lives. These choices were defined as “either/or” choices, such as Do I get up and exercise as I had planned, or do I sleep in and skip exercising? Today, you’ll discover a fast and easy way to consistently make great decisions. It’s as simple as answering two questions:

  • What are the facts?
  • What are my options?

The Two-Step Formula

Let me tell you a story about how I used this formula to solve a series of problems.  It was late one night as I was returning from a presentation in Miami.  Preoccupied with the events of the day, I failed to check my gas gauge.

As I was traveling the 75-mile stretch of Alligator Alley that crosses the Everglades, my car choked and died.  This is not a good place to be stranded, especially late at night.  There is only one exit and this road has the reputation of being a dangerous stretch because of thugs hanging out just waiting for a traveler like me.

What should I do?  As I always do when faced with such a decision, I asked myself two questions!

Question #1:

What are the facts?

I ran out of gas and the closest exit was at least 15 miles away.

Question #2:

What are my options?

This question is the key to making great decisions and the most important takeaway from today’s lesson. After gathering the available facts, you ask yourself, “What are my options?” Here is the key to this step: you must be creative and consider every possibility before making your decision.

Back to Alligator Alley… these were my options:

  • Since I am a member of AAA, I could call them.
  • Since I am a member of my car company’s roadside service program, I could call them.
  • I could hitchhike to the closest exit.
  • I could walk to the closest emergency call box on the side of the road and phone for help.
  • I could call the Florida highway patrol and seek their help.
  • I could call the Florida Road Rangers, who offer roadside assistance to distressed motorists.

In this situation, I didn’t want to take any chances or count too heavily on one option, so I immediately called AAA, my car company’s roadside program, the Florida highway patrol, and the Florida Road Rangers, and I called for help from the emergency roadside phone. I did everything except hitchhike because of the risks involved. One might think that I overdid it by selecting almost all of my options. But pursuing multiple options can be an important part of your decision-making process. It certainly was on Alligator Alley.

One hour passed.  Although the Florida highway patrol said they were sending an officer, they never showed up.  AAA told me repeatedly that help was on the way, but none showed up. My car company’s roadside service truck never showed up, and no one answered the phone from the emergency roadside phone.

Finally, a Florida Road Rangers’ truck showed up. Great news, right?  No, because as he got out of the truck he locked the door with his keys, phone, and radio in the truck. Although the gas cans were easily accessible in the back of the truck, he refused to give me gas because he feared I would leave him alone alongside the road by himself.

Understanding the new facts of the situation, I now had another decision to make, so I asked, “What are my options?”

  • I could sit back and wait for one of the people I previously called to show up.
  • I could call everyone again and speak to his or her superiors.
  • I could go back to the emergency box and continue to try to reach someone.
  • I could persuade the Florida Road Ranger to break a window in his truck.

The first three options again brought no results. Another hour passed. My only option left was to try to convince the truck driver to break his window.  After offering him $100, he accepted my payment and broke his window.

In making the first decision, if I had stopped with the most obvious options, I would never have thought about calling the Florida Road Rangers, and after two hours no one would have shown up.  When making the second decision, if I had not considered all my options, I would never have thought about offering him $100 to break his window.

Make Great Decisions Every Time

After using this simple two-question decision-making process for more than 10 years, it is now part of my DNA. Every time I have a decision to make, I immediately ask myself two questions:  1) What are the facts? 2) What are my options?  Of the thousands of decisions I have made using this formula, I have found the right decision is almost always obvious.

When you are next faced with making a decision, ask yourself “What are the facts?” and “What are my options?” Then analyze your results. As you begin using this basic formula, you will seldom make a bad decision. If you do, it will generally be a result of you not taking the time to consider all your options.

Tomorrow, we will take this subject to the next level as I share with you how to go about making critical decisions.

If you analyze the facts, consider your options, and be creative in your thought process, you will consistently make GREAT decisions.

Our Lives Are Mirror Images of the Little Decisions We Make

Over my career, I have read and heard thousands of quotes from great leaders, but there is one I replay in my mind more than any other. Jim Rohn, one of the greatest personal-development teachers of our time, said, “Success comes from making a series of good decisions over time, while failure comes from making a series of bad decisions over time.”  I believe this is one of the most accurate statements of human achievement ever articulated.

