The Damaging Effects of Sarcasm

Posted on June 30th, 2010 by Todd Smith - View Comments |Click here to print

As I went about my normal routines the past few weeks, I listened closely for some attention-grabbing examples of sarcasm to include in today’s lesson. I was dismayed at the amount of sarcasm I heard.

When I began to intentionally evaluate the damaging effects of sarcasm, I was utterly shocked at how inappropriate, culturally offensive, and downright cruel most of the sarcastic, off-the-cuff remarks turned out to be.  A few decades ago, they were called cut-lows—what a fitting label.

This experience only reinforced my belief that sarcasm doesn’t belong in our interactions with one another.

Sarcasm Hurts and Offends

Though it’s often camouflaged as humor, sarcasm is really just a convenient way for people to express hurt feelings, criticize others, or disapprove of some action without actually coming out and saying what’s on their minds.

Television sitcoms are loaded with sarcastic remarks and, of course, the viewers laugh at the embarrassment the recipient shows.  Don’t be fooled that these are merely clever sayings from quick-witted individuals. Television writers think they are entertaining the audience, but they are really setting an example for viewers to follow. Our children grow up believing this is socially acceptable.

These sharp, cutting remarks are given with the intent to wound or embarrass.  Sarcasm is hurtful to others. At the very least, it’s got tremendous potential to be misunderstood since there is always a ‘hidden message’ involved. I urge you to consider today whether it’s worth risking alienating another person in the interest of getting a laugh.

When you resort to sarcasm to get a point across in a disguised manner, it demonstrates a lack of conviction and courage to say what you really mean. Although an occasional sarcastic remark may seem harmless, remember that people judge your character every day by what you say as well as how you act. The collective result of those judgments is your reputation.

Break the Habit

My challenge to you is this, and I don’t extend it lightly: will you commit to eliminating sarcasm altogether, in all areas of your life? At home, with friends, at school, at work, and everywhere in between?

I won’t sugarcoat it; sarcastic speech is a very difficult habit to break once it has become a part of your communication style. And it’s especially tough if the people around you thrive on the temptation of ‘one-upping’ each other when it comes to sarcastic comments. The truth is sarcasm breeds sarcasm. It’s just that simple.

With that said, please don’t let this intimidate you or stop you from trying! Here are a few ideas to help you break free from the bad habit of sarcasm:

  • Keep a mental or written list of the reactions and consequences you notice when those around you are the target of sarcasm. This awareness alone will be a powerful motivator to change your own behavior.
  • Think before you speak. Considering how your words will be received is a very effective way to monitor your speech.
  • Enlist a trusted friend or partner who is willing to enter a sarcasm-free zone with you.  Agree that you will hold each other accountable when you hear the other person using sarcasm.

I hope you will seriously consider my challenge to you. You can do it, and your reputation will benefit greatly. What do you say?

Eliminating sarcasm may just be one of the most rewarding personal development steps you’ll ever take because it forces you to better express who you really are and what is important to you.

About the Author: Todd Smith is a successful entrepreneur of 30 years and founder of Little Things Matter. To receive Todd’s daily lessons, subscribe here. All Todd’s lessons are also available on iTunes as downloadable podcasts. (Todd’s podcasts are ranked #27 in America’s top 100 podcasts and #1 in the personal and development field.)

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  • Renee
    Thank you for this post! I read it as I was searching your archives... I have long felt this way and I have felt like the "lone voice in the wilderness" when expressing this point of view. Sarcasm may seem funny, but someone is always hurt by it! How different this world would be if we treated each other with respect and caring. There would be no need for sarcasm and relationships would thrive. I will be sharing this! Thanks so much, Renee H.
  • Hi Renee,

    So many people think Sarcasm is funny, but you just never know when something you say hits someone at the wrong time. Then of course, there is the sarcasm that's not funny.

    Thanks for your contribution.

    Todd
  • cake289
    Thank you SO MUCH for this article!!
    I love to laugh at sarcastic jokes, but i've experienced firsthand how sarcastic remarks can be the most hurtful- especially since many people thing their witticisms should make up for their insults.
    my dad and brother would constantly speak to me sarcastically, and it was funny until i realized that most of the time, they spoke to me that way because they didnt take me seriously. it wasnt just because they were being sarcastic, it was the fact that they were being unconditionally sarcastic, always making me the butt of their joke, mercilessly. My brother is one of the funniest people i've ever known, but hes also one of the most hurtful because he thinks his comedic timing makes up for any harm being done, whether its intentional or not.

