The Damaging Effects of Sarcasm
As I went about my normal routines the past few weeks, I listened closely for some attention-grabbing examples of sarcasm to include in today’s lesson. I was dismayed at the amount of sarcasm I heard.
When I began to intentionally evaluate the damaging effects of sarcasm, I was utterly shocked at how inappropriate, culturally offensive, and downright cruel most of the sarcastic, off-the-cuff remarks turned out to be. A few decades ago, they were called cut-lows—what a fitting label.
This experience only reinforced my belief that sarcasm doesn’t belong in our interactions with one another.
Sarcasm Hurts and Offends
Though it’s often camouflaged as humor, sarcasm is really just a convenient way for people to express hurt feelings, criticize others, or disapprove of some action without actually coming out and saying what’s on their minds.
Television sitcoms are loaded with sarcastic remarks and, of course, the viewers laugh at the embarrassment the recipient shows. Don’t be fooled that these are merely clever sayings from quick-witted individuals. Television writers think they are entertaining the audience, but they are really setting an example for viewers to follow. Our children grow up believing this is socially acceptable.
These sharp, cutting remarks are given with the intent to wound or embarrass. Sarcasm is hurtful to others. At the very least, it’s got tremendous potential to be misunderstood since there is always a ‘hidden message’ involved. I urge you to consider today whether it’s worth risking alienating another person in the interest of getting a laugh.
When you resort to sarcasm to get a point across in a disguised manner, it demonstrates a lack of conviction and courage to say what you really mean. Although an occasional sarcastic remark may seem harmless, remember that people judge your character every day by what you say as well as how you act. The collective result of those judgments is your reputation.
Break the Habit
My challenge to you is this, and I don’t extend it lightly: will you commit to eliminating sarcasm altogether, in all areas of your life? At home, with friends, at school, at work, and everywhere in between?
I won’t sugarcoat it; sarcastic speech is a very difficult habit to break once it has become a part of your communication style. And it’s especially tough if the people around you thrive on the temptation of ‘one-upping’ each other when it comes to sarcastic comments. The truth is sarcasm breeds sarcasm. It’s just that simple.
With that said, please don’t let this intimidate you or stop you from trying! Here are a few ideas to help you break free from the bad habit of sarcasm:
- Keep a mental or written list of the reactions and consequences you notice when those around you are the target of sarcasm. This awareness alone will be a powerful motivator to change your own behavior.
- Think before you speak. Considering how your words will be received is a very effective way to monitor your speech.
- Enlist a trusted friend or partner who is willing to enter a sarcasm-free zone with you. Agree that you will hold each other accountable when you hear the other person using sarcasm.
I hope you will seriously consider my challenge to you. You can do it, and your reputation will benefit greatly. What do you say?
Eliminating sarcasm may just be one of the most rewarding personal development steps you’ll ever take because it forces you to better express who you really are and what is important to you.
Be Open to the Ideas of Others
Today, we will be exploring the hidden value in the opinions of others, and I urge you to be open-minded and receptive as you read this blog. This is capable of affecting your potential for better on a number of different levels.
Opinion can be defined as a thought, a view, or a concept formed in the mind about a particular subject. It’s a conclusion or belief held with confidence but not substantiated by positive proof or knowledge. Because of this, many people are fearful of accepting someone else’s opinion. Elizabeth Cady Stanton—an activist and leader of the early women’s rights movement— said, “The moment we begin to fear the opinion of others…the divine floods of light and life no longer flow into our souls.”
Three Categories of Thinkers
Over the years, I have found that when it comes to being receptive to ideas and perspectives other than their own, most people gravitate toward one of these tendencies:
- A need for the opinions of others. These individuals have not yet learned to value their own ideas and viewpoints. They are especially vulnerable to being swayed by others. When asked, they have a hard time expressing their own beliefs and convictions.
- A rejection of the opinions of others. People in this category are generally high achievers who have worked very hard to get where they are in life. For some, they view not having all the answers as a weakness, and their ego guards against this by rejecting the ideas of others. For others, their egos are so big, they think they know it all and just aren’t open to the ideas of others. If they do listen, they place little value on what’s being said.