Decisions to Ponder

Every day we each make hundreds of little decisions, most of which seem inconsequential at the time. But every decision—no matter how little—will lead us closer to or further from our goals.

Today’s lesson will focus on what I define as “either/or” decisions, because you’re deciding to “either” do something “or” not do something.

  • Do we get out of bed early enough to properly prepare for the day?
  • Do we straighten up our bedroom and make the bed before heading out the door?
  • Do we dress and groom ourselves so that we make a positive impression on people?
  • Do we make food choices that will improve our health?
  • Do we control interruptions so we can focus on our responsibilities?
  • Do we set aside specific time to spend with our children?
  • Do we show our spouses that we love them?
  • When talking on the phone, do we sound happy to be speaking to the other person?
  • Do we exercise even when we don’t feel like it?
  • Do we think about what we want to say before speaking?
  • Do we show courtesy by holding the door open for someone else?
  • Do we compliment people when they are deserving of one?
  • Are we friendly in our emails?
  • Do we say please and thank you?
  • Do we show people respect by letting them finish talking before responding?
  • Do we apologize without making excuses when we are wrong?
  • Do we have a positive attitude even when things don’t go our way?

The Power of Our Decisions

These and hundreds of other little decisions we make each day may seem insignificant when looked at individually, but when looked at collectively, they influence every part of our lives. From our relationships to our health, no part of our lives is exempt from the effects of these little decisions.

We are where we are and who we are at this very moment in life based on the decisions we have made. Our physical health is largely the reflection of our decisions. Our finances are what they are because of our decisions. Where we work and what we earn is the outcome of our decisions. The state of our relationships is the result of our decisions. Everything we have or don’t have is a reflection of our decisions.

We can avoid accepting personal responsibility for our decisions by blaming others, but if we consider how something occurred, it all points to a decision we made.  From time to time, there will be exceptions, but if we are honest with ourselves, our lives are a mirror image of our decisions.

There is also a positive side effect of intentionally making good decisions.  When you make wise choices regardless of how little they may be, you will feel happy with yourself and who you are becoming because you will know you are doing the right thing.

Improving Our Decision-Making

If deep down inside you want to become a better person and enjoy greater success and fulfillment in your life, then consider these suggestions:

  • Accept responsibility for your decisions and stop blaming others for where you find yourself today. This is the first step forward.
  • Become aware of the decisions you are making every day and start making decisions consistent with the person you want to become.
  • Believe in yourself and in your ability to make good decisions. Follow your gut and do what you feel is right; 95% of the time you will make the right decision.  Like any skill, as you become intentional about making positive decisions, you will get better and better.

What methods do you use to make these little daily decisions? Which ones present the most challenges? I encourage you to share your thoughts in the comment section below.

Tomorrow, we’ll go beyond the basic “either/or” decisions described in this lesson and I will share with you a simple formula for making decisions at the next level.

The little decisions you make each day will form the person you become tomorrow.

The Hidden Benefit of Discipline

In yesterday’s lesson, I revealed what I believe to be the single most important key to success: discipline, defined as doing the things you know you should do, even when you don’t feel like doing them.  Jim Rohn defined discipline as the bridge between goals and accomplishment. Today, I am going to build on that lesson by sharing with you a hidden benefit of being a disciplined person.

Discipline Brings Self-satisfaction

When you employ the self-discipline I discussed yesterday and do the things you know you should do, not only will you achieve greater personal and professional success, but you will also feel fantastic about the person you are becoming in the process.

Stop and think of the last time you were disciplined and pushed yourself to do something you didn’t want to do. How did you feel about yourself? The reason you felt proud of yourself is that each time you employ the discipline to do what you know you should do, you can’t help but feel good.

Discipline Grows Self-respect

When you continue day after day, week after week to make good decisions and do the things you know you should do, your self-esteem, your self-confidence, your self-worth, and every other self-value will grow.

On the reverse side of the equation, when we don’t do the things we know we should do, we feel frustrated and disappointed with ourselves. After all, how can you feel good about yourself when you don’t do the things you know you should do?  Is it even possible to feel good about yourself when you are consistently not doing what you should?

