Great article, and I have a lot of take-a-ways I can start using today! One question I have is after you do take "the high road" and send a thoughtful e-mail rather than a defensive one, what happens if the recipient continues to "beat you down" with more berating comments which makes you feel even more deflated after opening yourself up during the previous e-mail?

Hi Kgoyke,

If Sue would have responded with another demanding email, the best decision I could have made would have been to take 5 minutes and send a check and not worry about it.

I guess I am fortunate because I have not had many occasions where I've been berated. If someone did, I would lose respect for that person and close my communication with them. My tolerance for that type of abusive behavior is ZERO.

Stay strong, believe in yourself and don't allow yourself to be abused.

Todd

Todd-
Thank you- so often that has happened with me in the various organizations that I volunteer in, and now I too know I can better facilitate my emails to others as well as how I respond to such emails. Great reminder and as always a learning session. I often struggle with sending those emails out (being Sue), and honoring confidentiality or trying to prevent hurt feelings by not mentioning names, or quite honestly being too hurried to take the time to explain a little more in the situation. Thanks again

Hi Lisa,

Thanks for your contribution. I am glad you found value in this lesson.

Todd

An additional thought on this topic. There is an appropriate time to respond gently or not at all. There is also a time when one must confront the wolf. Wisdom is the discernment of when and how ...

Hi Janelle,

Yes there are times to confront the wolf, but fortunately there aren't many of those in my life. I have found if you choose your relationships carefully, both personally and professionally, you will have very few people do things that require you to confront them.

Thanks!

Todd

So many of us have had to face this dilemma and the sad part of it all is that once you hit the send button you can never get it back, The same holds true in life once the words are spoken you can't take them back. Even if the high court says, "Strike that from the record."
I recently had a similar situation that prompted me to write an article on my own blog entitled "Email Etiquette - Some People Still Don't Get It."
It is so very important to pause for the cause. I typically write my emails in a word document before I transfer them over. This give me an opportunity to view the email more than once and to really consider as to whether or not the send button should be pushed.

Hi Donald,

You are so right! Saying something is no different than typing it and pressing the send button.

Thanks!

Todd

I had a similar experience this week at work. I first was irritated and thought I would tell the perosn that irritated me what I really thought of his behavior. Then I sat down for one minute and thought it through and decided I was not going down that same old road again. I got hold of me, and approached him gently. I could have been even more pleasant, but I did ok for a first response. I like how I felt afterwards.

Sandra- That is awesome! You will always feel good about yourself when you use restraint and don't respond emotionally charged. Great job! Todd

Hi Todd,

Thank you for this post. A few years ago I taught at a school where I would receive weekly emails from a parent that were borderline verbally abusive. I would literally be on edge after receiving them and in fear of losing my job. Unfortunately the administration didn't do anything to stop it. A few times I wrote emails that I wrote in a haste and later regretted, but I eventually learned how to write polite emails back that addressed her concerns and were friendly. I felt much better about the emails I wrote later, and this post was a nice reminder for me on how to respond in such situations.

HI Daniel,

Thanks for sharing your story! Great example of learning from your mistakes and getting better!

Todd

Hello Todd,
Love the lesson, love the real world example. The takeaways prove that thinking first then responding is a positive action to take.

"It is always better to think first and respond than react in the moment with regret." – K.J. Kilroy Was Here!

“The main difference between responding and reacting is that there is no such thing as a nuclear responder.” – K.J. Kilroy Was Here!

“Self control is a good thing when you know that you can be a control freak.” – K.J. Kilroy Was Here!

I’ve had my share of incoming angry emails. I always try to keep an open mind and inject humor whenever possible.

“I have an open mind and I’d like to think that is why the wind has a tendency to whistle between my ears.” – K.J. Kilroy Was Here!

I learned long ago to never instigate negative correspondence even at the cost of complete truth…
“Question; Do you want to know the truth? Loud Crowd Replies NO!” - Monty Python

Good Communication Is Positive Communication,
Kevin J. Kilroy

HI Kevin,

I enjoyed your Monty Python quote. It is true most people don't want to know the truth. Isn't there a saying that says, "The Truth Hurts"?

Thanks!

Todd

I was grocery shopping yesterday when an angry women’s voice came over the P.A...."Paul when your are done with your break go out to the parking lot and bring in all the carts...Not just two like the last time you did it".

That was a hurtful truth that I as a customer did not want to hear!

That is crazy!

