Monthly Archives: August 2010

Constructive Versus Destructive Complaining

Psychologists say that people generally complain for one of two reasons: as a way of enlisting people to agree with their point of view or as a means of making conversation since negative observations often yield a bigger response than positive comments. (Sadly, that is true.)

Today, I’m going on record as saying that neither of these reasons is valid enough to outweigh the fact that no one likes being around people who are chronic complainers.

Whining Damages Reputations

Whining is a childish trait and can be a very difficult habit to break once it has become a part of a person’s communication style. Nevertheless, breaking the habit of complaining is essential if we wish to be viewed as people whose words carry weight and whose opinions matter.

Some forms of complaints are obvious, but other forms are often disguised as commentary or critique. They may appear more subtle but are just as damaging to your reputation.

Complaint Etiquette

When you do have a legitimate complaint to communicate, you can do so in a productive manner by following these guidelines.

1. Have a purpose. Having an objective for complaining means that you wish to accomplish something that is both reasonable and specific.

Complaints without purpose include things like:

• The way your favorite NFL team played on Sunday
• The weather
• The traffic on the interstate

These things may bother you to a degree, but you can’t do anything about any of them, so why spend your time (and someone else’s) complaining about them?

2.   Offer a proposed solution. Whenever you complain, be prepared to offer a reasonable solution.

3.   Be understanding. People are not perfect and most employees are doing the best they can. It’s also important to recognize that what may be logical to you may not be logical to someone else.

Make a point to accept and value the differences in people.  Recognize that we all come from different backgrounds and have different life experiences.  Specifically, have a little more patience; be a little more forgiving of others.

If you find yourself being overly critical of others or the world at large (which leads to the habit of complaining), let me encourage you to start being more aware of this and work on improving your attitude in this area.

4.   Treat others with respect and kindness. If you must complain in such circumstances as being served cold food in a restaurant, discovering a billing error, or challenging a warranty discrepancy, describe your situation in a way that shows respect to the individual listening to your complaint.

Oftentimes, it’s not their fault. And even if it is, there is no reason to speak to them like they are stupid or incompetent. Doing that will only make matters worse and reflect poorly on you.

How to Break the Destructive Habit

The good news is that breaking the habit of complaining is something we can all do on our own. Here are a few tips to get you started:

• For the next 24 hours, make an effort to catch yourself each time you complain—at home, at work, and out in the community. Being aware of your tone and how much you verbalize your dissatisfaction with other people or things is the first step toward ridding yourself of this bad habit.

• Listen to the people around you, especially out in public. Notice how they speak to servers, customer service representatives, and other workers. What does this tell you about them? What does the way you speak to people in public say about you?

• The next time you find it necessary to lodge a legitimate complaint, make sure it meets the criteria discussed above—purposeful, solution-oriented, understanding, kind, and whine-free.

Complaining is harmful to your reputation. If you must complain, make sure your words are constructive and that you handle yourself in a way that reflects positively on your character.

Become the Captain of Your Financial Ship

How would you like to be in command of your finances—never be in debt again, live free of financial pressure, and retire comfortably when that day arrives?  This is possible for each of you, but it will require intentional effort.

If you sincerely want to be captain of your financial ship, today’s lesson will emphasize three crucial things you must do: put together a budget, track your expenses, and commit to spending less than you earn.

When we do not track our expenses, we actually forfeit control of our financial ship. The reason is simple: when we don’t have a clear picture of where our money is going, it’s like being on a ship with a leak that prevents us from navigating toward our financial goals. Benjamin Franklin said it better:

“Beware of little expenses; a small leak will sink a great ship.”

Get in Touch With Your Inner Accountant

No doubt, this is not the first time you’ve heard about the importance of budgeting to help keep track of expenses, but perhaps you’ve procrastinated.  If you will just take time now to set up a budget, you will quickly discover that the benefits are worth the effort you put forth each month.  With a budget, you will now be able to:

• Control how your money is spent, saved, and invested
• Understand where your money is going; eliminate surprises
• Know what you can and cannot afford
• Practice important self-control and personal accountability
• Compare your spending to a previous period of time to measure progress
• Stay out of debt

If you wish to get out or stay out of debt, you must learn to live within your means. A budget that includes tracking your expenses is one of the first and easiest steps towards not spending more money than you make each month.

Avoid Being Just Another Statistic

It’s critical to understand that operating a budget is at the core of your financial progress. It will certainly help keep you from being a part of these statistics:

• 57% of households do not have a budget.
• 61% of Americans are living paycheck to paycheck.
• Disturbed marriage or divorce.  Money is consistently ranked as one of the top three reasons for arguments among married couples.

What’s Holding You Back?

One of the concerns that many people have about budgeting is that a budget holds us accountable. But if we spend more than we said we would on a particular category (like food or entertainment), it doesn’t mean we have failed, it simply alerts us to the fact that we need to adjust our budget.

Most people don’t like to talk about budgeting for several reasons:

• They don’t know how to do it. (It’s too difficult.)
• They’re too busy. (I don’t have time to spend on a budget.)
• They don’t want to give up control over discretionary spending decisions. (I want to spend my money on what I want to when I want to.)

Since your budget is YOUR budget, you are still the one who makes the call on how your money gets spent. Keeping track of your income and expenses in the form of a budget doesn’t change how much money you have or don’t have. A budget simply lets you control your money instead of your money controlling you.

Getting Started

There are a number of resources on the web, at the library, and available for free that make it easy to start and maintain a budget. Simply google “how to make a budget” for step-by-step directions, free templates, budget calculators, and tips for sticking to a budget.

Putting together a budget is not complicated or difficult.  Here are the key components of any household budget:

• Monthly income (include all sources: paychecks, disability payments, etc.)
• Mandatory or fixed expenses (mortgage or rent, car payments, insurance, child care, etc.)
• Future needs (money for savings, an emergency fund, and/or retirement investments)
• Charitable giving (church and other non-profit donations)
• Discretionary or controllable expenses (such as entertainment, dining out, vacations, groceries, utilities, hobbies, etc.)

How much money you allocate to each category will be largely based on your income. A plan that many people use is the 10/10/80 guide: 10% of your income goes toward savings and planning for the future, 10% goes toward charitable giving, and the remaining 80% goes toward your mandatory and discretionary expenses.

If you find there is not enough money to distribute in that pattern, decide what you must and are willing to change. For example, can you reduce your mandatory or fixed monthly expenses by downsizing or refinancing? Are there discretionary expenses that you can do without to stay within your budget? These are all very personal decisions that only you can make.

When it comes to budgeting and managing personal finances, there’s room for improvement in all of us. If you don’t have one already, I strongly encourage you to set up a budget and start tracking your expenses this month. Use your budget to get smart about your hard-earned money and take control of your financial ship.

The day you set up a budget and start tracking your expenses is the day you take control of your financial future.

If you have any thoughts, ideas, or suggestions, please share them in the comments section below this post.

Want Respect? Practice Humility

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.—everybody wants it, but not everybody gets it.

Have you ever heard an athlete complain, “I don’t get the respect I deserve”?  This person is unaware that respect is not a gift; it is something you must earn. We might admire him for his skill or envy his million-dollar salary, but we respect the athlete for the attitude he or she exhibits on the field or court, during an interview, or in daily life.

What is that attitude that quickly wins respect? Humility—a modest view of one’s own importance!  An attitude of humility is one of the most significant predictors of someone who is respected.

Arrogance Is the Opposite of Humility

In order to adopt the habits and behavior patterns of humility, it’s important to recognize its evil nemesis—arrogance.  Very few things damage one’s reputation quicker than arrogance. Here are some common phrases people use that reveal a prideful, arrogant attitude:

• Geez, do I have to do everything around here?
• If I don’t toot my own horn, no one else will.
• Let me handle it. No one can do it better than me.

In themselves, these words may not seem so bad, but remember that arrogance is an attitude—a negative one. Individuals who say these kinds of things act in a way that sends a signal to those around them that they believe they are superior to everyone else.

For example, arrogant people often push others aside because they believe they are the only ones qualified to get things done the right way; they speak in ways that put down or disparage others; they take every opportunity to boast about their own accomplishments; and they project an obvious air of trying hard to appear cool.

Self-Confidence or Humility

You don’t have to sacrifice self-confidence to practice humility. When we start to talk about humility, one of the primary objections of driven people is the fear of not appearing confident enough. I will assure you that adopting an attitude of humility does not require you to sacrifice your self-confidence or the confidence you project.

To clarify this, let’s look at the definitions of both confidence and humility.

• Confidence is a self-assurance arising from an appreciation of one’s true abilities.

• Humility is having a modest opinion or estimate of one’s own importance or rank.  It’s about being open to the possibility of improvement.

There’s no reason why these two character traits can’t coexist. In fact, when they do, it’s hard to find a more powerful combination. In Good to Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap… and Others Don’t, author Jim Collins gives the example of David Packard, co-founder of Hewlett-Packard, as a humble leader who offers this sage advice:

“You shouldn’t gloat about anything you’ve done; you ought to keep going and find something better to do.”