- An interest in the opinions of others. Striking a balance between those who rely too heavily on the ideas of others and those who reject the opinions of others, these individuals welcome collaboration and actively seek it out. They understand the benefits of the wisdom that comes from the life experiences of others. These people would participate well in any type of team.
What’s important to realize is that whatever your natural tendency may be, it is possible to learn to appreciate the ideas of others. When you do, you’ll find that your ability to envision and implement new ideas will flourish and you’ll build stronger relationships in the process. Let’s take a look at how this works.
Be Willing
Changing the way you prefer to do something is always hard. At first, anything new may feel unnatural or artificial, and you may be anxious to see the results. Therefore, the first steps in learning to appreciate the ideas of others are believing that others can contribute something worthwhile, listening intentionally to them, and perhaps even changing your way of thinking. Knowing that the rewards will benefit you should help keep you motivated.
Be Patient
Letting others influence your plans and thought process with their ideas isn’t something that happens all at once. One way to begin is to identify one specific decision or project on which you will seek and consider some outside opinions. As you do, be aware of your natural defenses and give some thought as to how you will respond.
For example, what will you do if someone else’s idea requires you to reconsider a core element of your plan, such as a key marketing strategy? One suggestion is to ask questions to understand their intentions and learn as much as you can about the new idea. Do this until you have all the information you need for full consideration.
Be Receptive
Listening to others or reading about the opinions of others can be a valuable tool, aiding in your research, adding to your knowledge, and enriching your life and performance.
Elbert Hubbard—an American philosopher, voluminous writer, and publisher of the 19th century—gives us a good reason why we should be receptive to the opinions of others. He wrote, “The recipe for perpetual ignorance is: be satisfied with your opinions and content with your knowledge.”
Be Respectful
Respecting the views and opinions of others is a vital life skill. Realize that their opinions have been formed by their experiences different than your own. Never tell someone that he or she is wrong. Bo Bennett says that doing that is “effective communication suicide.”
Be Reflective
On the heels of having been intentional about considering the ideas of others, take some time to consciously reflect on the process. What worked well? What would you change next time? Perhaps most importantly, what did you learn? Don’t limit your definition of new knowledge to what is tangible. Consider too what you learn along the way about yourself and the people with whom you interact.
If you find that you have a tendency to reject others’ ideas or you do not take the time to listen because you are always too busy, now is a perfect time to make a decision to be more receptive. Trust me when I say, “It’s well worth the effort!”
Taking the time to listen to and understand others’ ideas is not only a desirable character trait that reflects positively on you, but it also enables you to learn new things and expands your capacity to think creatively.
Loving People the Way They Need to Be Loved
Author: Joy Smith (Todd’s wife)
One of the biggest “little things” we can do to make a difference in every relationship in our lives is to identify the way the people around us need to be loved. When we love people the way they need to be loved, it draws them closer to us and us to them.
The premise of Dr. Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages is that we all have a “love tank” that needs to be filled every day. We all have primary love languages, ways in which we prefer to be loved, or ways that communicate love and affection most effectively.
Five Basic Ways to Communicate Love
Dr. Chapman gives us five basic ways to communicate love. I am sure there are more but let’s stick with the five, and here they are:
1. Words of Affirmation
If this is your primary love language, the way you receive love that speaks the loudest (no pun intended), then the sincere words “I love you” mean a lot. If you receive a note from someone—a thank-you or words of encouragement, praise or appreciation—this will have a bigger impact on you than if someone tried to express love in one of the other ways.
2. Quality Time
Nothing speaks love to you more than one-on-one, undivided attention. Just being together says that you are loved and appreciated by this person more than any other action ever could.
3. Gifts
Ah-h-h! I love this one. Yes, this is one of my primary ways to receive love. I don’t expect you to spend a lot of money; it really is the thought that counts here. Knowing that someone went out of his or her way to pick something up for me, speaks louder than any of the other basic ways to communicate love.
4. Acts of Service
This is one of my primary ways of expressing love. This can be big or small acts of service—washing someone’s car, preparing a meal when a friend is sick, painting a room together, or helping someone with the moving process. Whether big or small, you can show people you love them by serving them.
5. Physical Touch
This could be a pat on the back or a hug. This is an effective way to communicate that you really care for people of every age: especially babies, children, and the elderly who seem to crave this closeness. Even in the work place an appropriate touch for the person whose primary love language is touch will go a long way.