In my case, I don’t believe any other human factor has played a more significant role in how I feel about myself. When I make good decisions and do the things I know I should do, I’m proud of myself. When I make a lame excuse and don’t do what I should, I feel like I let myself down.

Be Intentional About Your Actions

Here’s my challenge for you today: over the next 24 hours be intentional about doing the things you know you should do but don’t feel like doing. If you are married, surprise your spouse with a gift. If you have offended a friend, call and restore that broken relationship. If you have neglected to return a call or email, do it now. After this 24-hour period, come back to this post and tell me if it made a difference in how you feel about yourself. I will be anxious to read your results.

Here’s my final tip of the week: when you do the things you know you should do, be sure to recognize and reward yourself, because in most cases, no one else will.

I hope you found value in my first week’s lessons. Thank you for allowing me to share this experience with you.

“Self-discipline is simply the consistent behavior that moves us toward our goals.  It is a series of choices that favors our betterment rather than indulge our whims.”
Dawn Williams

Your Greatest Obstacle

Yesterday, I outlined a simple, easy-to-follow step-by-step formula for achieving success at anything that is important to you. Today, we will explore what will be your greatest obstacle to achieving any goal on your list. I will also challenge you with a solution that, when acted upon, can accelerate your results.

While there are many elements that will play a role in your ultimate success and happiness, if I had to identify the single most important of them—the one you could not be successful without—it would be discipline. I hate to say it, but not even integrity ranks higher because you can be successful in a specific area of focus without integrity. I have seen people succeed with all kinds of weaknesses, but I have never seen anyone achieve any great accomplishment without discipline.

Brian Tracy, a leading author on the development of human potential, said, “If I had to pick the #1 key to success, it would be…self-discipline. It is the difference in winning or losing; between greatness and mediocrity.”

Discipline Speeds Up Results

Not only is discipline critical to your success, but it is also the ultimate accelerator to any great accomplishment.  Here’s what I mean.

When I started selling real estate, I was 23 years old.  As with any 23-year-old, I was young and inexperienced in both business and in life. As you can imagine, I was at a great disadvantage when going head-to-head with more experienced and successful Realtors. After all, how likely would you be to select an immature, unproven Realtor to sell your home?

While I focused on all the little things I could do to improve the impression I made on people, the one thing that turbo-charged my income more than any other single element was my discipline.

Every day, I sat down in my little cubical. Struggling to breathe with my heart beating out of my chest, I picked up the phone and made phone call after phone call. I was scared to death. Pushing myself out of my comfort zone day after day was the one thing other Realtors were unwilling to do. While they sat and pondered about what they should be doing, I was doing it! At the end of my first full year as a Realtor, I sold over 60 homes and earned over $250,000. In today’s economy, that would be over $500,000.

Yes, I wore a suit.  Yes, I showed up to my appointments on time. Yes, I was prepared.  But no other single factor influenced my success as much as my discipline. In hindsight, no other factor was even a close second.

Even though you may not be in sales, discipline is still equally important to your success and happiness.  If you were disciplined to do all the little things you knew you should do to advance your career, don’t you think you would be more successful?

Overcoming the Obstacle

If you want to become more disciplined, here’s what you must do. The process of becoming disciplined starts by doing the small things. Things like picking up your coffee mug and putting it in the dishwasher, making your bed, returning your calls and emails in a timely manner, being on time for your appointments, getting your project done on time, and so on.

As you practice being disciplined by doing small things, you will then have the discipline to do the big things. This is why the process of becoming disciplined begins by doing the little things—simple things you can do.

Here is my challenge to you: from this point forward, when you need to do something you don’t feel like doing, say to yourself, “If I don’t feel like doing it, then I MUST DO IT NOW!”  Then immediately, without further delay, do it.

As you implement self-discipline into your daily life, you will begin to feel like you are in control of your life. You will feel confident and motivated because you’re moving toward your goals and you will feel proud of the person you are becoming in the process.

The single most important key to success is having the discipline to do what you know you should do, even when you don’t feel like doing it.

Formula for Success

In yesterday’s lesson, I drew the distinction between pursuing things you think are important versus the things that you know are important, and I challenged you to make a list of the things most important to you. Today I am going to share with you a simple, five-step formula for achieving success you can apply to any item on your list.

