Constructive Versus Destructive Complaining

Posted on August 31st, 2010 by Todd Smith - View Comments |Click here to print

Psychologists say that people generally complain for one of two reasons—as a way of enlisting people to agree with their point of view, or as a means of making conversation since negative observations often yield a bigger response than positive comments. (Sadly, that is true.)

Today, I’m going on record as saying that neither of these reasons are valid enough to outweigh the fact that no one likes being around people who are chronic complainers.

Whining Damages Reputations

Whining is a childish trait and can be a very difficult habit to break once it has become a part of a person’s communication style. Nevertheless, breaking the habit of complaining is essential if we wish to be viewed as people whose words carry weight and whose opinions matter.

Some forms of complaints are obvious, but other forms are often disguised as commentary or critique. They may appear more subtle but are just as damaging to your reputation.

Complaint Etiquette

When you do have a legitimate complaint to communicate, you can do so in a productive manner by following these guidelines.

1. Have a purpose. Having an objective for complaining means that you wish to accomplish something that is both reasonable and specific.

Complaints without purpose include things like:

  • The way your favorite NFL team played on Sunday
  • The weather
  • The traffic on the Interstate

These things may bother you to a degree, but you can’t do anything about any of them, so why spend your time (and someone else’s) complaining about them?

2.   Offer a proposed solution. Whenever you complain, be prepared to offer a reasonable solution.

3.   Be understanding. People are not perfect and most employees are doing the best they can. It’s also important to recognize that what may be logical to you, may not be logical to someone else.

Make a point to accept and value the differences in people.  Recognize that we all come from different backgrounds and have different life experiences.  Specifically, have a little more patience; be a little more forgiving of others.

If you find yourself being overly critical of others or the world at large (which leads to the habit of complaining), let me encourage you to start being more aware of this and work on improving your attitude in this area.

4.   Treat others with respect and kindness. If you must complain in such circumstances such as being served cold food in a restaurant, discovering a billing error, or challenging a warranty discrepancy, describe your situation in a way that shows respect to the individual listening to your complaint.

Often times, it’s not their fault. And even if it is, there is no reason to speak to them like they are stupid or incompetent. Doing that will only make matters worse and reflect poorly on you.

How to Break the Destructive Habit

The good news is that breaking the habit of complaining is something we can all do on our own. Here are a few tips to get you started.

  • For the next 24 hours, make an effort to catch yourself each time you complain—at home, at work, and out in the community. Being aware of your tone and how much you verbalize your dissatisfaction with other people or things is the first step toward ridding yourself of this bad habit.
  • Listen to the people around you, especially out in public. Notice how they speak to servers, customer service representatives, and other workers. What does this tell you about them? What does the way you speak to people in public say about you?
  • The next time you find it necessary to lodge a legitimate complaint, make sure it meets the criteria discussed above—purposeful, solution-oriented, understanding, kind, and whine-free.

Complaining is harmful to your reputation. If you must complain, make sure your words are constructive and that you handle yourself in a way that reflects positively on your character.

About the Author: Todd Smith is a successful entrepreneur of 30 years and founder of Little Things Matter. To receive Todd’s daily lessons, subscribe here. All Todd’s lessons are also available on iTunes as downloadable podcasts. (Todd’s podcasts are ranked #27 in America’s top 100 podcasts and #1 in the personal and development field.)

Related Posts:

Are You an Optimist or a Pessimist?

It’s A New Day!

Our Lives are a Mirror Image of the Little Decisions we Make

How Likable are You?

What’s Your Value to the Market?

Who Do I Have To Become To Get What I Want?

Count Your Blessings

The Most Important of All Human Qualities

Living Beyond Ourselves

The Toilet Bowl Syndrome

People Are As Different As They Look

Carefully Select the People who Influence Your Life

Believe That You Can

Being Honest With Ourselves

Do You Say Things You Later Regret?

Do You Get Defensive?

I’m Sorry!

Learn to Enjoy What You Don’t Enjoy

What Are You Doing That Bugs People?

Enjoy Life’s Journey

The Ticking Time Bomb

The Compound Effect
  • EmailEmail
  • FacebookFacebook
  • TwitterTwitter
  • StumbleUponStumbleUpon
  • DiggDigg
  • Del.icio.usDelicious
  • RedditReddit
  • GoogleBuzz
  • ShareThis

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,


  • One of your best articles yet, Todd. Through many years of living, I have observed that some people just aren't happy unless they can make everyone around them as unhappy as they are. Your analytical dissection of this process is most insightful as to the true motivation behind this behavior. I would add a third reason to the psychologist's reasons in the first paragraph. Some people simply want to be the center of attention, to get their own way or manipulate the emotions of everyone around them. This is an especially tough issue when someone has chronic or terminal illness. At what point do you draw the line between whining and purposeful communication? I'm still working on that one myself.
  • Hi Janelle,

    Thanks for your comment. If you figure out the answer to your question, please come back and post what you've learned. Fortunately, I have no experience in that area. I try to stay away from complainers and I am fortunate not to have any in my family.