As co-founder of one of the most successful companies in the U.S., you can bet that Packard is a confident individual, but that doesn’t preclude him from practicing humility.

Admittedly, finding the right balance between confidence and humility can be tough—especially for entrepreneurs and people in sales whose livelihood depends on marketing themselves and relying on their accomplishments to obtain future business. In these instances, deciding what information to present and how to present it is paramount. The key is to do so without coming across as egotistical.

Tips for Communicating Both Confidence and Humility

• Let your prior record, actions, and associates speak for you.  Avoid what would sound like boasting about yourself or your accomplishments.

• Limit the times that you speak freely about yourself and your achievements to those occasions when you are communicating the value you bring to a personal or business relationship.

• Consider how you can communicate your message in a way that does not sound like bragging.

Practicing Humility Is a Lifelong Endeavor

By its very nature, humility is not an attitude we ever perfect. It’s a practiced trait that requires constant monitoring, especially since arrogance—egotism, superiority, conceit— is always tugging at our human nature.

Nobel Prize winner Rabindranath Tagore describes both the benefits and practice of humility well: “We come nearest to great when we are great in humility.”

If you desire to adopt or grow in your practice of humility, avoid speaking about yourself in a proud or conceited manner.  Share your accomplishments in a modest, positive way when requested or necessary.

When it is necessary, such as when you need to sell yourself or your services, remember to communicate your message in a way that remains focused on your client or customer and what you can do for them, not just on what you can do.

When you practice humility, you gain the respect of others. Respect brings with it a number of rewards such as more satisfying relationships, broader influence, and a number of employment-related benefits like raises, promotions, and increased sales.

Taking Calculated Risks

Today, I want to help you make better risk decisions in your personal and professional life. I’ll share a framework for decision-making that can be used whenever you are faced with an opportunity or decision in which the true outcome, state, result, or value is unknown.

I’m referring to risks where there is a lack of complete certainty and where several possible outcomes could exist—at least one of which is undesirable. For example:

• Leaving a secure position with an established company to accept a more lucrative job with a new start-up. Possible outcome: What if the business fails?

• Entering into a partnership with a new business associate. Possible outcome: What if the person turns out to have different values than you that cannot be reconciled?

• Investing a large sum of money in a new investment opportunity. Possible outcome: What if it goes bad and you lose it all?

Understanding the Role of Risk in Life

Most of society is divided largely into three groups of people:

1.  Those who are afraid to take risks, live a very conservative life, and retire not much better off than when they began.

2.  Those who take bad risks and suffer the consequences.

Sadly, the evidence of bad risks and the decisions that follow are all too common. I have had friends who were millionaires and lost it all as a result of taking unnecessary risks. I also had a friend lose his life in a deep-water scuba diving accident. In his quest for the thrill, he risked a great deal and left behind a widow and two teenage daughters.

3.  Those who plan well, take calculated risks, and win.

If you desire to live a successful and fulfilling life and retire with enough money to enjoy your retirement years, you must take calculated risks. This includes risks in your relationships, risks in your career, and risks in your investments.

While taking smart, calculated risks is vital to reaching your goals in life, remember that taking bad risks and losing can set you back, sometimes significantly. It may help, however, to remember that taking smart risks is as simple as making wise decisions.

A Framework for Good Decision-making

I’ve learned a lot in my life from observing others and through my personal experiences—both good and bad. Therefore, when I consider taking a risk in any area of my life, here are the questions I ask myself:

1.  What are the risks? Be honest. Don’t let your emotions prevent you from carefully considering all possible risks. This is where the landmines exist.

2. What are the odds of one of the risks coming true? Be truthful. Use real data whenever you can by doing research and talking to others.

3.  What are the rewards? Be realistic. Can you really quit your day job and devote ten hours a week to something and make $100,000 a year? (Probably not.)

4.  What are the odds of those rewards? Be sensible. Find out how many others have done something similar and how they have fared.

5.  What other options do I have? Be creative. Don’t limit yourself. Consider all possibilities.

6.  Do I need to make this decision today? Probably not. Take the time you need to do your research and explore your options.

After you finish answering these six questions, remove the emotions from your decision and see what your gut is telling you. Also, never forget about the wild card risk; you don’t know what you don’t know!

Risk-taking Tips

• Start small. You don’t need to hit a grand slam your first time at bat. Aim for singles and only advance to the next base when you feel like the odds are in your favor. You can live an amazing life, travel the world, and retire financially secure if you just keep hitting singles.

• Don’t get greedy. This is a potential major problem in any area, but especially in the financial realm.  Some people never start building their net worth because all they ever engage in are risky ventures that don’t work.  Others save money for years, get tired of working, roll the dice with their savings, and hope to strike it big only to lose it all.

• Be careful with partnerships. One of the ways I reduce risks in my life is by not giving up control. I seldom see a partnership work unless it begins with a well-established and familiar relationship.

The next time you find yourself making a decision that involves risk, I urge you to review this lesson. Print it out or save the podcast where you’ll remember it.

If you take your time and make good decisions using the advice in this lesson combined with your own life experiences, your odds of making good decisions the next time you are faced with risk will be dramatically improved.

Building Trust Through Confidentiality

Pssst. Can you keep a secret? How do you react when you hear these words uttered in a hushed tone? Do you feel important that you are about to be trusted with confidential information, or do you wonder if it’s gossip that you don’t want to hear?

In addition to ensuring that you don’t participate in matters that don’t concern you, it’s even more important to keep any confidence that you have been entrusted with by someone else. You can’t expect to advance personally or professionally if you betray the trust someone has placed in you.

Today’s lesson may prick your conscience; however, my hope is that you will see the immense value in learning the importance of keeping things confidential that should be private and secret.

The Link Between Trust and Confidentiality

When you earn the reputation of someone who can be relied on, you command the respect and trust of people around you and build deeper friendships. In business, trustworthy people are more likely to sell more products, build a larger customer base, receive more raises, and enjoy earlier promotions.

One of the most common telltale signs of someone who cannot be trusted with confidential information is the person who says, “So-and-so told me this in confidence, but I know you won’t say anything.”

While you may feel special that this person trusts you, what about the person whose information they promised not to divulge? Personally, I would think twice about sharing my own sensitive information with this person. In short, I would not trust someone who was telling me other people’s secrets.

Respecting and Keeping Confidence

Are you someone who can be trusted with private and confidential information?  To gauge your trustworthiness in this area, ask yourself how likely you would be to share any of the following:

1.  You are on a business trip and having some drinks after hours. A colleague overindulges and ends up passing out in the lobby after a series of pretty funny antics. Do you share this story back at the office?

2.  A partner decides to go his own way and leaves you hanging. You’ve been through a lot together and have plenty of information that could negatively influence his reputation. Do you leak this information?

3.  You and your spouse had a real blowout. Do you vent to your friends?

These situations are examples of implied confidentiality. In each case, no one is explicitly asked not to say anything, but clearly, the right thing to do is to keep these things in confidence. There’s quite a bit at stake for the person at the center of each situation. Careers, reputations, and relationships could be irreparably damaged.

Here are a few tips when it comes to keeping confidence:

• Never share information that you have been asked to keep confidential.

• Use your judgment when it comes to matters of implied confidentiality.

• Keep things confidential that were intended to be confidential even if a relationship breaks down.

• Do not vent your private marital or relationship issues with your friends. This will cause them to view your spouse or significant other differently, probably negatively.

• When someone says “I was asked to keep this in confidence, but I can share it with you,” let them know that you’d rather not be involved.

The next time you consider sharing information, be sure to ask yourself if there is a chance that the person who shared the information with you would like it kept confidential. If that is the case, don’t share it.

As in most matters, there are exceptions to keeping confidence, such as when someone’s health or well-being is at risk. Don’t take the oath of secrecy so far that you let someone continue to endanger themselves or someone else.

Are you willing to make a commitment to never share anything that should be kept confidential? It’s not an easy commitment, but remember that your decision to share or not to share will affect how others view you.

When you keep things confidential that should be confidential, you will gain a reputation as a person who can be trusted, and you will grow strong in character and value.

You Can’t Improve What You Don’t Measure

The old adage “measure twice and cut once” is practical advice for everyone, especially carpet layers, tailors, and carpenters.

My lesson today is on measurements; however, it’s about a different kind of measurement. It’s about the importance of measuring your performance.

Dr. H. James Harrington has been involved in quality and performance improvement projects since the 1950s. He summarizes well what this lesson is all about.  “Measurement is the first step that leads to control and eventually to improvement. If you can’t measure something, you can’t understand it. If you can’t understand it, you can’t control it. If you can’t control it, you can’t improve it.”

Who Measures?

It’s not a stretch to say that any team, organization, or person who wishes to perform better or accomplish more has meaningful points of measurement.