Identifying My Husband’s Language
Early on in my marriage, I would show my husband I loved him by serving him, doing his laundry, cooking and cleaning. We both worked at outside jobs and I believed that one way I could show him how much I loved him was by serving him.
Now, that was great and all those things needed to be done, but that was not his primary love language. Therefore, that did not show him I loved him in the ways he needed to be loved. My husband’s love languages are physical touch and words of affirmation.
Generally speaking you tend to love others in the way you want to be loved, in YOUR primary love language. It can be a challenge to love others the way they need to be loved and not by what comes natural to you.
Identifying Needs of Others
If you have a co-worker, boss, or employee whose primary love language you have identified as words of affirmation, be intentional about telling them what a good job they are doing, or how nice they look, or how they have improved in their position. I guarantee that this will improve your working relationships.
If they prefer quality time, why not ask them out for lunch or coffee and give them your undivided attention.
Identifying Family Needs
If you take the love languages into your home and love your spouse, children and grandchildren the way they prefer to be loved, you will surely improve each of these relationships. Home will become a desired haven, a place of security and peace. If you are unsure as to the love languages of those around, review this list with them and ask which ways are the most meaningful to them.
By identifying the primary love languages in our relationships, both personally and professionally, we can do the “little things” to make a difference.
About the Author: Joy Smith is the wife of Todd Smith the founder of Little Things Matter.
The Power of Personal Initiative
Think of something you want to achieve that is really important to you. (Don’t continue without selecting one of your top goals.)
Now imagine having achieved it. You’re basking in the satisfaction of a job well done. What does it look like? What does it smell like? What does it taste like? What does it feel like? How do you feel?
The ONLY way in which you will experience the joy, beauty, and fulfillment that will come by achieving this goal is if you use your personal initiative. It won’t happen without it.
What is Personal Initiative?
Dwight Turner, a newspaper columnist, defines it this way: “Initiative is a force of personal energy that arises from deep within and flows forth into positive, goal-oriented action.”
Your personal initiative is your inner power that starts all action. It is the enemy of procrastination. It’s the spark that initiates your productive actions. Without personal initiative, you cannot be successful.
How Does One Achieve Success?
Napoleon Hill talked about personal initiative at length in his 9th principle of success. He said, “Success is something you must achieve without someone telling you what to do or why you should do it.”
Success comes to those who are proactive. Instead of drifting through life doing only what is required, successful people do the extra things that bring more meaning to life.
No one told Fred Smith to start FedEx; he started it using his own personal initiative. No one told Sergey Brin and Larry Page why they should start Google; they did it using their own personal initiative. No one pushed me every day to do the things that were required of me to achieve my goals; it was the consistent use of my personal initiative that allowed me to achieve them.
No matter what your goal is—becoming a remarkable mom, an honor student, an outstanding athlete, a top-producing salesperson, or the owner of your own business—if you are going to be successful, you must use your personal initiative to do the little things required of you to succeed. Sorry, but it won’t happen any other way.
Why Do Little Things Matter?
Personal initiative is more than a fundamental requirement to achieving your goals, it’s also about doing the little things that make your life and the lives of others, both at work and at home, more enjoyable.
It’s doing the simple things like picking up your dirty clothes, cleaning the dirty windows, or emptying the overflowing trash can. It’s taking three minutes to clean the coffee mugs in the sink at the office. It’s taking time to express your genuine gratitude to someone who did something for you. It’s offering to help a friend in need.
In a sense, your personal initiative is noticing and being aware of the things that need to be done without being asked.
One of my fundamental beliefs is that the only way you will have personal initiative to do big things is by first using it to do the little things. Every big success is made up of a great number of little successes, each of which requires personal initiative and many of which are so small and insignificant that only you notice, but they all add up.
What Are the Hidden Benefits?
Using one’s personal initiative has more benefits than meets the eye.
1. People who use their personal initiative are more respected and have greater influence.
2. No other method for building one’s self-esteem is more effective than using your personal initiative to do the little things that make you a better person.
3. People who consistently use their personal initiative to advance their careers are those who are at the top of the pay scale in their profession.
4. You will have the edge at everything you do because you will stand out as a person worthy of being noticed.
Why Wait to Use Your Personal Initiative?