Knock Knock...Who's There?..Doughnut...Doughnut Who?..The Truth Hurts Doughnut!

Hi Todd,

This is a great lesson, ala Dale Carnegie way. I remembered last time when I used to work in project management field. I had to deal with lots of people.

Most of the times I sent terrible follow up emails to company's clients whom are late in their submission for our projects. Guess what? They became worst and some of them even drag their work passed the deadline and some of them did quit and it made my life difficult.

I wish to learn this lesson 2 years ago. That would be great ;)

Have a nice day!
Fazlee

Hi Fazlee,

Thanks for your contribution. Your comment brings up a whole new subject. When people feel they have lost your trust and confidence, they tend to withdraw from the relationship.

Thanks!

Todd

Thanks for all your great posts Todd. This one touches me because I actually work for a HOA. The way you showed to handle it is point on. When you send a negative email it puts you in a foul mood as well as the hoa employee who is then going to be grouchy with the rest of their clients that day. Kindness goes along way.

Hi Tuc,

Thanks for your comment. You bring up another good point. Negative communications have a ripple effect and don't just hurt the people directly involved in the communication. They also effect everyone those people are around.

Take care,

Todd

Thanks Todd. I am a new reader and really appreciate your wisdom. This was a very valuable reminder to me. I look forward to reading future and past lessons from you.

HI Desiree,

Welcome to my blog. I hope what you learn helps you become the best you can be.

I look forward to reading your comments in the future.

Todd

As always, you make great suggestions on how to handle things well in life in general. This requires a stepping back attitude, a willingness to "let it simmer on the back burner" for awhile and then choose how to respond in a way that creates a win-win for everyone involved. Hats off to you, my friend, for your wisdom and your willingness to share the same in an effort to help others. I so respect and admire you for this. And much more as well. I hope your 2011 is a great year, and hope we all have a much improved year over the last. I know I sure need that, and I am learning a lot of folks do. Blessings to you each and every day, Todd. All the best... Dave :-)

Dr. David A. Cook
118 Yost Farm Rd.
Salisbury, NC 28146

Hi Dave,

In reading everyone's comments, it appears the big take-a-way from this lesson was to "step back" and don't respond when you are upset.

Thanks for your kind words!

Todd

Todd, This is a wonderful post! Such great wisdom in what you say here. I would love to say I always respond the same way but, like you, I have that human nature that sometimes wants to scream back, but whenever I have diffused that with waiting and thinking it through and then responding in a similar way to the one you described, I've always felt better about myself.

Keep the posts coming. I thoroughly enjoy them.

Sincerely, Janan Bergen

Hi Janan,

Thanks for sharing your personal experience. I am glad you are enjoying my lessons.

Have a great weekend.

Todd

As always a great lesson. In today's world there is a lot of stress and as a society we seem to have the need to pass it along. Between stimulus and response is a space for us to pause and think. In this time, we get to choose our thoughts, attitudes and actions. We can as John Maxwell suggests, "THINK" for our change! I find is this hard to do and I often fail but when I do "pause for the cause" I get better results.

Bill-Great contribution! You are so right. Thanks! Todd

Thanks for a great reminder and transparency.

I have experienced the pain of the quick negative response versus taking the time to send a response that I would like to receive (golden rule may come in handy). I find I respond negatively when I in a rush. When I sense that tension in my body and negative thoughts, I try to delay the response until I can respond in a way I would like to be responded to. I am not perfect, but am getting better...one email at a time. :)

Blessings~

Hi Need Thee- Love your contribution! Thanks! Todd

Thanks for the great post! I've discovered that some people have trouble expressing themselves in writing and may come across as being gruff or insensitive - when they are really just trying to get some work done. My ex-business partner was that way, and it took me a while to learn that I was the one who needed to do the written communications for our business. She is actually a wonderful person and really didn't mean to insult or inflame anyone....she just couldn't send an email or make a Facebook post without sounding like she was mad (which she usually wasn't). It helps to put yourself in the other guy's shoes and try not to take things too personally...

Hi Linda- I am going through all these comments one at a time and they should be a post. What great comments. Thanks for sharing your insights. Todd

Thanks Todd, Excellent post. This same idea can be generalized to all decisions, and the example really makes it concrete. I struggle with this all of the time, responding out of emotion can have bad effects; doing it as a "modus operandi" can have disastrous effects on all relationships. I just started realizing it's not good to respond out of emotion, always take a moment to step back and reflect. It's critical for all of my relationships.