To clarify my point, consider if:

• Baseball players never knew their batting average
• Advertisers did not measure the number of people who responded to an ad
• Golfers did not keep track of their scores
• Online shopping sites did not track the conversion rate of website visitors to customers
• Students never knew the results of their tests
• Customer service centers did not measure how long customers were on hold
• Companies did not measure their sales

If they didn’t measure their performance, how would they know if they improved?

Why Measure?

Quite simply, what gets measured gets done. Think about it. The very nature of knowing that something is being monitored causes us to work harder and perform better. There’s actually proof of this; it’s called the Hawthorne Effect.

Coined in 1955 by Henry Landsberger, the Hawthorne Effect describes a form of reactivity on the part of people whereby they improve an aspect of behavior being measured simply in response to the fact that the measurement is taking place! Amazing, isn’t it?!

When you measure your own performance, positive things happen:

• You are able to set goals and evaluate your progress.
• You always know exactly where you stand.
• You can identify key aspects you want to refine.
• You are able to see the results of your refinements.
• You can quickly and accurately troubleshoot your problems.

I can tell you firsthand how absolutely critical it was to my success that I measured my results. Throughout my sales career, I measured things such as the number of calls I made, the number of calls that were answered, the number of appointments I set, the number of appointments that resulted in new clients, as well as the size of each sale. I measured everything I did in the entire sales process.

Doing so not only showed me how I was doing, it brought attention to the key elements of my performance and motivated me to strive harder to improve in each area.

Measuring and Improving

In order to develop or improve any area of your life, you need to do three things:

1.  You need to know your starting point. This is often referred to as your benchmark or baseline—the point from which all progress is measured.  If you wanted to lose weight, this would include your current weight and all your key body measurements.

2.  You need a goal. In the words of noted psychologist Arnold Glasgow, “In life, as in football, you won’t go far unless you know where the goalposts are.” Without a clear idea of where you are headed and what you wish to accomplish, how will you know if you ever get there?

3.  You need to determine how you are going to measure your progress. If you wanted to reduce your spending and save money, it would be wise to carry a small notepad and write down everything thing you buy and the price you paid.

Develop an Action Plan

Whether in business, sports, school, or any area of life, you can’t improve what you don’t measure. When you track and measure your results each month, you will have new benchmarks that you can strive to improve upon the next month. If you focus on improving your results month after month, you will begin to see amazing changes take place in your performance and results.

Ready to get started?

1.  Identify the parts of your life that you want to improve.  Don’t blow off this simple assignment. This is a critical component of your success. Make a list of the things you want to improve.

2.  Document your starting point. If you want to increase your net worth, then subtract your liabilities from your assets and determine your starting point.

3.  Set your goals.  If you want to double your sales over the next 12 months, right down your target.

4.  Determine the key factors that will influence your success.  What are the activities that, if done correctly, will help you achieve your goals?  These are the things you will measure.

5.  Create a means of measuring your actions and your results. What will you use to document these results?

Remember: You can’t improve what you don’t measure.

As you measure your actions and results, continue to look for ways to make refinements.  This is all part of the process of striving for excellence to be the best at what you do!

When you begin to measure what you do and how well you do it, you will begin to see the refinements you can make.  As you strive to make small improvements day after day and week after week, nothing can stop you from achieving your goals.

What’s Your Borrowing Credit Score?

You probably can’t remember the last time a neighbor asked to borrow a cup of sugar. Those days seem long gone. But I’ll bet you remember the last time you loaned something to a friend, family member or co-worker and had to follow up to get it back. Worse yet, you got it back but in poor condition.

Or do you often find yourself on the other end of the transaction?

For example:

• Do you have items that belong to someone else that you’ve been meaning to return but haven’t gotten around to yet?

• Have you lost, accidentally damaged, or broken something borrowed and are ashamed to face the owner so you’re just hoping he never brings it up?

Building Your Borrowing Credit Score

What you may not realize is that, in many respects, the act of borrowing an item that belongs to someone else—whether it’s a book, a tool, or a vehicle—is a lot like building your credit record.

When you borrow an item and return it promptly and in good or better condition, that’s a plus for you. On the other hand, when you fail to return something or return it late, you create a negative impression in the eyes of others, and your borrowing trustworthiness score goes down. In fact, if the offense is significant, such as returning a vehicle dirty or a boat on empty, you risk permanently damaging your relationship with that person.

Becoming a Good Borrower

Good borrowing etiquette is really quite straightforward: it requires you to return the item you borrowed in a timely (agreed upon) manner and in the same or better condition.

Although it’s really rather simple, most of us are guilty of violating these rules much more often than we should. While we can say “It’s because I’m too busy,” the real reason people ignore borrowing etiquette is because they don’t believe it’s important.

I’m taking time today to remind you that being a good borrower is important. When you make the effort to return borrowed items on time and in good condition, you are communicating respect for others and their property.  Because this is an area in which most people fall short, it helps you stand out as being responsible. What’s more, when you have a reputation as a good borrower, people are more willing to help you in the future.

Borrowing Tips

If you find it necessary to ask someone to borrow anything, here are five things you can do to build your borrowing trustworthiness and preserve your reputation:

1. When you borrow something such as a stapler from a co-worker’s desk, dental floss from another family member’s bathroom, or a weed trimmer from your neighbor, return what you borrowed as soon as you are done using it.

2. When you borrow something such as a book or movie from a friend, make a note on your calendar or your to-do list to return it.

3. If you borrow someone’s car, truck, boat, lawn mower, or snowmobile, always return it with more gas than when you borrowed it.

4. If you have borrowed a vehicle for more than a day, I suggest filling it up with gas and washing it before returning it.

5. When you return the item, if appropriate, consider including a handwritten note of thanks.

Where there’s a borrower, there’s a lender. When you’re the one doing the lending, remember that it’s a good idea to keep track of anything you lend out and don’t lend out items you really care about or couldn’t bear to lose.

Good borrowing habits most definitely matter. I encourage you to make a commitment today to never again return an item late or in worse condition than when you received it.

To help you maintain good relationships and preserve your reputation, ensure that your borrowing habits reflect positively on your character.

The Ticking Time Bomb

Have you ever thought or said something like this: “If he does that one more time, I am going to lose it!”; or “If she keeps treating me that way, I am going to give her a piece of my mind!”; or “If this happens again, I won’t be able to restrain myself!”?

These are examples of what I call the ticking time bomb.  When I hear people say these types of things, I cringe and want to say “WARNING.” When you know in advance that you are going to retaliate if someone does or says something again, you are in danger of exploding and damaging your reputation.

Consider this true story.

Brenda was a senior sales associate in the customer service department at a busy retail store. She was having difficulty with a complicated return, so she called Doug, the manager on duty, and asked for assistance.

Doug was a young, new manager who had been getting pulled in every direction all day. He asked with an exasperated tone, “Okay, Brenda, what are you having trouble with?”

Brenda explained the problem and asked Doug to help her.

Doug curtly replied, “That’s your job, Brenda. You figure it out. You have to learn to deal with this kind of situation yourself.”

Brenda, who was already frustrated, exploded loudly in front of all the customers and her associates. “I know how to do my job, Doug! I’ve been here a lot longer than you, so don’t insult me!”

After Doug left, Brenda turned to her customer and said, “I hate it when he does that. He does it all the time. He thinks he knows everything but he doesn’t.”

The customer with the return item felt awkward, believing it was her fault for causing the scene; the other associates tried to act like they hadn’t heard the conversation; and Brenda now had a lot of explaining to do when her shift ended.

You guessed it; Brenda was a ticking time bomb. She had clearly been harboring some ill feelings toward the new manager from other encounters. When under pressure, she was unable to hold it in any longer and lost control of her emotions.

Damage Assessment

This story is just one example of the many damaging repercussions of “losing it.” It could happen anywhere—at home, in the workplace, or even on the tennis court.  My guess is we’ve all been there at one time or another.

Whether it’s a rare occurrence for you or something you struggle with regularly, today’s lesson is about helping you make different decisions when you know you are about to lose it. When you feel this way, you benefit best by “putting a lid on it.”  Don’t do or say something you will regret later.

Even though Brenda may have felt justified in her anger, her outburst reflected poorly on her ability to remain calm under pressure. She inflicted hurt and embarrassment on her supervisor, and she failed to project the level of professionalism that her employer requires and expects. Consider the other potential consequences:

• Brenda must apologize if she wishes to repair the damage she has done.
• She now has a strained working relationship with Doug, at best, and possibly an irreparably damaged one.
• She has lost the respect of her co-workers who now view her differently.
• She may lose her job or chance of promotion.

I’ve exploded at times in my own life. I know that I have damaged my reputation, not only in the eyes of the person who received the brunt of my anger, but also in the eyes of everyone who bore witness. Even worse, I have done it with my wife. Like many of the lessons I share on Little Things Matter, I learned this one the hard way.