I am not sure of the reason, but I see fewer people using their personal initiative to advance their lives forward than at any time in my life. It’s like everyone is sitting in a holding pattern waiting for something to change.
This is your opportunity to step up your game and distinguish yourself from the growing number of apathetic people. This is your chance to use your unique talent, skill, and ability to achieve the things that are important to you. Don’t let the lethargic environment around you keep you from stretching yourself to be your very best.
I want to challenge you to start doing the little things that require personal initiative. As you build your confidence in doing the little things, then start stretching yourself to do the bigger things. Continue this process and allow each success to build on the prior one.
David Mahoney said, “There comes a time when you need to stop revving up the car and put it in gear.” Now is the time to put your life in gear and go conquer your dreams.
“Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.” -William Jennings Bryan
Don’t Steal the Show
Does it bother you when someone thoughtlessly cuts you off in traffic? How about when you’ve been waiting in an endlessly busy line and someone waltzes right in and slips ahead near the front?
When these things happen to me, I usually end up thinking something along the lines of, “Hey buddy, I’m just as busy as you!” or “Oh really, you think you’re more important than the rest of us?”
Sure, these responses may sound a bit silly after the fact, but we all have similar reactions when someone barges in and unfairly imposes their agenda on us.
Resist the Impulse to Interrupt
It’s no different when it comes to communication. When someone we’re listening to is sharing something that’s important to them, we need to resist stealing their show. In other words, don’t interrupt, don’t cut them off, and don’t take over the conversation by sharing your good news or similar experience in an attempt to relate to whatever the person is talking about.
For example, if a friend has just returned from a vacation to Hawaii and he’s excited to tell you about his vacation and kayaking adventure with his son, it’s not appropriate for you to steal his show and describe your recent trip to Bermuda. Let him enjoy the moment and fully express his experience. He’ll appreciate you as a friend for doing so.
Likewise, if someone you know is going through a difficult time and they are sharing their grief with you, there’s no need to steal their show and interject how you felt when you experienced something similar. Simply allow the person to communicate their feelings. Listening quietly is actually the best way to show you care about the person and what they’re going through.
The reason it’s so important to resist the urge to steal the show is because it selfishly takes the focus away from them and puts it on us. I don’t think it’s anyone’s specific intent to be a show-stealer, but I hear it in almost every group conversation I overhear.
Relate to the Person, Not the Moment
Showing empathy (sharing the emotions and feelings of another) is one of the ways we relate to other people, and it’s a good thing. In fact, most of us have learned through experience that it’s one of the best ways to build strong relationships. Nevertheless, it’s important to choose the right way for showing empathy.
First, it’s important to distinguish between relating to a person and relating to a moment. Be sure your efforts are aimed at relating to the individual and not a particular experience they have chosen to share with you.
Give the Gift of Listening
Listening is a priceless gift that you can give to the people in your life every single day. When you are a good listener, people are drawn to you and it does wonders to strengthen your relationship with them.
Are you willing to give of yourself by committing to never again stealing someone else’s show? If you are, here are my suggestions:
- Listen to the conversations going on around you to hear what show-stealing sounds like. You will be amazed at how common it really is!
- Pay specific attention to the person whose joy or experience is being robbed. Notice the facial expression, body language, and overall demeanor. I am sure my face shows it because this is one of the rare things that bugs me.
- Focus on listening more and talking less. I have never met a successful businessperson who couldn’t control his or her tongue. Learn how to be an active listener without stealing the show. An occasional, sincere response along the lines of “Wow, that is amazing” or “I’m so sorry you’re going through this” will be welcomed.
Finally, the next time you’re listening to someone share an experience and you are preparing to speak, ask yourself, “Am I about to steal the show?” If you are, use your self-control and resist the temptation. When the conversation has concluded and you successfully withheld your comment or story, take five seconds to recognize yourself for doing the right thing.
“To listen well is as powerful a means of influence as to talk well, and is as essential to all true conversation.” —Chinese proverb
Renee Stewart Chittick, a member of the Little Things Matter Facebook community, inspired today’s post.
Five Steps to Constructive Feedback
Think of the last time you saw a young toddler taking his or her first steps. Most likely, Mom or Dad was standing right there, ready to help. When she tripped or leaned a little too heavily to one side, she was gently steadied and put back on course for the next step.
