Loving People the Way They Need to Be Loved

Posted on June 28th, 2010 by Todd Smith - View Comments |

Author: Joy Smith (Todd’s wife)

One of the biggest “little things” we can do to make a difference in every relationship in our lives is to identify the way the people around us need to be loved. When we love people the way they need to be loved, it draws them closer to us and us to them.

The premise of Dr. Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages is that we all have a “love tank” that needs to be filled every day. We all have primary love languages, ways in which we prefer to be loved, or ways that communicate love and affection most effectively.

Five Basic Ways to Communicate Love

Dr. Chapman gives us five basic ways to communicate love. I am sure there are more but let’s stick with the five, and here they are:

1. Words of Affirmation

If this is your primary love language, the way you receive love that speaks the loudest (no pun intended), then the sincere words “I love you” mean a lot. If you receive a note from someone—a thank-you or words of encouragement, praise or appreciation—this will have a bigger impact on you than if someone tried to express love in one of the other ways.

2. Quality Time

Nothing speaks love to you more than one-on-one, undivided attention. Just being together says that you are loved and appreciated by this person more than any other action ever could.

3. Gifts

Ah-h-h! I love this one. Yes, this is one of my primary ways to receive love. I don’t expect you to spend a lot of money; it really is the thought that counts here. Knowing that someone went out of his or her way to pick something up for me, speaks louder than any of the other basic ways to communicate love.

4. Acts of Service

This is one of my primary ways of expressing love. This can be big or small acts of service—washing someone’s car, preparing a meal when a friend is sick, painting a room together, or helping someone with the moving process. Whether big or small, you can show people you love them by serving them.

5. Physical Touch

This could be a pat on the back or a hug. This is an effective way to communicate that you really care for people of every age: especially babies, children, and the elderly who seem to crave this closeness. Even in the work place an appropriate touch for the person whose primary love language is touch will go a long way.

Identifying My Husband’s Language

Early on in my marriage, I would show my husband I loved him by serving him, doing his laundry, cooking and cleaning. We both worked at outside jobs and I believed that one way I could show him how much I loved him was by serving him.

Now, that was great and all those things needed to be done, but that was not his primary love language. Therefore, that did not show him I loved him in the ways he needed to be loved. My husband’s love languages are physical touch and words of affirmation.

Generally speaking you tend to love others in the way you want to be loved, in YOUR primary love language. It can be a challenge to love others the way they need to be loved and not by what comes natural to you.

Identifying Needs of Others

If you have a co-worker, boss, or employee whose primary love language you have identified as words of affirmation, be intentional about telling them what a good job they are doing, or how nice they look, or how they have improved in their position. I guarantee that this will improve your working relationships.

If they prefer quality time, why not ask them out for lunch or coffee and give them your undivided attention.

Identifying Family Needs

If you take the love languages into your home and love your spouse, children and grandchildren the way they prefer to be loved, you will surely improve each of these relationships. Home will become a desired haven, a place of security and peace. If you are unsure as to the love languages of those around, review this list with them and ask which ways are the most meaningful to them.

By identifying the primary love languages in our relationships, both personally and professionally, we can do the “little things” to make a difference.

About the Author: Joy Smith is the wife of Todd Smith the founder of Little Things Matter. She is the mother of four and the grand mommy of Titus. Joy has a heart to take the love of God to the Nations.

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Enjoy Life’s Journey

Tags: Family, Relationships, Things you were never taught

Love Oladele

I discovered your husband's blog two days ago via facebook, he is doing a good job, I will sure frquent his blog. I will like to find out if his book is in Nigeria
Todd Smith

Hi Love,

What a great name! I am responding on behalf of my wife since you asked about the book. I am sorry, but my Distributor does not ship to Nigeria.

You have two options;

1. Download the MP3 files of the book. This will allow you to hear me deliver the 100 lessons.

2. Download the ebook. This is a downloadable version of the book in a PDF format.

You can make these purchases and downloads at www.littlethingsmatterbook.com.

If you have a Kindle or iPad, you can download electronic versions of the book as well from Amazon and the iBookstore.

Thanks for your interest in LTM.

Todd
Loveoladele

I read Five Love Languages years back and it actually helped my marriage, thanks for the post
Todd Smith

Hi Love!

It has definitely made a difference in our marriage as well.

Thanks for your comments!

Todd
susan

After reading this article, I still am unclear as to how to detect or find out, what someones love language is.

Can you help?

Susan in Colorado
Joy Smith

Hi Susan,

I would recommend picking up the book for greater insight. In the meantime you can check out Dr Gary Chapman's website http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ for other resources.