Use Your Awareness to Make the Right Decision

The next time you feel the tension rising and you start to think you can’t handle any more of someone or something, take a deep breath and exhale slowly. Pause to consider the damage you might cause to your job, reputation, or relationship if you don’t keep your emotions in check. Use this awareness to make sure you don’t say or do anything you will regret.

Warren Buffet— American investor, industrialist, and philanthropist—shares some of his wisdom in this quote: “It takes 20 years to build a reputation and five minutes to ruin it. If you think about that, you’ll do things differently.”

When you find yourself getting upset, challenge yourself to find a way of handling your frustration in a way that makes you proud. One of the things my wife always says when she knows I am upset with someone is “Speak in love.”  When I consider speaking in love to those who have angered me, it completely changes my attitude because I know it is the right thing to do.

Remember, when you choose to respond rather than react to a difficult situation, you demonstrate to others and yourself that you are in control of your emotions.

10 Ways to Make People Feel Good

I’m excited to share today’s lesson because it captures one of life’s simple yet powerful truths. When you focus on others rather than on yourself, you make a positive difference in two lives—yours and the person with whom you interact.

When you are intentional about doing things that make others feel good, you create a special connection that accelerates new relationships and nurtures existing ones.

The Values of Making People Feel Good

Recently, I talked about habits we have that bug people and the damaging effect that can have on our reputations. However, doing things that make people feel good is quite the opposite. Not only does it brighten someone’s day, but it’s a positive reflection on you and enhances your reputation.

Let’s look at a couple areas in your life and see the results.

• In the workplace, making your co-workers feel good will enhance the work environment, making it more enjoyable; it will also increase your influence with them.

• In your business, making your clients and customers feel good will draw them closer to you; it will also increase your sales.

• In the home, it will bind your family members closer together, turning your house into a happy home.

Because I have seen the results of reciprocal goodwill in action, I am intentional in my own life about doing things that I know make people feel good.

Ten Ways to Improve People’s Lives

When you make people feel good, you enhance their self-image and give them energy, hope, and confidence. Below are ten simple ways you can make people feel good.

1. Encourage. What sunshine and rain do for flowers, encouragement does for humanity. Regardless of one’s position in life, everyone needs to hear words of encouragement.

“Three billion people on the face of the earth go to bed hungry every night, but four billion people go to bed every night hungry for a simple word of encouragement and recognition.” — Robert Cavett

2. Compliment Sincerely. You can compliment someone for a job well done or on an admirable characteristic you have noticed. If you can’t do it in person, don’t hesitate to use another means, like a card, thoughtful email, or text message.

3. Praise Publicly. Boost someone’s confidence by commending their efforts in front of others, either verbally or in writing. You can also do this with people who serve you, such as a store clerk, waitress, or receptionist who has gone the extra mile to assist you.

4. Listen Thoughtfully. Focus on listening, not just hearing. When you are an attentive listener, people sense your care and concern and are comforted that their feelings and experiences are validated.

5. Serve Willingly. The next time you notice that a co-worker is under the gun and needs a hand, volunteer to help. Or offer to assist someone who has a task to do that they don’t want to do.  In doing so, you will help them see themselves as worthy of your efforts and attention.

6. Show Genuine Interest. Ask about something important to them and concentrate on what they have to say. Remembering and commenting on their hobbies, sports, vacations, or family at a later date will prove that you have a sincere interest in their lives.

7. Express Love Unselfishly.  Every person has a primary love language that dictates the ways they prefer to be loved. When we understand and love people the way they need to be loved (not just the way that satisfies our needs), it draws them closer to us and us to them. See a post from my wife Joy about this subject here.

8. Make a Friendly Call. It doesn’t have to be an important or special day; just call to let a friend or family member know you are thinking of them.  Asking how someone is doing is always appreciated.

“The deepest principle of human nature is a craving to be appreciated.” — William James

9. Give a Gift. It doesn’t need to be expensive. It can be a small bouquet of flowers or a card. In this department, it’s most definitely the thought that counts. Hallmark has captured the essence in their advertisement: “You cared enough to send. . .”

10. Smile Often. A sincere smile never goes out of style; it can mean different things to different people. A smile can brighten people’s day in an instant, and they’ll appreciate that you made the effort to acknowledge them.

Starting today, I encourage you to start doing the things like those listed above that make people feel good. If you need some additional inspiration, be sure to read my post 25 Unexpected Ways to Make Someone’s Day. If you have some suggestions of your own, please share them in the comment section below.

Taking the time to make others feel good may be one of the most gratifying things you do; you’ll experience great rewards when you are the one responsible for positive changes in someone’s overall demeanor and attitude.

The End of Discrimination Starts With You

Discrimination in our communities and in our places of work takes many forms, but it always involves some form of exclusion or rejection based upon a negative judgment toward a person’s gender, age, religion, race, weight, nationality, handicap, sexual preference, or height.

Today’s lesson addresses discrimination of all types and is intended to help you see that each of us plays an important role in ending discrimination against those with whom we live and work.

Although it seems as if the reasons we should be concerned about ending discrimination are so obvious they need not be stated, I think it’s important that we keep in mind how damaging discrimination really is. The list of why discrimination is wrong is long, but here are the two most powerful reasons:

• Discrimination is dehumanizing. When you treat someone differently solely based on race, gender, age, etc., you deny the value of who they are as an individual.
• Discrimination hurts. Whether discrimination is subtle or overt, people know when they are being discriminated against, and it’s painful.

What Discrimination Looks Like

Awareness of the problem of racial discrimination is probably the highest it’s ever been, and most would probably agree that we’ve made measurable progress on race issues in this country in the past generation. But we still have a long way to go.

To help frame how prevalent all forms of discrimination are today, let’s consider a few common examples:

• A law firm has an unspoken rule that no female will make partner until a quota of male partners has been reached because they believe that clients have more faith in male attorneys than female attorneys.
• A high-end salon turns away otherwise qualified applicants because they don’t have the right look.
• A high-end restaurant uses a proprietary database to decline reservations for individuals who do not meet certain demographic qualifications.
• A local civic organization denies membership to individuals who do not hold the political views that are predominant in the current group.

In each of these cases, the individuals who may be turned away are being discriminated against for a host of different reasons: their gender, their looks, their income, or their political affiliation.

I can think of no valid reason why anyone should be treated differently for factors beyond their control, nor should they be viewed negatively because of their beliefs.

Your Role in Stopping Discrimination

I titled this post The End of Discrimination Starts With You because you are the only person you can change. If enough of us make a daily, conscious effort not to discriminate, it is possible for real societal change to take place.

In my own personal and professional life, I am more prone to help someone who I believe is discriminated against than someone who is not. When I see that someone is disadvantaged because of something beyond their control, I go out of my way to befriend them and help in any way I can.

Therefore, I am challenging you to start looking at everyone as equal and going above and beyond to support those who likely feel discriminated against. When you do, you benefit from knowing it’s the right thing to do. In addition, you will be showing greater respect to those around you and will present yourself as someone with a balanced and tolerant worldview.

Begin Today

If you wish to join me in taking an active stance against all forms of discrimination, here are some ways you can begin.

• Never again say anything negative or derogatory about anyone as it relates to things outside their control.
• Be more aware of discrimination. When you witness it, ask yourself if there is anything you can do personally to remedy the situation. Then do it!
• Be intentional about giving favor to those whom you know are being discriminated against.
• Say the words and practice the behavior you want children to imitate. As parents and teachers, we have a huge influence on our children and their views.
• Guard your thoughts and words when with those who make discriminating remarks.  Stand up for what’s right.
• Choose your friends carefully. People who discriminate are not friends of mine. Remember that you are the average of your five closest friends.

“It is often easier to become outraged by injustice half a world away than by oppression and discrimination half a block from home.” —Carl T. Rowan

Building Relationships That Last

Whether you’ve just recently dipped your toe into the pool of online social networking or you’ve been swimming in it for some time, you have probably realized that it’s all about relationships.

While the internet allows us to connect in new ways and stay connected regardless of where we are, the fundamental skills of building relationships remain unchanged.

Today’s lesson is an important reminder for all of us that the key to any long-term relationship is making sure that you give at least as much as you get.

The value of relationships

One of the most basic needs of humans is to have meaningful relationships with other people. Relationships connect us to each other in every aspect of our lives.

One of the greatest regrets many individuals express at the end of their lives is the lack of time they spent with their spouse, children, and special people. It’s time given to our loved ones and friends that fulfills us and brings meaning to our lives.

There are other benefits as well. Wholesome, long-term relationships bring happiness and health to our lives. Studies show that people with enriching relationships really do have more happiness and they experience less stress.

Long-term relationships require deposits

Enduring relationships are those that may last 5, 10, 15, or more years. Clearly, not every relationship falls into this category, but if you want to build a long-term relationship—one that feeds and sustains you in the different areas of your life—you will need to be deliberate about the time and attention you give.

For any relationship to last over a long period of time, it must be the kind where you offer value and meet the needs of the other person. I sometimes refer to this as making deposits into the relationship.