    i hope this article helps our everyday comedians, myself included, to take a second to figure out what we're really laughing at, cuz the joke cant be that freakin funny if it makes someone feel bad.
  • I appreciate you sharing your experience with your dad and brother! Todd
  • Espressissimo
    The problem is that most people don't get the difference between *irony* and *sarcasm* Irony is a high form of wit, which can be delightful. The very word sarcasm has the same root as in "sarcophagus" or "sarcoma" - from the Greek meaning "flesh", and sarcastic remarks are meant to tear or wound the flesh.
    It has no place in caring relationships. Irony, wit and humor are refreshing. The lame excuse of "whatsa matter? can't you take a joke?" is the mark of a manipulative and sadistic bully.
  • I appreciate your insights and contribution to this post. Have a great weekend. Todd
  • Jerseybertpa
    I totally agree, words can cause invisible scars that can last a life time; they should be used wisely and never at the expense of another. Many people who are the most sarcastic and opinionated are usually the most sensitive especially when the jokes are on them. They hold grudges and become very vindictive when the same sarcastic remarks are used on them.One should choose our words wisely and Never laugh at the expense of another person.
  • Thanks for your contribution! Todd
  • I love sarcasm. It comes from intelligence and witt. I couldn't be with a man that was so weak he couldn't handle a joke now and then.
  • Hi Dianas-You're not the only one that loves sarcasm, based on the amount I hear. If it works for you and your man, then enjoy. Todd
  • Thank you for this article. I am married to a man who is non-stop with the jokes and in general I'm more alienated by it than amused. I've noticed that in my husband's case not only is he expressing contempt, but it's also an approval seeking behavior. He got this from his mother, who thought it was cute to take him to outings and encourage him to amuse her friends with comical antics. It's bittersweet, but because of his behavior I have become aware of how easily invalidated I am which I now see points to a lack of internalized sense self worth. Even though I really want to, at the risk of trying to fix him, I am not going to forward this article to him...for now.
  • HappyOne
    Wow. This could be me posting the exact same thing. My husband is the most loving, generous person I've ever met, but the cutting sarcastic remarks make me feel like sh*t so easily now. It's like my defenses are gone...I feel for you...
  • Hi Eris- Thanks for sharing your story. I can only image how many other people feel like you. I hope you find a way to communicate your concerns with him. He should know how you feel. I wouldn't have known some of my bad habits that bug my wife had she not told me. I wish you the best! Todd
  • happyone
    Thank you so much for this post. Hurtful sarcasm is a horrible thing to be on the receiving end of and your article pinpoints exactly why. It's also very passive-aggresive and, most of the time, more hurtful than the outright truth. I'm sending this to a few of my smart-ass friends for their education. Thanks.
  • Hi Happy One- Your comment made me laugh! Thanks!
  • Tybles
    Great essay, Todd! America needs this today more than ever. Whatever happened to polite, congenial exchanges with one another? I wonder if people have forgotten how to do that in the same way that letter-writing seems to be a lost art.
  • Hi Tybles-One of the reasons I made the decision to spend my time starting this blog is because I feel as a society we have forgotten what's really important. Thanks!
  • Ttt
    [sarcasm]This is the best article I've ever read! Very enlightening![/saracsm]
  • Hi TTT, Thanks for your kind comment. Todd
  • Hi Todd,

    I agree with you that many times sarcasm just tears down. It's become such a part of our culture that we don't even realize we're using it.

    You may enjoy this webcomic that gives a succinct summary of sarcasm:

    http://www.fallingfifth.com/co...
  • Hi M Rogers,

    Thanks for your comment on my Sarcasm post. I have waited to respond hoping to watch your webcomic first, but since I am on vacation I have not had a chance to watch it. I will watch it next week. Thanks! Todd
  • One sided?
    I find you are making overarching generalizations about the intent behind an individual's sarcasm. You can't be sure that it is malicious, if something is said in jest that may be its only intent. This article sounds to me like an assumption which cannot actually be backed because you claim something which no one could create an argument against ("Well, maybe you don't REALIZE you're intentions are actually hurtful, but they totally are.")

    Sarcasm is a great part of my friendship with a lot people - it keeps us on our toes and reminds us not to take ourselves so seriously.
  • Hi One Sided,

    I value your feedback. If sarcasm is all being done in fun and people's feeling aren't being hurt, then I think it can spice things up. I too occasionally use sarcasm as you described. If you read my post you will see that I am writing about the type of sarcasm that hurts.

    Todd
  • Perplexed
    I don't entirely agree with this post. While there are instances in which sarcasm can be very damaging to the self-esteem of others, when used with friends who can actually take a joke, and know that you are being facetious, it can serve as an extremely comical conversation tool. I see no reason for it to be entirely removed from all scopes of life; it just needs a little moderation, that's all. Not everything in life has to be so serious and straight-forward.
  • Hi Perplexed,

    Thanks for sharing your comment. Yes, if sarcasm is said in a way that is not hurtful, it can be fun. I have also learned that a lot of people will laugh at something, but deep down inside be hurt by it. Like you said, it is a fine line. I believe it all boils down to the intent behind the sarcasm.