HI David- Thanks for your comment. It is a great lesson for us all to follow. Thanks! Todd

Hi Todd,
Good post today, I'm in the process of returning an automobile to a dealer to have some work they did looked at, I contacted the service manager and described our trip from NY to NC and back and how wonderful the car performed.
I then went on to describe a problem I had with the car that I believed might be related to the work they had done, he agreed to see the car without charge to discover how the damage had occurred. I'll check back with you on the outcome, I felt if I came across as a satisfied customer instead of being confrontational things may go in a more positive strain.

Hi Dhebert244,

Great strategy! Your decision did three things:

1. It kept you from getting upset, which almost always happens when you complain.

2. It kept the other person from getting upset, which made their day better.

3. It gave the other person the desire to help you.

Let me know the outcome!

Great strategy.

Todd

Have found this to be true on may occasions. Thanks for the potential ripple to our society...what if we all used this?!

Hi Lisa,

Thanks for your comment! If we would all treat people with more respect, we would all be happier.

Take care,

Todd

Upon repeated occurrence of negative emails from specific sources, I choose not to respond at all, and use the "block sender" function. If it is a business, the process is to find a different provider of that service, move my account, and make a point of telling them why they lost our business. If a friend has done that more than once, it's pretty clear that they aren't a real friend. (As you've written in blog posts regarding trust, and the people you choose to spend time with.) Life is too short to let someone else dump their garbage on your doorstep. There are millions of potential new friends in the world; I just haven't met them yet.

Hi Janelle,

You are right. Life is too short to let someone dump their garbage on your doorstep.

As for finding the right friends, ask yourself these two questions:

1, "Who do I need to become as a person to attract the kind of people I want into my life?"

2. "Am I the type of person I would want as my friend?"

These two questions are always good to consider.

Hope you are enjoying your weekend.

Todd

Isn't it ironic that the first story that you would have us share per my suggestion pertains to an issue I face at this moment. I recently received an email that I found disturbing. So much so that I have not yet been able to respond positively. Which is one of the first lessons we were taught, if you don't have something positive to say maybe nothing is better. Yet this person is a dear friend and deserves a response. Therefore, I will acknowledge his email and let him know I will respond when I can do so in a productive way.

Frankly, I don't know if it is ever a good idea to react negatively with an email. My experience is that it only escalates the problem. Addressing an issue personally and following up with an email clarifying an agreement I believe is a more productive approach and less likely to end in regret.

Hi Don,

Thanks for sharing your personal experience. I applaud how you have handled the situation.

1. You showed restraint and self-control.

2. You acknowledged the email, rather than ignoring it.

3. You wanted to wait until such time you can respond unemotionally.

Since it is a dear friend, I would suggest picking up the phone and calling him/her.

Great job!

Todd

Thank you for the wise words. I love the golden rule and this was an example of living it out. And in the end it was a win win situation.

Thanks Sara! It's always great to see your name. Todd

Hi Todd!

Wish I read this one a few months ago! I received an email from a co-worker who was obviously having a bad day and decided to take it out on me via email. When I got this email, I immediately slammed her back and hard! Only to regret it later. Things are fine now and we are able to laugh about it but it made things very uncomfortable for a while.

Thanks for all of your terrific information!!!

Joe

Hi Joe,

Thanks for your comment. I was laughing with a friend yesterday about all the lessons I post on this blog and how most of them I have learned from mistakes. The part I hate is when I have to learn the same lesson more than once. :-)

Have a great day!

Todd

Todd,

Of all your nuggets of wisdom I am not sure there is one more practical than today's post. Our lives are lived in constant interaction with others regardless of our vocation. Too often it turns negative because of a thoughtless comment or worse a miss-understood conversation. I cannot help but wonder how many broken relationships would be spared the heartache by simply following your words of wisdom.

One word or comment is like a tiny spark with the potential of putting an entire forrest at blaze. When we understand this we realize how we respond to that negative word is truly powerful and in some cases life changing. Our response, not the initial word is the pivotal event. We choose to to escalate the negative or we can extinguish the flame -- as you did Todd in your life example.

Keep the wisdom coming

Thanks Todd!

Bob Warren

Hi Bob,

Thanks for your contribution. You are so right. Words are powerful. Not only can negative words have long standing implications, so can positive words. I am on a cruise right now and someone came up and told me how something I said to him more than a year ago made such a positive difference in his life. It was something I said in passing and never gave it a second thought, but it impacted his life.

Appreciate you!

Todd