 

Step 1.  Select an Item

Select one of the most important things in your life in which you have a burning desire to be successful.  Take a few moments right now and think of something that you can use for this exercise.

Step 2.  Identify the Little Things

Make a list of as many little things as you can think of that will play a role in helping you achieve your desired results. You’ll need to stretch your mind to create a list of at least 50 to 100 little things that will be contributing factors in achieving your goal. You will start with the obvious things that everyone else has thought of, but as you stretch yourself, you will then begin to think of the things that will give you the edge—the little things that will help bring about your intended results.

One of the fastest, easiest, and most effective ways to expand your list of little things is to find experts on your topic and read their books and blogs. There are experts on every imaginable subject giving away free information, just as I am doing.  In this day and age, anything you want to know is just a Google search away.

Step 3.  Get Started

Organize and prioritize your list of these little things.  Depending on the topic you’ve selected and your self-confidence, you can prioritize your list by importance, by the sequence in which you would do each item, or by what’s easiest.  If you want to build your self-confidence, start with the easy things.  The most important key is to get started.

As you build your confidence in doing the easy things, you will then gain confidence to do the harder things. And, by the way, I believe all top achievers started by building their confidence by doing the smallest and simplest of things.  This is where I started!

Step 4.  Give Your Best

Strive for excellence as you begin to focus on each item on your list.  I don’t use the term “striving for excellence” loosely.  If you want to be successful at something, you must give it your very best.  Half-hearted efforts are what average people apply to what they do, which is why they are average. If you want to be successful at whatever it is that’s on your mind, you must strive for the highest standard that you are capable of reaching.

As you continue to reach for higher levels, you will achieve higher levels. The compounding effect of small daily improvements is where great success is achieved.

Step 5.  Expand Your List

Continue to look for little things you can add to your list. Many years ago, I set a goal that I was going to be a successful entrepreneur.  My list began with the basics, such as my appearance, how I sounded on the phone, how I greeted people, my discipline in prospecting, being on time for my appointments, making eye contact, showing an interest in people by petting their dog, and so on. I began my list with about 50 little things.  Today I have more than 560 things on my list that have played a role in my entrepreneurial success.

Brian Tracy, one of the greatest personal development teachers of our time, said, “You have to put in many, many, many tiny efforts that nobody sees or appreciates before you can achieve anything worthwhile.”

I learned early on that life is not an easy road; it is often unfair.  I love the challenge of being on the unfair side of the equation.

What side do you want to be on? Tell me what you think below.

You can be successful at anything that is important to you if you will focus on the little things that matter.

Was Napoleon Hill Wrong?

In today’s lesson, you will learn what I believe to be the foundation of all personal and professional achievement.  One of my favorite books is Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill.  In this book, he said, “Desire is the starting point of all achievement.”  For many years, I believed that to be true. But over the last couple of years, I have begun to question whether desire really is the starting point.  Yes, it is absolutely essential, but is there something that precedes it? Something that actually is the foundation to achieving success?

Is Desire Enough?

Throughout my career, I have personally coached hundreds of hopeful entrepreneurs. One of the first things I would do is help them define their goals and desires. This seemed like a logical starting point.
What I found most intriguing was that when it was time for these people to employ the discipline required to do what they knew they should do to achieve those goals, most of them wouldn’t do it.

One study I read years ago indicated that out of 100 people who get a real estate license, only one renewed it the following year.  The other 99 quit.  These experiences have caused me to question why people who have a desire for something do not follow through.

Thinking versus Knowing

While I have many theories, I believe the root cause is this: what they desired was not important enough to them to do the necessary things required to be successful.  Think about it!

So, why I am spending your valuable time teaching this lesson?  Because I firmly believe if you are going to achieve greater personal and professional success, you must stop wasting your time pursuing things you THINK are important and start focusing your efforts on the things you KNOW are important.  It’s a small but critical distinction.

Let me offer this challenge to you. Take a few minutes right now and make a list of the things that are truly important to you. This won’t be difficult because those things will immediately come to mind.

To give you an example, here are the categories on my list: wife, children, parents, siblings, grandchildren, friends, health, financial security, fulfillment, spiritual life, and fun. Your list might include such categories as job, church, community service, travel, education, or hobbies.