Believe it or not, constructive feedback involves much the same process of careful, consistent course correction. While the benefits of receiving constructive feedback are rather well known—improved performance, a shorter learning curve, and personal growth—the benefits of giving good constructive feedback are not as widely recognized.
Specifically, when you show someone that you care by taking the time to give constructive and supportive feedback, it’s natural for them to care more about you as well as take a greater interest in your relationship.
Keep in mind that although constructive feedback is most often associated with parenting and job performance, other situations such as business-to-business interactions, mentor/mentee relationships, and personal friendships can benefit as well.
In yesterday’s post, you learned that praise should always be given in public and criticism in private. Today, as we look at the proper ways to give constructive feedback, you will see the importance of following that advice.
The R.I.G.H.T. Way to Give Feedback
A helpful way to remember the essentials of good feedback is to remember five specific letters: R.I.G.H.T. Let’s take a look at what each letter stands for.
1. Respectful. Showing respect for the other person is a fundamental principle for delivering any type of message, but it’s especially important when it comes to giving feedback. If people believe you don’t respect them, they probably wouldn’t listen to what you have to say.
One way to show respect is to ask permission to provide feedback. One of the questions I always ask those I coach or employ is, “If I see ways in which you can improve your performance, what would you like me to do?” In 100% of the cases, they’ve said, “I would like you to tell me.”
When I see things important enough that need correction, I begin by saying, “Maria, you told me you wanted me to tell you when I noticed things that you could do to improve your performance.” Then, in a respectful way, I share with her how she can improve her results and enhance her market value.
As the relationships deepen and people begin to value my feedback, I just give my feedback in a caring manner without tiptoeing around. They know I want the best for them, so they are always open to hearing the little things they can do to improve.
If you have not asked for permission in advance, you could say “Would you be open to hearing some feedback on your report?” Asking permission won’t take much time and goes a long way to communicate your respect for the other person’s time and efforts.
2. Issue-specific. The key point here is to keep your feedback message centered on the performance or issue that needs to be corrected—not the person or personality. It’s very easy for an individual who is receiving feedback to become defensive, so do your best to stay focused on the specific performance aspect that needs to be improved.
3. Goal oriented. Remember, the objective of constructive feedback is to improve performance. By including a discussion of goals in your feedback, you provide something practical and constructive to focus on. In working with entrepreneurs who are building their businesses, I remind them of their goals and help them see how they will be more likely to achieve them if they make the refinement I am suggesting.
If you are in management, the goals could include those of the company, department, team, or project. You could also remind your people that when they do the little things to get better, they are increasing their value to the company and to the marketplace.
4. Helpful. When giving feedback, you are in a position to help someone become better in some way. As much as possible, ensure a helpful tone and show your support by recognizing the person’s efforts. If you are always pointing out the good things people do and encouraging them, they will be more open to hearing your constructive feedback.
5. Timely. Feedback is most valuable when it is delivered as soon as possible, while the event or performance issue is fresh in everyone’s mind. Business and life move at a pace that seems to always be increasing. In order for your feedback to have a real impact, it needs to be fresh and relevant.
Bonus Tip: Ask questions such as, “How do you feel you did on this project?” or “How do you think you could have performed at a higher level?”
Oftentimes, when people analyze their own actions, they will see the things they need to do to improve. Self-discovery is a great practice for people to engage in. I have always found that results are better if people discover what they need to do, rather than for me to tell them.
Lastly, let me suggest that when giving any type of feedback that could hurt someone’s feelings, be sure to include some positive statements. Your goal is to help them, not hurt them.
Giving constructive feedback is a skill that managers and leaders practice and work hard to perfect. I hope you’ll see the importance of these key principles and feel confident that you can deliver better feedback the next time you are presented with the privilege to do so.
Will you do a favor for all of us as part of the Little Things Matter community? Will you take the time to share any tips that have helped you when giving people feedback? I am sure we can all learn from your experience.
Taking the time to give constructive feedback with respect will help others be the best that they can be.
Praise or Criticize? When and Where?
Can you recall a time when you were reprimanded, criticized, or put down in front of someone else? If so, you know that it’s quite humiliating to be on the receiving end of public criticism.