I like the way Anthony Robbins explains this concept.

“Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something. They’re trying to find someone who’s going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give and not a place that you go to take.”

You can make deposits to any relationship by starting to do the little things that show your interest and that you truly care. Here are just a few of the 101 things you can do:

• Send an email just to say hi without asking for anything.
• Call to see how a son or daughter performed in a recent activity.
• Send a card or email on a holiday or birthday to tell them you are thinking about them.
• Express appreciation through a thank-you note or phone call for something done for you.
• Help them in times of need.
• Encourage them when starting new things.
• Compliment them on the things they do well.
• Be supportive during times of struggle and grief.

I try my best to make regular deposits into all my relationships. From listening to offering a helping hand when needed, I am intentional about putting more into the relationships I value than I ever plan to take out. Not only does this give me satisfaction from knowing that this is the right thing to do, it feels good and draws me closer to them.

How to nurture your relationships

The best way to nurture your relationships is to contribute to each of them according to their needs and expectations. Take a few moments to ask yourself these questions:

• What are the specific needs and expectations of my employer, customer, or client?
• What are the needs and desires of my spouse or significant other?
• What do my friends need in their relationships with me?

To help you put this lesson into perspective, make a note of the five people closest to you. These should be people with whom you have or desire to have a lasting relationship. Include on your list at least one family member, one friend, and at least one person you work for or with whom you do business.

Next, ask yourself, “What does ________ (someone’s name) need from a relationship with me and what can I do to provide it?”

Remember that what you decide to deposit into each relationship should depend on that person’s specific needs.

When you start asking what you can do to improve your relationships with others—rather than asking what they can do for you—your relationships will bring you joy and satisfaction and brighten the lives of those you care about.

10 Reasons Your Weight Matters

While I recognize that weight control is a sensitive subject, it would be irresponsible of me to have a blog teaching you the little things that will help you enjoy greater success and fulfillment but neglect this important subject. Please know I care about each of you and would never want to hurt you. I share this type of information because your weight does matter.

Because our weight is primarily dependent on what and how much we eat, how frequently we eat, and how much exercise we get, it’s essential to recognize that for most of us, our weight is a choice. Even if it’s harder for you than most people to lose weight, it doesn’t change the fact that it is a choice.

I also want to acknowledge that for some people, it doesn’t matter what they eat or how frequently they exercise, they just aren’t able to lose weight. Reasons could range from genes to endocrine disorders and from medications to psychiatric illnesses. We should all be sensitive to the fact that losing weight is not a simple choice for everyone. I know this for a fact because I have a couple of close friends who fall into this category.

Based on my 20 years in the health and wellness field, I have compiled what I have learned from working with thousands of people who have testified to the benefits of getting their weight under control.  Although there are many more reasons your weight matters, I have listed the ten reasons most commonly reported and widely accepted.

Ten Reasons Your Weight Matters

1. Your health will improve.

There are literally 101 health benefits of maintaining an optimal weight. This list includes simple things like reduced stress on bones and joints to more serious problems like sleep apnea, high blood pressure, and heart disease.

Here are some of the most severe and prevalent life-threatening illnesses correlated with obesity:

• 80% of Type II diabetes is related to obesity
• 70% of cardiovascular disease is related to obesity
• 42% of breast and colon cancer is related to obesity
• 30% of gall bladder surgery is related to obesity

2. Your life expectancy will increase.

We were not designed to carry excess weight. Our bodies do not function at optimal levels when we have added surplus pounds. An Oxford University study analyzed nearly one million people from around the world and found that obesity can trim as much as ten years off your life. This ten-year loss is equal to the effects of lifelong smoking.

3. You will be a better example to your children.

According to the center for disease control (CDC), obesity has increased 74% in the last 15 years. Today, 27% of all children are obese. For children, obesity suppresses growth hormone, which is responsible for bone growth, organ growth, and muscle growth. This has huge implications for the health of our world’s children. If you make it a priority to get your weight under control by changing your family’s diet and exercising, you will be setting an example for your children to follow.

4. You will have more energy.

Whether you attribute it to an increased metabolic rate that comes from exercise, improved sleep, or the absence of sluggishness, people who effectively control their weight report more energy.

5. You will experience greater self-esteem.

With rare exceptions, the number-one thing I sense from people who have lost weight is an increase in their self-esteem. They smile more. They are happier. They are proud of themselves. Looking good physically equals feeling good mentally and emotionally. When we employ the discipline required to get our weight under control, we feel great about ourselves—and rightly so!

6. You will be more confident.

Confidence may start on the inside, but it definitely shows on the outside. Because weight control is difficult, people who experience success in this area show it in the way they walk and talk, as well as in the way they look and interact with people.

7. You will have more personal initiative.

Success breeds success. Accomplishing something big—like getting your weight under control—naturally builds your confidence. When you combine improved self-esteem, self-confidence, and increased energy, you will feel like you can tackle anything.

8. You will enjoy an enhanced quality of life.

By most people’s standards, an active lifestyle is more enjoyable than a sedentary lifestyle. Excessive weight often limits us from getting out in the world and doing the things we enjoy. Some of the most exciting weight loss stories I hear people share are the things they are now able to do that they couldn’t do before.

9. You will be held in higher regard.

The negative characteristics commonly associated with being overweight—whether perceived or real—are no longer an obstacle when your weight is under control.
One study done by Yale University quantified the stigma that people attach to overweight and obese individuals. Their research revealed negative stigmatization of obese individuals on the part of managers, teachers, doctors, and nurses, as well as friends and family, and even dietary professionals.

10. Your value to the market will increase.

Regardless of whether or not we agree with it, weight discrimination is a reality. Whether two candidates are vying for a new job or promotion or two salespeople are competing for the sale, with all other factors equal, the person whose weight is under control will often have the advantage. Furthermore, studies have demonstrated a correlation between obesity and lower earnings for both men and women.

Resolve to Take Control

One of the most powerful emotions that brings about change is resolve. It’s what gives you the determination to change when you have had enough. It’s when deep inside you say with grit and determination, “I’ve had it!” It’s the time when you say, “It’s over; I am going to change this area of my life. I know it won’t be easy, but I AM GOING TO DO IT.”

Are you ready to take control of your weight? Here are seven steps to get you started:

• Make better food choices. You know the foods you should and shouldn’t be eating.  If you don’t know, make it a point to educate yourself.
• Drink water. Avoid drinks with chemical additives like sodas as well as drinks that contain high amounts of liquid carbohydrates.
• Find an exercise you enjoy, even if it’s as simple as walking, and do it regularly.
• Don’t eat between meals. This is prime fat-burning time. If you absolutely must snack, keep it healthy.
• Increase your dietary fiber intake to a minimum of 28 grams a day.
• Don’t overeat.
• Avoid desserts.

If you are having difficulty losing weight, tell your healthcare provider. There are tests that can be run to identify the problem. If you’re on a budget, consider using a Medifast coupon or Nutrisystem discount code.

What kinds of setbacks or limitations (life, health, career, etc.) have you experienced personally or observed of others when it comes to weight? Please share your experience in the comment section below this post.

Let today be the day you make the decision that enough is enough and that you are going to learn what you need to do to get your weight under control.

How to Accept Compliments

From a very young age, all of us were taught how to accept a gift: say thank you, say something nice about the gift, and, above all, don’t say you don’t like it (even if you don’t), because that will hurt the feelings of the giver.

This advice is as good today as it was when you were five years old. It still applies whenever you receive a gift—and that includes the gift of a compliment.

Graciously accepting a compliment in any setting is not only good manners, it’s a sign of someone who is confident and self-assured. It’s also a way to build rapport by acknowledging the compliment paid.

Today’s lesson on accepting compliments will help you see that this little thing can be a huge boost to your reputation.

A Social Skill Worth Doing Well

There are a number of theories as to why people have a hard time accepting compliments. Reasons range from wanting to appear modest or not feeling as if the compliment is deserved to doubting the sincerity of the person giving the compliment.

What you may not realize, however, is that rejecting, deflecting, or not properly acknowledging a compliment creates a negative impression for three specific reasons:

1.  Discounts the intentions of the person giving the compliment
2.  Sends the message that you think the giver’s opinion is flawed
3.  Suggests that you don’t value your own abilities or talents

Remember that everybody is busy.  We all have our own concerns to look after, so when someone takes notice of something we’ve done well and makes an effort to tell us, we owe it to them to acknowledge their thoughtfulness.

Do You Recognize a Compliment When You Hear One?

Defined as an expression of praise, commendation, or admiration, compliments should be pretty easy to recognize but can be tough to spot when we’re focused on ourselves. Here are two examples:

“Have you lost weight, Mary? You look terrific!”

• “It must be the outfit.”

Mary is sending a message that she’s self-conscious about her weight and/or doesn’t deserve credit for her efforts.

“I’m really happy with the way you handled yourself on that call, Bill.”

• “Yeah, but I wish I would have remembered to tell them about the discount.

