Don’t Steal the Show

Posted on June 24th, 2010 by Todd Smith - View Comments |

Does it bother you when someone thoughtlessly cuts you off in traffic? How about when you’ve been waiting in an endlessly busy line and someone waltzes right in and slips ahead near the front?

When these things happen to me, I usually end up thinking something along the lines of, “Hey buddy, I’m just as busy as you!” or “Oh really, you think you’re more important than the rest of us?”

Sure, these responses may sound a bit silly after the fact, but we all have similar reactions when someone barges in and unfairly imposes their agenda on us.

Resist the Impulse to Interrupt

It’s no different when it comes to communication. When someone we’re listening to is sharing something that’s important to them, we need to resist stealing their show. In other words, don’t interrupt, don’t cut them off, and don’t take over the conversation by sharing your good news or similar experience in an attempt to relate to whatever the person is talking about.

For example, if a friend has just returned from a vacation to Hawaii and he’s excited to tell you about his vacation and kayaking adventure with his son, it’s not appropriate for you to steal his show and describe your recent trip to Bermuda. Let him enjoy the moment and fully express his experience. He’ll appreciate you as a friend for doing so.

Likewise, if someone you know is going through a difficult time and they are sharing their grief with you, there’s no need to steal their show and interject how you felt when you experienced something similar. Simply allow the person to communicate their feelings. Listening quietly is actually the best way to show you care about the person and what they’re going through.

The reason it’s so important to resist the urge to steal the show is because it selfishly takes the focus away from them and puts it on us. I don’t think it’s anyone’s specific intent to be a show stealer, but I hear it in almost every group conversation I overhear.

Relate to the Person, Not the Moment

Showing empathy (sharing in the emotions and feelings of another) is one of the ways we relate to other people and it’s a good thing. In fact, most of us have learned through experience that it’s one of the best ways to build strong relationships. Nevertheless, it’s important to choose the right way for showing our empathy.

First, it’s important to distinguish between relating to a person and relating to a moment. Be sure your efforts are aimed at relating to the individual, and not a particular experience they have chosen to share with you.

Give the Gift of Listening

Listening is a priceless gift that you can give to the people in your life every single day. When you are a good listener, people are drawn to you and it does wonders to strengthen your relationship with them.

Are you willing to give of yourself by committing to never again stealing someone else’s show? If you are, here are my suggestions:

Listen to the conversations going on around you to hear what show- stealing sounds like. You will be amazed at how common it really is!

Pay specific attention to the person whose joy or experience is being robbed. Notice the facial expression, body language, and overall demeanor. I am sure my face shows it because this is one of the rare things that bugs me.

Focus on listening more and talking less. I have never met a successful business person who couldn’t control his or her tongue. Learn how to be an active listener without stealing the show. An occasional, sincere response along the lines of “Wow, that is amazing,” or “I’m so sorry you’re going through this” will be welcomed.

Finally, the next time you’re listening to someone share an experience and you are preparing to speak, ask yourself, “Am I about to steal the show?” If you are, use your self-control and resist the temptation. When the conversation has concluded and you successfully withheld your comment or story, take five seconds to recognize yourself for doing the right thing.

“To listen well is as powerful a means of influence as to talk well, and is as essential to all true conversation.” —Chinese proverb

Renee Stewart Chittick, a member of the Little Things Matter Facebook community, inspired today’s post.

About the Author: Todd Smith is a successful entrepreneur of 30 years and founder of Little Things Matter. To receive Todd’s daily lessons, subscribe here. All Todd’s lessons are also available on iTunes as downloadable podcasts. (Todd’s podcasts are ranked #27 in America’s top 100 podcasts and #1 in the personal and development field.)

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Tags: appreciation, In-person Communication, Relationships, Things you were never taught

JP Richardson

Great advice! I once heard a quote about how the best speakers are really the ones who listen the most. I think I heard this from Harry Beckwith... not positive. But it makes so much sense, people love those who are willing to listen. I'm sure I'll borrow the phrase "Give the gift of listening"... thanks for this post.
Todd Smith

Hi JP- It is great seeing you back commenting again. Thanks!
vickianzalone

Sometimes the hardest thing to do for me is to control my passion and I have learned that using a mental counter before I respond is best. Stealing someone's thunder really is a desire to be included or accepted which in itself isn't really a negative but with that said I have found the more supportive we are in any given situation from celebrating someone's success to helping a friend mourn a loss, the less we talk the better and the last thing anyone wants to here is me too!! I try and celebrate the successes and just let those who need to mourn do it in their own time. Not easy coming from an A-type Italian Mom........
Todd Smith

Vicki- You certainly are A type Italian. :-) Knowing you as I have over the years, you have always been a respectful listener. Thanks for your comment! Todd
Ernesto Busnelli

Thank you, thank you, thank you.
This "interrupting issue" is something that has always bothered me enormously as well.
I have a pretty populated list of names I can forward your article to.
Hope all is well in Alaska for you.
Todd Smith

Hi Ernesto- It is funny how some of these posts get forwarded more than others. In looking at my stats, this post was forwarded A LOT!

We are having a great time here in Alaska. The wildlife has been amazing. My wife and daughter are going whale watching tomorrow while my son and I climb a glacier. Should be fun!

Todd
donnabrewer

Good morning Todd, another valuable lesson. I have an awkward situation. I'm a nanny to a little boy who is adopted. Whenever his mother and I engage in conversation, he's right there always interrupting. This is ongoing and very disturbing to me. She never says you need to go into the livingroom and play while Aunty Donna and I talk. This is so annoying to me, as we can never have a conversation together while he's around, and he always is. I love this little guy, however when growing up we were never allowed to hang around the table when mother had guests, and were always told gently to go and play or do coloring books. Do you feel I'm justified in feeling as I do? This is very difficult to handle, because she just doesn't get it. Thank you, Donna Brewer
Todd Smith

Hi Donna- There is always a lot to be learned by watching other people's good and bad examples. Being parents is hard, especially since we are often not trained and don't always know the right way to handle things.

As parents my wife and I would always require our kids to gently touch us when they had something to say. Then when we finished our adult conversation, we could turn our attention to whatever it is they had to say. We would never allow them to interrupt us and if they did we reminded them of how to handle themselves when mommy or daddy are involved in a conversation.

If his mother is someone who seems open to parenting feedback, you may want to make this suggestion to her. She may not know how to handle such situations.

Thanks!

Todd
Naomi

Donna, I hope you get an answer to your question, because I see this a lot also. My daughter’s precious children constantly interrupt her when she’s talking - and usually she stops to let THEM talk. I think it’s a bit of that Working Mom guilt, thinking that she isn’t giving enough of herself to them. She is unsure how to handle it also.
Todd Smith

Hi Naomi- I am not sure if you got copied on the message I sent to Donna, but if not click the link in this email to read my response to her. Thanks! Todd
vickianzalone

Hi Donna - coming from a mom of 2 grown sons who have seen it all with their friends and families, if you have been accepted and embraced as the Nanny, they obviously respect you and trust you with their son. I know from a mom's prospective the last thing we want is our kids not being socially proper so I would in a respectful way address your concern out of love and support for this little guy. In the long run the mom will appreciate your input as long as its done with love and care. Hope this helps !!
Todd Smith

Donna- Vicki's feedback makes me think of one other idea. As their nanny you can require them to gently touch you when you are talking and not allow them to interrupt you. This will not only teach them, but also their mom. It's kind of a subtle way of teaching everyone. We learned this technique in a class we took on Growing Kids God's Way.