“Praise in public and criticize in private” is a golden rule of business and social etiquette. Yet, this wise communication advice often goes unheeded. Even though most of us agree with this rule on the surface, it isn’t always easy to make sure we’re not the ones doing the public criticizing.
Today’s message is about how best to handle disputes, problems, and constructive feedback privately and why this benefits you.
The Right Approach
Let’s first take a look at the best way to handle a situation where you find it necessary to confront someone or provide feedback. The decision between a public or private conversation should always be made with the receiver in mind. If what you have to say could be perceived by anyone listening as reflecting negatively on the other person, their work, or their reputation, your conversation should be private.
The Right Time
Next, decide when and where to deliver your message. For example, do the circumstances call for a formal meeting, or would a few minutes simply out of earshot from others accomplish it? Similarly, if the situation is complex, it’s not a good idea to plan your conversation right before a major meeting or as you and the other party are walking out the door. You want to make sure you have adequate time to discuss the subject without feeling rushed.
The Follow-up
After you have provided any constructive feedback or sensitive communication, make a point to follow up with the person soon after to ensure that the relationship is intact. With little effort, you’ll be able to pick up if the other person is harboring ill feelings or has been hurt by your conversation. If they are colder than normal or avoiding you, the sooner you reach out to them, the better. Make a point of ensuring that your next interaction with the person is a positive one.
Benefits to You
Handling disputes and feedback privately shows respect for others and is the right thing to do. Here are three reasons to make the right choice the next time you’re faced with deciding between a public or private conversation to deliver anything less than praise:
1. You will command greater respect. The days of using fear to command respect are long gone. When you show others that you are in control of your thoughts and emotions and are capable of rising above the norm, you stand out as someone worthy of respect.
2. You will be viewed as more likable. Do you prefer to be around people who are kind and thoughtful, or critical and fault-finding? Most people prefer the former!
3. You will benefit from a more positive reputation. How you speak to and about other individuals is a direct reflection on you. When the words others hear coming from you are positive, uplifting remarks, they associate those remarks with you. When you are judgmental, negative, or sarcastic, they attribute those negative remarks to your personality. Because of this, I often go out of my way to make sure others hear my genuine praise of others when it is deserved.
When you give praise in public, make sure it is deserved. Praising someone publically who is undeserving will almost certainly undermine your credibility with everyone else in the group.
When you deliver praise in public and criticize in private, others will respect you, and your influence as a person and leader will grow.
The Power of the Word “Please”
Let’s face it: most of us rely on the help and assistance of others throughout our day—at work, at home, and out in the community. Sometimes we may not even realize how much we’re relying on others to accomplish what we need to get done. Every great leader will tell you that you can’t rise to the top without the help of others.
Saying please to everyone when asking for anything—regardless of whether or not it’s a person’s job or responsibility to help you—is a principle so important that I’m devoting today’s lesson to helping you tap into the “power of please.”
Effects of the “Magic Word”
At the most basic level, when we use the word please, it shows respect and consideration for the effort another person puts forth to help us. Including please with your request is not only a social norm, but, if communicated with a genuine sense of appreciation, it’s a powerful way to establish rapport, build relationships, and develop your own character.
When we say please, people are more willing to fulfill our requests or provide the help we need. As the adage goes, “You have to give respect to get respect.” When you are polite and say please, people are more likely to respect you in return. And, without a doubt, your consistent use of please (with everyone, all the time) is a little thing that will most definitely help you stand out in a crowd of busy people who are mindful only of their own time schedules and to-do lists.
Subconscious or Intentional
Even for those of us who pride ourselves on impeccable manners and almost always say please, it bears noting that how we say it really does matter. When I say “subconscious please,” I’m referring to the requests we put on autopilot. For example:
- Please move so I can get a fork.
- Will you please tell me why this couldn’t wait until tomorrow?
- Please stop that tapping! I can’t think!
Technically, these common messages include the word please, but let’s take a look at how they differ from these similar requests.
- Would you mind handing me a fork, please?
- Could we please discuss this tomorrow, John, after I’ve had a chance to catch up?
- Will you please do me a favor? I’m having a really tough time concentrating right now. A few minutes of quiet would be a great help.