Bill is sending a message that he doesn’t think he’s good enough and that he is not able to see the potential benefit that may come from his contribution.

Responding to a Compliment

These two examples may seem obvious, but remember that compliments come in many forms. Whatever the situation, there is a proper way to acknowledge praise, commendation, or admiration.

• Make eye contact. Acknowledging a compliment is a perfect time to connect with someone. Look the person in the eye when you respond. Doing so communicates sincerity and self-confidence.

• Say “Thank you.” A sincere, unhurried ‘thank you’ along with a smile and eye contact is more often than not all that is necessary.

• Don’t explain anything. If you feel moved, you can follow your ‘thank you’ with something positive. Doing so communicates desirable character traits, such as friendliness and positivity. Caution: If you can’t keep it brief and will be tempted to explain or rationalize your action or accomplishment, leave it at a simple “thank you.”

Here’s how it might sound if Mary and Bill put this advice into practice:

“Have you lost weight, Mary? You look terrific!”

• Thanks, Barb. I feel great, too.

“I’m really happy with the way you handled yourself on that call, Bill.”

• Thank you, Jim. I appreciate the feedback.

Quite a difference, wouldn’t you say? My challenge for you today is three-fold:

1.  Listen for compliments given to others as you go about your business over the next week. How many times do you hear people rejecting or ignoring a compliment they receive?
2.  Give more compliments than you normally would. Notice the responses people give.
3.  Finally, put today’s advice into practice the very next time you receive a compliment.

Acknowledging a compliment paid is a simple, yet very effective way to make a positive impression and build a favorable reputation.

Think Like an Entrepreneur

Whether you have thought about it or not, if you market your services to the marketplace for a fee, you’re an entrepreneur. Some of us market our services to our employers and some of us market our services directly to consumers. Regardless of who buys our personal services, we are the owners of our own businesses and we market our services for a fee.

One of the few times when most employees actually view themselves as entrepreneurs is when marketing themselves to prospective employers. They put together an impressive résumé. They go out and market their services. They put on their best behavior during the interview process as they describe their services with confidence. Then, once they get the job, they are back to thinking like an employee.

Who’s in charge of your income and career?

• If you feel like your employer is in charge of your career, then you will find yourself continuing to be a victim of circumstances outside of your control. However…

• If you view yourself as someone in control of your career, you will feel like you are also in control of your life.  So goes one’s career; so goes one’s life.

In today’s lesson, I want to talk about how an entrepreneur thinks. Then I’ll outline some steps you can take to start that type of thinking. I believe you will quickly see the benefits of adopting the mindset of an entrepreneur.

Who are the true entrepreneurs?

• Entrepreneurs view themselves as people who control their destinies. It’s part of their mindset. When you begin to believe you are in control of the number-one thing you do in your life, you will begin to feel the power of being in control of everything you do.

• Entrepreneurs know what needs to be done and do it. They don’t need anyone telling them what to do next. One of the reasons most people fail in being traditional entrepreneurs is that they have been programmed to take instructions from others.  It began as children by our parents and teachers, then it continued as an employee.

• Entrepreneurs are accountable to themselves for their actions and decisions. They know that their success comes from doing what needs to be done to satisfy their clients/customers. While there may be many things they prefer not doing, they hold themselves accountable and do what needs to be done to meet the needs of their customers.

• Entrepreneurs know their value to the market is based on their personal brand and the quality and type of the services they provide. Therefore, they are always looking at the refinements they can make to be people of greater value and ways they can enhance their personal brand.

• Entrepreneurs are always looking at what they can do to bring more value to their customers. They know in the business world income follows value. They know that before they can expect to increase their profits, they must first increase the value of their services.

• Entrepreneurs nurture their relationships with their customers. They know that in addition to the services they provide, people do business with those they like and trust.

How to develop the entrepreneurial mindset.

1.  Awareness is where all changes begin. Since we are all entrepreneurs, start thinking of yourself as a business owner and your services are what you sell. What can you do to increase the value of these services?

2.  If you are marketing your services to an employer, start treating your employer like your most important customer. Build your relationship. Do more than you are expected to do with a grateful attitude. Do the little things that make your employer want to do business with you.

3.  Perform your responsibilities with excellence and never require anyone to remind you of your responsibilities or hold you accountable. Take pride in always doing what is expected of you.

4.  If you work for an employer who does not place the same value on your services as you do, perhaps it’s time to look in the mirror and make an honest assessment of your services. If you feel they are not appreciated, then perhaps it’s time to find a different employer (customer).

5.  Always project a positive business image, from the way you dress to the way you conduct yourself. Remember, you are an entrepreneur and your brand is what people will buy. What can you do to increase the perceived value of your brand?

When you begin to adopt the mindset of an entrepreneur, you will feel a rush of adrenaline as you begin to see that you really are in control of your income and career. If you are an employee, you will quickly become every employer’s dream employee.  Are you ready to lead?

If you’re an entrepreneur, please take a minute and share in the comment section below this post other important aspects of an entrepreneur’s mindset.

You have everything to gain by starting to think like an entrepreneur and nothing to lose. Start today!

What Are You Doing That Bugs People?

What is the number-one thing people do that bugs you? Think about it for a moment.  Do you have something in mind?

How do you feel about people who do that?  Do you want to shake your head in disgust?  Do you want to roll your eyes?  Do you want to bite your tongue as you resist saying something? Do you want to blow your horn? How does this affect your impression of them?

Recently, I posed a question on the Little Things Matter Facebook page asking people to comment on what types of things other people do that bug them. More people responded to this post than any other question posed since starting this page. I hit a nerve.

Not surprisingly, people who lie, are intentionally deceitful, or flaunt arrogance were hot buttons for many who commented. The most common theme that emerged had to do with inconsiderate people. Some of the inconsiderate things listed included people who:

• Don’t use their turn signals
• Drive too close to the car in front of them
• Flick their cigarette butts out the window
• Don’t hold the door open
• Don’t respond to emails, texts, and calls
• Interrupt while someone is talking
• Scan their phone or computer for messages during a conversation
• Leave their shopping cart in the parking lot rather than returning it
• Are late for calls and appointments
• Eat or chew gum with their mouth open

The number and nature of these responses prompted today’s lesson that deals with what happens when we encounter someone who does the very thing that bugs us.

Even more importantly, what happens when we’re the ones who are bugging people? How does it affect their view of us?

Why You Should Care

In the context of personal and professional development, you need to know one of the worst things you can do is something that annoys or bugs another person.

Upon reading this, you may feel one of two ways:

• Why should I care if I’m bugging anybody? I can’t please everybody!
• What do I do that bugs people and how does this affect their view of me?

You might have guessed by now that I believe you should care. Here’s why:

• When you have a habit that bothers other people and do nothing about it, you brand yourself as someone who is inconsiderate. Do inconsiderate people win friends, influence people, or get promotions?

• Most people don’t even realize that what they’re doing may be bugging others. Quite plainly, this creates a big, ugly pimple on their reputation!

• Finally, a carefree attitude of “It’s a free country; so what if you don’t like it?” will cause you to end up unloved, unappreciated, unpopular, and unhappy. Remember, it’s a small world.

Are You Ready to Learn About Yourself?

The first step toward ridding yourself of habits that others may find distasteful or offensive and preserving your reputation is to learn what you may be doing that bugs other people. The easiest way to do this is to simply ask. It may be awkward or even slightly embarrassing, but it won’t kill you.

Start with your spouse, your children, or another family member. Ask them for their honesty. And when they do offer to tell you, don’t get defensive. When you’re ready, ask a trusted colleague, supervisor, or someone who reports to you. It takes courage, but I guarantee they’ll respect you for asking, especially when they see you making an effort to change.

If you just can’t bring yourself to ask anyone outright, here are ways to figure it out yourself:

• Make a conscious effort to watch how others are viewing your actions and reactions.
• Notice when others seem to be turned off by something you say or do.
• Take time to think about what you can start doing to be more considerate of others.

Today, rather than post what bugs you, I’m asking you to leave a comment about a habit of yours that you want to seriously eliminate. Simple answer this question.

If I asked my spouse, boss, co-worker, or closest friend the one thing I did that really bugs them, they would probably say _____________.

Is Your Word Really Your Bond?

As many of you may know, the sum and focus of every post I write on the Little Things Matter blog is about helping you become the person you need to be to achieve your goals and live the life you desire.

The stories told, daily lessons posted, and life experiences shared are all about helping you grow in every area of your personal and professional life.

In today’s lesson, I want to bring attention to one of the core elements of your character—being a person of your word. There are very few subjects more important than your personal character. Being known as a person who honors your word is as simple as doing what you said you would do when you said you would do it.

Why Your Word Matters

In short, honoring your word plays a powerful role in how you are viewed by others. In the long term, it also plays a large part in how you view yourself. And, quite frankly, it dictates whether you are a person who is respected and accepted or disrespected and scorned.