    Todd
  • Catlover7777
    thank you so much for this! I try never to be sarcastic or say things that will hurt people. I'm sure I'm guilty of it though, so I will strive to be even more careful!
  • Hi Catlover- Thanks for your comment on Sarcasm.
  • Ajay
    I completely agree and have this bad habit and keep hurting people with this very old trait. I am game for the challenge!
  • Hi Ajay- Thanks for accepting my challenge! Todd
  • Thunder
    To take the otherside, sarcasm has a role and can be used to make a point and create some humor when people are taking themeselves too seriously. I agree that when it is done to demean and hurt it is not appropriate. Most of the time I believe we take ourselves too seriously and need to lighten up.
  • Hi Thunder- Thanks for sharing your unique perspective. I value everyone's contribution and insight. Todd
  • Excellent taking a stand on this pandemic virus as you well pointed out fueled by TV miseducating the TV watching mass.
  • Thanks Ernesto!
  • Sharaquib
    Hey I am very happy about little things matter. Thanks for all you do. But sometimes I think I knew the things that you told and better than how you did it. But it does not mean I should read or listen it. today I was going through this and found which I already knew- see the below.
    Do You Say Things You Later Regret? Text of the Hadith:... قلیل الكلام، صدوق اللسان ...TranslationThe Prophet (blessings of Allah be upon him and his family) has said, �(The true believer) speaks less and is truthful in his speech ��1�Commentary of Hadith:The forty-sixth characteristic of the true believer is that of �"قلیل الکلام"or that the true believer speaks less. In relation to the true believer speaking less, we have numerous ahadith which show the importance of this trait since it is through the tongue that numerous sins are committed and through which everyone is made know of these acts (of transgression). This instrument of sinning is available everywhere, at all times and is very easy to make use of. However as for other sins, there are (other) ways through which they are done and they have a specific time and place in which they can be performed, however the sins of the tongue are the most dangerous of sins.In addition, the tongue is that instrument through which (at least) thirty of the major sins can be committed and thus, we are able to commit many sins through this medium. However for sins such as drinking alcohol or gambling, there is o�nly o�ne instrument of the body at use when performing that sin and therefore in order to counter the dangers of the tongue, we have been commanded to speak very less -rather-we must observe silence. The Damaging Effects of Sarcasm Sarcasm is to imitate people’s words, deeds, or gestures so as to degrade or mock at them. Because such deeds of sarcasm create enmity, malice, and spoiling of the social relations, Islam has forbidden them. It is quite strange for one to mimic, degrade, or find fault with a believer sarcastically since every individual, except the Sinless, ( 1 ) must have some defects. Besides, every man may become the target of sarcasm and mimicry.“Believers, let not a group of you mock another. Perhaps they are better than you. Let not women mock each other; perhaps one is better than the other. Let not one of you find faults in another nor let anyone of you defame another. How terrible is the de famation after having true faith. Those who do not repent are certainly unjust (49:11).”“The sinners had been laughing at the believers. When passing by them, they would wink at one another and, on returning to their people, boast about what they had done. On seeing the believers, they would say, "These people have gone astray" (83:29-32).”The Prophet (s) said: “Do not inspect the flaws of the believers. Allah will surely inspect the flaws of him ( 160 ) who inspects the believers’ flaws. Allah will surely uncover the flaws of him whom He inspects, even if he hides himself in the middle of his house.” ( 2 )Imam as-Sadiq (a) said: “For him who mimics a believer for the purpose of disgracing him, abusing his personality, and making people disrespect him, Allah will dismiss him from His custody to the Shaitan’s, who, too, will not accept him.” ( 3 )It is related that, “Allah hides His disciples among His servants; hence, you should not disregard any of the servants of Allah, for it happens that he is one of the disciples of Allah while you do not know his reality.”

    What my intention here is to say that one can always go back and check if he or she has already got something with him or her. I take help of your talks from a bussiness point of view as I myself is a student of management. Please comment/advice. Thanks again.
  • Hi Sharaquib,

    Thanks for your contribution to this post. I enjoyed reading it. I think it is safe to say that all religions look down on sarcasm. It is so damaging.

    Thanks,

    Todd
  • GeordieJohn
    Good morning Todd,

    I think the Brits have a rough reputation for being sarcastic, and i think it was far more prevalent when i lived over there than i am aware of it over here - it's almost just a way of life in England to be sarcastic in any situation, and like you say, it's a hard habit to break.

    You mention thinking before you speak, that simple pause in between the initial action and your response makes the world of difference. It gives you the power to choose your response, rather than just reacting to the stimuli.