As you read them, I’m sure you noted that the second set of messages is more pleasant and courteous—intentionally so. If you were on the receiving end of these requests, which would you likely be more agreeable to comply with: the subconscious or the intentional?
My challenge to you today is this: never allow yourself to ask someone to do something for you without saying please. As you become more intentional about saying please, be conscious of how you say it. Does it sound like you mean it?
The key to every successful relationship is putting the other person’s needs ahead of your own. You can take a step towards stronger relationships every day with one simple, yet powerful word: please.
Connecting With Family
Author: Don Smith (Todd’s father)
On this Father’s Day weekend, I am reminiscing about my family and the connectedness I am enjoying today. I am remembering past events that have contributed to my philosophy about what it takes to have a connected family.
From my experience, I define connectedness as that place in any relationship where two people meet, find safety and respect in openness, know differences will not divide, and are valued and bound together by love and the freedom to be authentically one’s self.
Influencing Generations Through Our Choices
For the last 13 years, I have been engaged in researching our family’s genealogy with my now 95-year-old brother. It has been an informative and rewarding pursuit providing me with an enriched perspective on life and one’s contribution to future generations.
From my genealogical research dating back to the 1500s, I have concluded that not much, if anything, will be remembered about us personally beyond the third generation. But, our profound choices can and probably will have a “ripple” effect on generations to come. To illustrate, one line of ancestors chose to come to America on the Mayflower. Another chose to join in the fight for independence in the American Revolution, while another chose to remain loyal to the British Crown and moved to Nova Scotia. Choices, choices, choices! They have certainly impacted generations to follow. And I realize that my choices today could also have an impact on my descendants.
Learning From Relationships
When I was only 16 years old, my father died suddenly at age 66. I knew him as a quiet, honorable, and respected man. He indeed was a man of fine character, but we never “connected.” That relationship greatly influenced my intentions as a father. So I aspired to be like him—a man of integrity; but I also choose to be a father of intentional connectedness. I have four children and fourteen grandchildren. My relationship with each one is special, unique, and greatly treasured. I experience rewarding connectedness with each one.
Passing the Baton
Something else I am remembering this Father’s Day is the relay race at track and field events. While in high school, I was a member of a relay team that competed in the two-mile relay. I was in the second position on the team for each event. I remember how much emphasis and importance our coach placed on the “handoff” of the baton. Actually, the race could be won or lost depending on how well the first three relay members passed on the baton.
I have drawn an analogy from that experience, reminding myself of the grave importance of passing on life’s baton to my children and grandchildren. For me, two special concerns remain:
1) What am I passing on?
2) How well am I making the “handoff?”
Reaping a Grand Reward
Finally, I have come to realize there is a “gift exchange” between generations. The exchange begins with parents and grandparents who love, listen, and recognize with respect each child’s natural preferences and affirm his or her potential. Eventually, the gifts of honor and gratitude will return from the children for years to come. That has been my cherished experience.
Are we a perfect family? By no means! But, we are on a journey together where faith, hope, and love are the atmospherics we breathe. We believe in one another, we desire and expect good things from one another, and we love and forgive one another. Is that always easy? Not at all! But it’s more than worth it.
For me, being the father and grandfather in our family is one wonderfully rewarding journey. I salute my children and grandchildren for who they are and are becoming.
I challenge you to resist trying to control others; accept each person for who they are. Engage in genuine listening and understanding. Be consistent in respect for one another. It almost always makes for treasured connectedness.
I certainly agree with Jack Baker (actor and author) who said, “Every dad, if he takes time out of his busy life to reflect upon his fatherhood, can learn ways to become an even better dad.”
25 Unexpected Ways to Make Someone’s Day
Do you remember the last time you received an unexpected call, text, or email from someone who intentionally said something complimentary to you? How did it make you feel? Did it brighten your mood? Did it bring a smile to your face? What impression did this person make on you?
When I consider the different types of impressions we make on people, there are very few more powerful than when you do something unexpectedly to show people they are important to you. It could be a simple text message telling a friend how much you value the friendship or a short email to a co-worker complimenting him or her on the way he or she handled a difficult situation at the office today.