It’s ironic that although nearly everyone will admit to valuing the importance of keeping your word, fewer and fewer people actually do it. As a result, when I see people who consistently live up to their commitments, my respect for them soars.

While honoring your word does include big things like marriage and business agreements, it also includes the little things you say you will do—such as calling when you said you would, remembering to let your neighbor’s pet in as you promised, and getting the report turned in on time.

Just as there are benefits to doing what you say you will, there are repercussions when you don’t. When we allow ourselves to back out of our commitments, it usually results in guilt and time wasted in our attempt to avoid those we’ve let down. I’ve learned it takes more time and emotional energy to circumvent or repair a damaged relationship when we’ve shirked a commitment than it does to keep it!

Keep Your Commitments

Undoubtedly there have been and will continue to be times when you agree to do something that you later regret. However, once you have agreed to do something, don’t back out or procrastinate. Don’t hope the other party will forget or wait for them to remind you. When you have given your word that you will do something, you must do it and do it when it is expected.

After you have fulfilled your obligation (however painful), learn from the experience. Why was it so hard to follow through? Was it a matter of time, or were you ill-equipped in the first place? Whatever the reason, figure it out and know that it should factor into the next time you are asked to do something similar.

Not only is living up to your commitments vital in building the trust and respect of others, but it is critical in building your own self-respect. Whether you realize it or not, when you fall back on your promises, it erodes your self-image and self-esteem. Think of the last commitment you failed to fulfill. How did this experience make you feel about yourself?

Think Before You Commit

Becoming a person whose word can be trusted and relied upon boils down to a few basic things:

1.  Think before you commit. With very few exceptions, you don’t have to immediately say yes or no to a request. Take an hour, an evening, or a day to think it through. Consider all that is involved and decide whether or not it’s something you are willing to commit your time and energy to. If not, politely decline.

2.  Once you have given your word, don’t give yourself the option to back out.

I have asked myself hundreds of times, “What was I thinking when I made that commitment?” When this happens, I muster everything I have to uphold my end of the bargain. I do that because I feel so strongly that honoring my word is essential to who I am. It’s one of my core values. As a result, I am very careful with the commitments I make.

My Challenge to You

• Starting today, become a person who lives up to your word and does what you say you will even when circumstances change.

• Uphold your word with a good attitude. Remember that it was you who said “yes” in the first place.
• Take every opportunity to learn from your commitments so that you can make better decisions in the future.
• Finally, do you have any unfulfilled commitments? Do them now. You will feel better.

Keeping your word is one of the most effective ways to earn the respect of others and build a solid reputation, both personally and professionally.

Hope Is Alive

Daniel Eugene “Rudy” Ruettiger was born on August 23, 1948, into a lower-middle-class family. He struggled academically because he was dyslexic, but he excelled in football, leading his high school team in tackles during his junior and senior years at Joliet Catholic Academy.

Rudy had a dream of attending Notre Dame and playing for The Fighting Irish football team, despite his poor academic record and being only 5’6″ and weighing 165 pounds.

After serving in the United States Navy for four years, he applied for Notre Dame. In spite of three rejections and much ridicule from his family, Rudy never gave up hope.

First, he had to do his early college work at Holy Cross College.  In the fall of 1974, he was finally accepted as a student at Notre Dame.  Rudy earned a place on the scout team—a practice squad that helps the varsity team practice for games.  However, he never gave up hope of playing on the varsity team.

In the final home game of Rudy’s senior season, Coach Devine asked him to dress in the varsity uniform, #45.  With 32 seconds left to play in the game against Georgia Tech, Coach sent Rudy in and, on the final play, Rudy sacked the Georgia Tech quarterback.  With his dream realized, Rudy was ecstatic as his teammates carried him off the field.

Understanding Hope

Life can become very complicated, but hope is simple.  Hope is an attitude.  It is born of an internal optimistic belief that the best outcome will occur regardless of circumstances.

Hope is elusive and intangible.  It cannot be seen, heard, touched, tasted, or smelled, but it can be felt. It’s a feeling that what you want can be had or that events will turn out for the best.

Hope can endure difficult times.  And the results are evident as they were in the life of Rudy.

Hope is a mindset or way of thinking.  You have no doubt heard the story of the two prisoners.  Both looked out of their prison bars. One saw mud; the other saw stars.

I believe that hope is the foundation for success; it’s a choice you make that allows you to look forward to something with desire and confidence.  Christopher Reeve said, “Once you choose to hope, anything’s possible.” This is the hope that I seek and that I encourage you to as well.

Recognizing Enemies of Hope

Doubts, fears, pessimism, and disappointments in life can appear like mountains and will rob you of hope.

Napoleon Hill said, “All down through the road of life you will meet with obstacles, many of them. Failure will overtake you time after time, but remember that it is a part of Nature’s method to place obstacles and failure in your way, as hurdles are placed before a horse that is being trained, that you may learn from these, some of the greatest of all lessons.”

In other words, when we live with the understanding that difficult times are meant to be endured and that we stand to gain from every trial, we can withstand nearly anything knowing that day always follows night and that the sun will shine again.

“If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all.  And so I still have a dream.” -Martin Luther King, Jr.

Building Your Hope Bank

As I thought about how to best communicate my belief that hope is accessible to everyone, I considered every circumstance I could think of and settled on three essential things that must be present in order to build a bank of hope to draw upon in times of struggle or strife.

1.  Create a picture of your future. Consider your goals, your vision, or your life’s dream. Whatever you call it, having an idea of where you see yourself and what you see yourself doing in the future is a powerful way to sustain hope when circumstances are pulling you down. Create this picture and modify it as you like. It’s all yours.

2.  Develop an everyday response mechanism. Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it. Or, if you prefer, you are the sky; everything else is just the weather. It changes, you don’t. Therefore, why should the picture of your future change just because the things around you have?  While focusing on your goal, make the decisions and take the actions you need to in order to stay on track. Don’t let life’s winds blow you off course!

3.  Take time for reflection. Life is busy, can be confusing, and sometimes seems downright unfair. Therefore, it’s essential that we take time on a regular basis to reflect on where we’re at and how we’re doing. When we do, it allows us to keep the bigger picture in mind, make changes where we need to, and not become victims of circumstance.

When you have a clear picture of your ideal future, a way to navigate day-to-day issues, and take time to consider how you’re doing, you are building your ‘hope bank.’

Take a moment right now to assess the value of your own hope bank. If it’s time to make a deposit, spend some time revisiting what it is you want your future to look like. Then, decide what you need to do to take a step closer to it. What are some things you do to keep your hope alive?  Tell me in the comment section below this post.

When you have hope and are living an intentional life, things like happiness and optimism, high expectations, and success not only seem achievable, they become inevitable.

The Missing Link

The 1991 movie City Slickers is a cowboy comedy starring Billy Crystal as Mitch and Jack Palance as Curly. These two men have a conversation that becomes a pivotal point in the movie.

Curly: Do you know what the secret of life is? This. [Holding up one finger]

Mitch: Your finger?

Curly: One thing. Just one thing.

Mitch: But what is the “one thing”?

Curly: [Smiling] That’s what you have to find out.

By the end of the cattle drive, Mitch gains insight into his one thing. He explains to another cowboy that the one thing is different for everybody, and we’re all searching for it whether we realize it or not.

Mitch’s one thing is a bit like the missing link each of us has when it comes to our personal and professional growth.

When you consider the kind of person you need to be to achieve your goals and live the life you want, do you know what’s holding you back? Today’s lesson is about finding the missing link to your own personal and professional growth.

Are You Like Mike?

Mike is a friend of mine from years ago, but his story is a perfect example of why it’s important for all of us to consciously look for the missing link in our pursuit of success. Mike and I were both in sales and worked together for a number of years.

When it came to sales, Mike had everything going for him. He was disciplined and understood the importance of prospecting, which he did with religious fervor. He looked good and was always on time for every appointment. He had all the necessary ingredients to succeed, except one. Mike wasn’t a likable person.

In business and social settings, Mike didn’t know how to do the little things to connect with people. As a result, he struggled and couldn’t figure out why. He just didn’t see what was holding him back. Likability was Mike’s missing link.

Spot the Missing Link

Believe it or not, Mike’s situation is a lot more common than you might realize. I have often seen people with tremendous potential fall short of achieving their goals because there is something they’re blind to that ends up sabotaging their success. Consider these common examples:

• Joe has been a loyal employee for the past six years and is an expert at what he does. He meets every requirement for the district manager position that just opened up. Unfortunately, he sometimes ignores the company rules concerning business attire. This one little thing kept him from being the candidate selected.

• Sue and Bob’s marriage is struggling lately because Sue is not showing respect to Bob. Bob, in turn, doesn’t give Sue what she needs. Neither sees their role in the unending cycle of ‘withholding’ from one another.

• Diane and Susan both give great presentations to a prospective client. The client likes both pitches equally but finds that Diane’s need to control every conversation is a turnoff and, as a result, awards the business to Susan.