    Thanks again for your insight and advice in these posts,
    John


  • Hi John- It is a hard habit to break. When I was younger I was sarcastic, but with my wife's help I was able to break the habit. Like you said, the key is to pause and think before responding. Thanks! Todd
  • Kevin
    This is so very true today. I have 2 young children that mimic the sarcasm they hear everyday from the adults they are around, including dad! I will take your challenge.
  • Hi Kevin- Thanks for accepting my challenge!
  • Ryan
    Great post Todd - very hard for me to read, because I am a daily repeat offender. It has a negative effect on my relationship with my kids, wife, and co-workers. Thanks for helping me see this much more clearly and giving me the encouragement to completely eliminate this habit and to start saying what I really mean.
  • Hi Ryan- I admire the fact that you openly acknowledged this weakness within you. I am confident you will break the habit. Thanks for your comment. Todd
  • Clap, clap, clap.
    Here is to your self-honesty and guts.
  • Hi Todd,
    the trouble with sarcasm is that we don't realise that we are hurting ourselves foremost. We think we are cool, we even might think to be entertaining, but it can hurt others and ourselves. I like your challenge, and I'm going to become more and more aware of what I'm saying to myself and others. Thanks again for an amazing article !
    Take care
    Oliver
  • Hi Oliver- Thanks for accepting the challenge. I appreciate your continued support of my blog. Todd
  • Gwbigname
    I was hoping for a few examples of sarcasm in this enlightening post.
    I will observe with interest the next few days
  • Hi Gwbigname- You are probably in a good environment surrounded by people who are not sarcastic. When you hear it, you will see how damaging it can be. Todd
  • donnabrewer
    Good morning Todd, this lesson speaks so loudly to me, as I am a sarcasm queen in my own right. I tend to make sacrastic remarks about situations, not persons. I've heard in a lecture that those comments not aimed at people were acceptable, but I really know me and when I'm pushed in corner(which is very seldom) my mouth can come out into the ring in a very shredding manner. I do my best to avoid confrontation, because that is a waste of energy and solves nothing. I, however in the past when younger used my mouth to make a cutting point when poked by another. I would like to say that being mentally aware of this habit and wanting to eliminate altogether is a much more pleasant and better way to go. Since being a believer in the"Laws of Attraction" I am learning to only want to put out those vibrations of love and peace. Thank you for a great eye opening lesson, Donna Brewer
  • Hi Donna- Like you pointed out, the key is being mentally aware of the habit, because only then can you break it. Thanks for your candor. Todd
  • Barry
    This is a great post Todd. I have found sarcasm to be the most damaging thing in breaking down relationships. You are so right that it is many times used by those who lack the courage to say what they really mean and care enough to talk through their problems rather than just attach the other person. Thanks for sharing this idea in such a sharp and crisp manner.
  • Hi Barry- Thanks for taking your time comment! Todd
  • David Cook
    Time to be real, to live with integrity, to answer the call to honest living. This is certainly true in many other areas of our lives, why not in our day to day conversations? I AM a person of transparency. I say, as best I can, exactly how I feel and believe to all. Nothing is ever meant to hurt, only to share in honesty and with integrity. In this place there can be intimacy - understood as in-to-me-see as well. There can be trust and respect. There can be wholeness and healing, lived out of myself and offered to another as well. A non-scarcastic life is certainl a life I work to live every day. I encourage others to adopt this life as well. Live honestly, Share openly. Heal yourself completely. It is possible as we live each day of our lives on this Good Earth. Blessings . . . Dave
  • Hi David- Thanks for your comment. I appreciate your ongoing support. Todd
  • sthetiks
    Sarcasm - (remarks that mean the opposite of what they seem to say and are intended to mock or deride) - is one of the ugliest traits. It has extreme negative effects on both the subject and the object. In the subject it can leave marks of guilt and emptiness and on the object it can arouses anger and hatred. Very well highlighted, every attempt should be made to avoid using it and to learn how to tackle. If left unattended it can slowly poison the subconscious.... Nice post Todd. Thanks & Regards - Amer :)

  • Hi Amer- Thanks for your contribution to my post. Todd
  • sthetiks
    Thank you Todd for your posts that I really like much, quite a good refresher and I invite people to your FB page as well. And sometimes have quite a good exchange of views on your articles that post on my FB wall. Keep the good work. Always Best :) - Amer

    P.S:
    Also, would like to invite you to our forum on FB: Peace in Palestine and Israel
    A serious forum for all people to join in discussions concerning the Palestinian - Israelian conflict.
    This is not a place for extremists but only for people who would seriously talk about possible solutions.
    Hopefully a lot of people from Israel and Palestine will join and as well people from around the world.

    What is the best way to bring back peace, humanity and respect in this conflict area.
    http://www.facebook.com/?ref=l...


    Persons of your stature, interests and values from all countries of the world can help find some peaceful solution in that conflict.

    Looking forward...
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