    Have a great weekend.

    Todd
  • Communication. A healthy energetic person who wants to go and do something hears complaining when a friend can't go because of health issues. The friend sees the same situation as a constructive response based on pragmatic health concerns. Which of them is right?
  • Janelle Helling
    A few observations here: 1. By even raising this topic, I am seen by others as whining and complaining. 2. The format does not allow for editing or removing one's own posts. 3. The system no longer identifies me as a "member" of this forum or blog. Hmmm. Okay. Bye.
  • Hello Janelle.
    The comments are handled by Disqus and once you have signed up with Disqus you can edit your comments. Disqus does not allow to delete you comment but the work around would be editing the comment and type just 1 space or type removed and resave the edit and that will achieve the result you are trying to achieve.
    Hope it helped you.
    Regards, Ernesto
  • Hi Janelle,

    In the online commenting world, once you post something it cannot be edited. There is no such thing as being a member of this blog. Apparently when you made this post the software from Disqus did not recognize your avatar.

    Have a great day!

    Todd
  • Vickianzalone
    AMEN !!!
  • WOW! That is the only time in your life you said ONLY one word. :-)
  • Hello Todd,
    I’m not one to complain very much. I guess it’s just because I know how good I have it. I’m a positive person who knows that negative thoughts create negative experiences.

    I listened to your lesson yesterday and decided to try an experiment based on your challenge. I went out to dinner with four negative friends of mine who know that they are better than most people. I wagered them each $100 that they could not get our waiter to complain or become upset with them before our meal was over. Since we just came from a happy hour function the drinks were working for me and they accepted my bet. They got into being real jerks to get a rise out of this poor kid. Not only was our waiter above the constant insults and complaints that flowed, he kept apologizing and offering remedies to improve the situation. By the end of the meal my friends were feeling rather small due mainly to the many witnesses to their appalling behavior. As a penance I suggested we double our normal tip. After we paid the bill I got a crisp $100 bill from each of them. There was no reason to be suspicious of me because I drove us all there and never left their sight. Of course I did call ahead during happy hour and told our waiter that my friends have had a very bad day and were drunk and belligerent. I wagered him an extra $100 above his tip that he couldn’t treat these idiots like kings. Since I lost that bet I gladly handed him one of the bills as we headed for the door.

    I’m not sure yet if I proved anything other than the fact I can make money with my sick sense of humor. Peer pressure seemed to have an effect on the complainers. Perhaps when they sober up this extreme experience will improve their attitudes.

    I hope I never have to use your intelligent Complaint Etiquette Guidelines, but I’m glad to have them available to me.

    Betting I Won’t Complain,
    Kevin J. Kilroy
  • Hi Kevin,

    I love your story! It must have been fun for you to watch.

    Have a great weekend.

    Todd
  • DavidCookPottery
    Love the post today, Todd.

    My motorhome tag says this: ALL4GOOD. That is how to have any conversation, relationship, job, purpose ... what ever. To me, Todd ... to me. This is life to me now.

    I think I have found the answer to the "What's Next?" question (after weighing 426 lbs in 2006 and barely being able to walk to losing 185 lbs and doing "Beach Walk, 2007" where I walked over 200 miles ... after the dream of hiking The Ramsey Cascades Waterfall Trail near Gatlingburg, Tennessee [4 MILES up, and 4 MILES back down - and two hours down was in the pouring rain! ... then after the last son moving out and all the children being gone from the home and my life as a "Daddy" being over) that almost drove me "crazy" - that DID drive me to deep depression several years ago ... and thinking this life is too hard and I think I want to not be here anymore.

    ALL4GOOD. Doing the positve. All conversatoins with purpose of being a positive man in this world as much as I can. I know there are times I AM NOT that way, but I hope those times are fewer and fewer. My focus now it towards goodness in all things ... in my music, my pottery, my poetry, my writing, my counseling, my cooking dinner for family or friends ... you name it, Todd.

    ALL4GOOD.

    For, you see Todd, I have come to believe that GOOD things are GOD things, and GOD things are always GOOD things. And they need not be tremendously big things to matter. In fact, the thing can be as tiny as a grain of sand. Add them with billions more and you see that all those grains, all those little things, all those LITTLE THINGS MATTER then a lot.

    A hug. A smile. A handshake. A conversation that revisits an old wound to try to clean thing up and make them better. A glass of water in HIS name. All these LITTLE THINGS MATTER.