Blessings
Lindseke

I thought this was a good one. I am a person who needs words of affirmation and acts of service, but my husband always buys me gifts. I don't want the gifts! Tell me I'm doing a good job as a mother, for example. He is a person who needs physical touch. I am not the touchy feely type. You are right, it is a challenge to love someone in their love language.
Joy smith

Hi Lindseke,

I would encourage you to communicate with your husband how you are feeling and share the knowledge of your love languages with him, how he can best love you.

My husband and I have very different love languages as well, we have to be intentional on loving each other in our perspective love languages.

Thanks for the comment and blessings to you.
elramirez

This is a great lesson that will help me improve relationships greatly. Understanding that each individual may have it's particular way to be loved it is an important lesson to learn and a skill's time well spent practicing. As soon as I read this I spotted with more clarity how some people close to me expect to be loved while I was having a different view and living by it.

Thank you Joy and Todd!
Joy smith

Thanks for your comment elramirez. Good for you for trying to figure out the love languages of those closest to you.

Blessings
elramirez

Thank you Joy. Blessings and have a great week!
SacWriterEditor

Amen. My ex's language is Receiving Gifts. While he was in grad school, I was the only one with a job. I also was the one who did all the housework so he had time to study, so I was constantly exhausted. Did he notice or even say thank you? NO! All I got was a constant complaint that -- with all the money I was spending on food, shelter and tuition -- I didn't buy him expensive gifts!!!! He felt unloved because I couldn't stretch the budget to buy him a $1000 car stereo.

Meanwhile, he charged $50 floral arrangements to my credit card (i.e., I had to pay for my own flowers) when all I really wanted was help with the dishes.
Joy smith

Dear SacWriterEditor,

I am sorry to hear that. I do know as we try to learn the love languages of those closest to us it is as much a blessing to us as it is to them.

Best
Kaye Norman

Great article. Yes, I've believed for a long time now that the saying "treat others the way you want to be treated" is a little flawed and have tried to live by what you are saying here.... to treat others the way they want to be treated, which is not necessarily the way i want to be treated. We are all different in this respect and I think it works better.
Joy Smith

Kaye I would have to agree with you 100%.
Thanks for the comment.
AccuConference

What a great subject. I never really thought about the fact that by serving my hubby I was simply loving him the way I wanted to be, but that does makes sense. I often wish he would do more of that for me, but he's just not that kind of a guy -- even if he would just see how happy putting away from laundry without being asked makes me!:) And I think we all need more gifts in our lives.
Joysmith121

Thanks for the comment Maranda. I can see a difference in my own marriage when I love my husband the way he needs to be loved:))
Ernesto Busnelli

Very good way to look at a difficult and often neglected subject.
Analizing such a complex issue usually driven by emotion help us improve
self and others understanding of our driving forces.
Thank you and wish you a Joy-full family time :-))
Joy Smith

Thanks Eabus.
Irenek1

This is very helpful and keeps us focused on the important things to do
Joy Smith

You are so right Irene.
Thanks for the comment.
Oliver Tausend

Hi Joy, (what a wonderful name)
thanks for this great article. I suddenly understood why spouses (ourselves included) argue. My wife does something for my kids and me what she considers as an act of love, and we - myself and my kids - don't understand it as such because...we have another love language. Did I get that right ? The same holds true if I do something with best intentions...And yes, it's a challenge to treat others like they want to be treated. I think we are a step further now in our mariage thanks to your article.
Take care
Oliver
SacWriterEditor

My parents have that issue, too. Mom constantly complains that Dad doesn't SAY he loves her. He worked hard and turned over his entire paycheck to her. Even when he was working 6.5 days a week, he spent his limited off-hours doing yardwork. He picks up after himself and does the dishes every night. I never had any doubt that Dad loved me, because he showed it in all those ways. But Mom needs words and he's not that good with words.
Joy Smith

You are exactly right Oliver. You can see if we actually get this concept it can drastically change our relationships for the best!
Kelly Karius

Wonderful topic that we don't think enough about, instead just getting angry with each other and letting a cycle of conflict build. Good job drawing attention to this!
Joy Smith

Thanks Kelly.
donnabrewer

Good morning Joy and Todd, this was a most lovely message and I can see why your mother gave you your name. To look at your picture , then hear your voice, you project a feeling of joy to those around you. You must be of comfort to your children and grandchildren when they need your love and attention. This is a lesson to really think about and act upon. Thank you again, Donna Brewer
Joy Smith

Thanks Donna for your kind words. This is a great concept to continue to work on in our family, and I know generations will benefit.