Can you see the missing links?

• Joe’s failure to follow company rules = Respect for authority

• Sue and Bob’s failure to see how meeting the other person’s needs would fulfill their own = Empathy

• Diane’s inability to see that her overbearing tendencies are offensive = Communication skills

Imagine the possibilities if these folks only knew what piece of the puzzle they were missing. None of these are difficult skills to master, yet it’s the inability to identify them that prevents these people, and millions like them, from achieving their potential.

What the Missing Link Is Not

I will tell you that the missing link isn’t an answer to everything. Even when you figure it out, you need to add it to the rest of the disciplines and habits you practice in pursuit of your goals. Your missing link merely complements the little things you must do to achieve success in life, and it helps you get there faster—it doesn’t replace them.

Find Your Own Missing Link

If you are like most people, there are one or two little things you can do to greatly enhance each area of your life.  It may be taking your wife on a date each week, tweaking your golf grip, being friendlier around the office, or simply smiling at your customers. While there are hundreds of little things that matter, what’s the single biggest thing keeping you from building a happier marriage, holding you back in your career, or having a better relationship with your children?

I recommend two strategies for finding your missing link:

Reflect on your past—The first is to make a list of your unmet goals and disappointments. Before you say “No, thanks,” understand that this isn’t an exercise meant to have you beat yourself up. It’s an opportunity for you to look for patterns and commonalities in these situations and learn from them.  This exercise requires you to be completely honest with yourself.

Ask for help—Enlist the help of a few trusted friends or colleagues. Ask them, “What do you think is the one thing I could be doing differently to improve?” Or “If you could suggest that I change one thing in the way I approach _________, what would it be?” The blank could be anything, such as your job, your marriage, your parenting, etc.

When I was in sales, I called 100% of the people who declined my services.  I thanked them for giving me the opportunity to present my services.  I told them I was committed to achieving my personal best and asked what I could have done differently to earn their business. It was a gold mine of advice, but one lesson I learned was my missing link, and I would never have guessed it on my own.

Of all the self-improvement exercises I recommend, these may be among the most challenging. By the same token, they also stand to help you identify the one or two little things that are holding you back from achieving your most important goal.

You may be just one link away from breaking the barrier and taking your relationships, your career, or your life to the next level.

Responsibility Reflects Character

As I read the latest news regarding the BP oil spill, I was reminded once again about the important subject of accepting responsibility.

BP confirmed that Tony Hayward will step down on October 1st as the company seeks to reassure both the public and investors that it is taking responsibility for the spill and is learning lessons from this major disaster.

“BP will change as a result of this accident,” BP Chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg told investors.” We are taking a hard look at ourselves, what we do, and how we do it. What we learn will have implications for our ways of working, our strategy, and our governance.”

Whatever your personal views are about the oil spill, please know that I’m not writing to defend or attack BP. I’m simply offering this current event as a way to illustrate what accepting responsibility looks like and why it’s in your best interest to do so.

It doesn’t matter whether we’re talking about a national disaster like the Gulf oil spill or a personal blunder like losing your temper; the process of accepting responsibility for your action is the same.

Accepting responsibility for your actions and decisions will help you earn the trust, respect, and confidence of others as well as improve your self-image.

Sadly, accepting full responsibility for one’s decisions and actions is becoming a rarity. The good news is that those who do will stand out from the crowd.

Whose Fault Is It?

How we handle responsibility for our decisions as well as our mistakes is a direct reflection of our character. It’s wrong to think that we’re fooling anyone when we project blame onto someone or something else instead of being accountable for our actions or decisions. People are smarter than that. They can tell when we’re shirking our responsibilities, and they find it extremely distasteful.

• Blaming Others

It’s easy to see early on in life who has it right and who hasn’t. Consider the little league player who always blames the team’s loss on the coaches, the umpires, and the other players. Or how the young professional with a poor performance record insists every time that it’s because of something beyond her control.

• Accepting Responsibility

At the other end of the spectrum, you’ve probably also witnessed or heard about the positive side. Like a group of boys confessing to the neighbor that they broke his window rather than running away. Or the husband who humbles himself before his wife and children and apologizes after having been unnecessarily short with them.

Universally, people who accept responsibility for their actions command greater respect and influence. By contrast, those who pass the buck or make excuses eventually lose the trust and confidence of others.

In addition to reflecting character, accepting responsibility is one of the most critical factors in leadership. No one wants to follow leaders who attempt to pass the buck or who don’t accept responsibility for their mistakes or errors in judgment.

In my own life, I make every effort to always accept full responsibility for my decisions—both good and bad. Doing so has played a critical role in helping me make better decisions. I believe this is because when you hold yourself accountable for your mistakes, you learn important lessons from those painful experiences that help you avoid making the same mistake or bad decision again.

Three Keys to Accepting Responsibility

As a foundation for considering the essential elements of accepting responsibility, let’s break out what BP Chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg said:

1. Self-examination

“We are taking a hard look at ourselves, what we do, and how we do it.”

The first step in accepting responsibility is to reflect on your action or decision. Before you can make anything right or apologize for a mistake, you have to have a clear understanding of where you went wrong.

2. Learning

“What we learn will have implications for our ways of working, our strategy, and our governance.”

Once you have a clear idea of what went wrong, you must ask yourself what you learned as a result. If you experience a success, what led to it and how can you capitalize on this knowledge in the future? If you made a mistake, what kinds of actions or thinking got you into hot water? Are your priorities in the right order? Is your focus in the right place?

3. Change

“BP will change as a result of this accident.”

Self-examination and learning by themselves are not enough. If we are serious about becoming someone who accepts responsibility for our actions and desires the benefits that come with it, we must also commit to and follow through with the change. Continue what’s working and change what isn’t.

A Good Place to Start

I want to strongly encourage you to commit from this point forward to accept 100% responsibility for your actions and decisions. If you’re wondering where to start, here are some areas I believe are essential:

• Accept responsibility for where you find yourself today.
• Accept responsibility for the state of your marriage.
• Accept responsibility for your children.
• Accept responsibility for the state of your other relationships.

If you aspire to be a leader in your personal and professional life, begin by accepting full responsibility for everything you undertake and never passing the buck when things go wrong.

Push Yourself

(Author: Jake Smith, Todd’s son)

I’ve learned that the only way to grow is to push yourself beyond what’s comfortable. I’ve found in my short life that you will not get better by doing what you always do. You have to use your personal initiative to go outside your comfort zone in your pursuit of success.

My First Job

This was reinforced last year when I started looking for my first job. Initially, I thought of two places where I wanted to work, but my dad challenged me to make a list of as many businesses as I could. I went through every option and thought about all the places within five miles of my house. It was a good thing I did because I was only 16, and most employers wouldn’t hire anyone under 18.

Within a week, I landed my first interview with Publix Super Markets. I was very nervous! I had never been in an interview before. Would he/she like me? Would I present myself well? These were some of the questions I thought to myself. I remembered to do the little things that my dad had been teaching me, such as smiling, making eye contact, having a firm handshake, and speaking with confidence. Well, it worked; I got the job!

During my initial onsite training, which was also intimidating, I learned my basic responsibilities, which included bagging groceries, retrieving carts, and mopping the floors. I recall my first day on the job. My palms were sweaty. My heart was beating out of my chest. It was a completely new experience for me.

Moving Outside My Comfort Zone

Implementing what I learned combined with the little things my parents had taught me, I began to get better. I was a hard worker and the manager took notice quickly! After working there for a few weeks, I received compliments from the manager that I was a better worker than some of the kids who had worked there much longer than me.

At this point, I was doing a good job with my assigned responsibilities, but there was still room for growth. Being an introvert, I was uncomfortable interacting with customers. My dad challenged me to be friendly with every customer whose groceries I bagged. This was difficult. On a typical 4-5 hour shift, I would bag between 80-100 people’s groceries.

On the first day, I was friendly and outgoing to two people. The next time, it was five people. The next time, 10, then 15, then 25. It was still uncomfortable but because I pushed myself to get better, it got easier. By the sixth day, I was friendly to 50 people! It still wasn’t natural, but it wasn’t too uncomfortable to ask people how their day was going or talk about the weather!

My Reward

Everyone who knows me knows that I am a quiet and reserved person around strangers. But one of the top cashiers didn’t know me as that person. He told me one day, “You are very good with people.” I never thought in my life I would hear that! It just goes to show that anything is possible if you push yourself beyond what’s comfortable. The improvements I had made definitely gave me a feeling of accomplishment and made me feel better about myself.

In my short work experience, I’ve noticed that the first step outside your comfort zone is by far the hardest. But then it only gets easier! I want to challenge you to find something in your life that you can improve upon. Then push yourself to get better at it! You will be fulfilled and gain confidence as people around you take notice of your development.

“It takes courage to push yourself to places that you have never been before… to test your limits… to break through barriers. And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” – Anais Nin

About the Author: Jake Smith is the son of Todd Smith, founder of Little Things Matter.