Identify and Prioritize

After completing your list, go back over it and prioritize it by identifying the most important item, followed by the second most important, and so on until your list is prioritized.  When you are done, you will have a prioritized list of the things most important to you—a good thing to know.

As you go through this process, be honest with yourself.  Don’t put something at the top of your list that really isn’t the most important.  No one has to see this list.  If you are going to move your life forward, you can’t play games with yourself and pretend things are different than they really are.

If you sincerely want to enjoy a more successful and fulfilling life, take five minutes right now to do this short exercise. From my years of experience, I now believe identifying what’s most important to you is the starting point of all achievement. What do you think?  I’d enjoy reading your comments in the section below.

Live by design, not by default. Start by determining the things important to you.

It’s a New Day!

 

In today’s lesson, you will learn that if you want to enjoy greater success, both personally and professionally, you must put the past behind you and focus on your future. You will also learn the process I have used to move beyond my countless failures to create an amazing life. Are you ready to put the past behind you and design your future?

Are You Being Haunted From the Past?

I once had a friend tell me that everyone in her family was experiencing emotional, physical, or financial stress. My heart went out to her family. Then I thought, but who hasn’t felt stress in at least one of these three categories?

So many people are dealing with other disappointments, failures, and even deep-rooted issues dating back to their childhoods. The problem is when we become excessively preoccupied with these experiences.

Learn From the Past

Here is what I know from failing my way to the top: if you continue to dwell upon your past failures, losses, and disappointments, you cannot advance your life personally or professionally.  The negative emotions generated when you think of things that bring you down prevent you from enjoying and advancing your life forward.

Jim Rohn, one of my favorite teachers, said, “We must not beat ourselves to death with past mistakes, faults, failures, and losses. The greatest opportunity today brings with it is the opportunity to begin the process of change.”

Take Action in the Present

How much time do you spend thinking about things from your past that have a negative effect on your emotions?

Why not make today the beginning of a new life?  Why not make it a new chapter in your biography?  It’s your choice.

Let me share with you the process I use to deal with anything that has a negative emotional drain on me.  Perhaps it can help you.

  1. I always try to keep a positive attitude and look at my challenges as opportunities where I can grow as a person.  The periods of time when I have grown the most as a person have come after my failures.  I’m convinced that you can work through any challenge that comes your way if you look at it as an opportunity to become a better person.
  2. I accept responsibility for my decisions as I analyze what went wrong. This process may take from five minutes, if it is a small failure, to a couple of hours if it’s a sizable one. The longest time I’ve invested in dissecting a failure was two days. It was a giant fiasco.
  3. Once I’ve learned all I can learn from a specific issue, I burn it and move on. I absolutely refuse to allow myself to think of negative, self-defeating thoughts, because I know that negative thinking can destroy every part of my life, including my health.
  4. If people involved have hurt me, I forgive them and do all I can to restore my relationship.  Not only do I believe it is the right thing to do, but I’ve learned it’s a small world and when you treat people the way you would want to be treated, it always pays off.

Create Your Future

Going through this process is easier said than done. In fact, I don’t think there is any time when my self-control is tested more than when I am trying not to think of a distressing thing that has happened. Every time I catch myself thinking about one of my failures or faults, I have a firm conversation with myself and I say, “I’ve learned all I can learn.  I can’t change what has happened. I refuse to think about it any longer!” Then, using my self-control, I change what I am thinking about.

On my big failures, I may have this tough conversation with myself 20 times before I am able to finally stop thinking about it. But with every challenge I have faced thus far in my life, I have been able to use this process to move on and not allow it to negatively affect my life.

If you find yourself experiencing negative emotions from anything in the past, try this process and see if it works for you.

As I conclude this lesson, I want to challenge you to draw a line in the sand separating your past from your future and to begin focusing 100% of your emotional energy on creating your future. You can do it!

If you are ready to begin living the life you have dreamed of—both personally and professionally—sign up for my daily lessons.  I promise to give you my best each day.

If you have found a good way to deal with negative issues from your past, I invite you to share your story in the comments section below this post.

You can enjoy an amazing life if you put the past behind you and focus on the future.

 

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