    Always a fellow traveler with you on this journey of making LITTLE THINGS MATTER,
    Dave

    Dr. David A. Cook
    118 Yost Farm Rd.
    Salisbury, NC 28146
  • Hi David,

    I love you attitude! You will see great improvements in your life if you continue to focus on the good things in your life.

    What are you plans this weekend?

    Todd
  • David- Your comment was duplicated, so I removed one of them and it removed both of them. Sorry! Todd
  • elramirez
    It is easy to think that others share our mind when is not. Like you said, what's logical to us might not be to them and the difference in backgrounds could be phenomenal. Great tips to keep in mind and to help us think before we speak, I particularly like how you summarized it in the last bullet point. TY Todd
  • Hi El- Thanks for your comment! Have a great weekend. Todd
  • elramirez
    Thanks a lot. Enjoy yours too!
  • Excellent advice. I have found that as a rule, the old saying about flies, vinegar and honey really is true.
  • Thanks Ed!
  • Wcsfun
    The most ironic thing I've found about people who complain often or are negative-thinking in general....is that if you mention this trait - however gently - many get quite offended and don't see themselves like that at all. I was raised by a parent - a really good-hearted person, but one who saw the entire world as the proverbial half-empty glass. He was constantly complaining about rude people, stupid policies, noisy neighbors, loud children, motorcycles, crowded events, traffic, politics, bad TV shows...you name it. It was rare to ever hear a good or joyful comment. But he never saw himself that way at all: he insisted he was a "realist" who "tells it like it is" and I was too "sensitive." And he's hardly the only one: I've heard several people proudly describe themselves that way. Maybe it's our culture?
  • I agree that most of the people who do things they shouldn't do don't even realize what they are doing. I started to go down the road a few years ago where I was complaining more than I should. I listented to a CD from Napoleon where he said that it is a character flaw if you tend to complain about people AND the world at large. At that moment I recognized my weakness and started working on it. I now seldom complain. Perhaps this lessons will hit people like Hill's lesson hit me.

    Thanks!

    Todd
  • Mark Hartman
    Absolutely correct, Todd. Your post today is a very nice expansion on the old saying, "If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem."

    It's important to note, however, that what some people consider complaining is actually a request for enlightenment on the part of the "complainer." As an example, my father took me to my first professional football game when I was 11 years old (and a complete nerd, knowing nothing about football). I couldn't understand why the clock kept "breaking," and pointed out this "fact" to my father. He took it as complaining, and basically ignored it, instead of taking the opportunity to educate me about the game.

    Although chronic complaining is abhorrent, perhaps we should all ask ourselves first if we're inclined to hear complaining, or if we're receptive to requests for information, even if phrased badly.

    --Mark Hartman
  • Great point Mark! Thanks for your contribution! Speaking of football, college football starts this weekend. I hope you now enjoy football. Todd
  • Mark:
    You made a great point and have brought a new facet and depth to
    the discussion. Thanks.

    I raise my hand, yes I am very sensitive to toxic and negative comments because
    I heard so much of it. It is like the saying in my culture: who gets burned
    with milk... sees a cow and cries.

    Your second point is very valid as well: lack of specificity & rambling communication
    can make the rational type very frustrated.

    Good contribution.
    Regards
  • Ernesto,

    I know you have been around negative people, but I hope the awareness brought about by this lesson helps you see the downside of complaining.

    I am excited about your future!

    Please remind me of your home country?

    Todd
  • Donna Brewer
    Good morning Todd, thank you for a great way to start my day. I do want to congradulate you on the publishing of your book. I look forward to seeing it on the best seller list soon. I think the little things that you've shared with over these months are words that we all can live by. I wish you and your family, peace, love, joy, health and continued success in every way. Your friend and fan, Donna Brewer
  • Hi Donna,

    Thanks for your thoughtful message!

    I hope you and your family have a fun and relaxing weekend.

    Todd
  • Wonderful advice!! Thanks so much!
  • Thanks Janan!
  • Great post and yes the subject is very common. I believe that varies depending
    on cultures and also generations as well. I am in complete agreement about the futility of complaints over things no one can change like weather or a million things and such type of complaints are a complete energy and patience drain.
    I enjoyed your post for today.
    Thank you and will be here on Th.
  • Hi Ernesto

    How does complaining change between cultures? I love learning how different cultures view things.

    Thanks!

    Todd
  • Hello Todd.
    Well, some cultures are more prone to complaining or being codependent from each other and getting attention that way.
    I am a racial mix and I have traveled a bit; I communicated and interacted" with people in places I have been to, I do not just pass by places like another tourist but, that is my personal experience and perception obviously.
    Of course I will not mention any group in particular because I will have to wear a helmet for the rest of my life. ;-))
  • Thanks Ernesto! The older I get the more I enjoy the differences in cultures.
blog comments powered by Disqus