Results of Kind Words
When you take your time to surprise people with acts of kindness or love, you will make them feel noticed, valued, and appreciated. You will bring a smile to their faces and joy to their hearts. It will enhance their self-esteem and strengthen their self-confidence. It will renew their energy and put a bounce in their step. It will draw them closer to you and you to them and create an extraordinary bond in your relationship. You will benefit also because there is joy in unselfish acts when you give of yourself your time and your resources.
Ideas to Inspire You to Action
Here are 25 unexpected things you can do to show people they are special in your eyes:
1. Do your children’s chores for the day.
2. Drop a handwritten card in the mail to give someone an encouraging word.
3. Give your spouse or significant other a gift on your next date night.
4. Shovel snow for an older couple down the street.
5. Call a friend going through a difficult period to show your support.
6. Send a client something special that made you think of him or her.
7. Send a gift basket or bouquet of flowers to the hotel room of a friend who is on a long road trip.
8. Invite a friend to dinner and plan an evening with his/her interest in mind.
9. If you are a parent, plan a special day with your kids but don’t tell them.
10. Offer to take a co-worker (who is not close to you) to lunch and buy it.
11. Plan a company or department meeting, surprising everyone with a party to show your appreciation for their hard work.
12. Pay the toll for the person following you and tell the gate attendant to communicate your brief message.
13. Stop by the hospital to visit a friend.
14. Cut the grass for a neighbor who is overwhelmed at work.
15. Take dinner over to a family suffering from financial hardship.
16. Stay late and help a co-worker finish an important project.
17. Call and invite an old friend to have coffee or tea.
18. Buy your friend sitting at another table in the restaurant a drink or dessert.
19. Go to the funeral of your friend or co-worker who has lost a loved one.
20. Look someone in the eye and share how proud you are of him or her.
21. Express appreciation for ordinary and routine tasks done well.
22. Praise someone for evidence portrayed by inner qualities—patience, fairness, integrity, gentleness, and cooperation.
23. Say an encouraging word to your boss, teacher, coach, pastor, or priest. Leaders are lonely.
24. Offer to run an errand for an overworked friend.
25. Thank the people who serve you—waitperson, janitor, receptionist.
These are just a few of the many little things we can do to brighten someone’s day and create a unique connection. Not only will these acts make the person feel good, but they will make you feel good, too.
Act Now
I want to challenge you to look for situations where you can show your interest in others by doing something unanticipated. When you think of something, do it without hesitation and make someone’s day.
I also want to encourage you to start this practice this very minute. Who do you love that you have not communicated with recently? Call, email, or text and let them know you love them. Will you do it? Will you do it now? Please come back and tell me below about your experience.
Every time you show a genuine interest in the lives of others by committing an unexpected act of kindness, you are telling them that who they are and what they do is significant.
Today’s post was inspired by Karen Trim, a member of the Little Things Matter Facebook community.
What Is Easy to Do Is Easy Not to Do
Today’s post is one of the foundational pillars for Little Things Matter. Of the more than a thousand comments left below my web posts, on both this blog and on Facebook, it is clear that most people know the simple, easy little things they need to do; they just don’t do them with consistency. As my mentor, Jim Rohn, said, “What is easy to do is easy not to do.”
Know it—Do it
We know we should listen without interrupting, but we still find ourselves interrupting. We know we need to finish our projects on time, yet we find ourselves missing deadlines. We know we should remember someone’s name, yet we don’t pay attention and forget. We know we should answer that email or return that phone call, yet we keep putting it off.
The reason this lesson is one of the foundational pillars for Little Things Matter is that any big success is made up of little successes. As Coach John Wooden said, “Little things make big things happen.”
If you are going to be successful at anything personally or professionally, it will result from doing the little things that, for the most part, are easy to do but also easy to neglect.
Be Consistent
Not only is it necessary to use your personal initiative to do the little things that are easy to do, the key is doing them consistently. Most people do push themselves to do something for a short time, but very few people will do the things they should do over an extended period of time.
Being consistent in doing the little things you know you should do has many positive results beyond the obvious desired outcome of achieving your goals. You will become more respected and admired. You will develop new friendships and build deeper relationships with people in both your personal life and professional life. You will feel better about yourself and the person you are becoming.
So, why don’t we do the little things that are easy to do? The reason is that they are so-o-o-o easy not to do—to neglect, to procrastinate, to promise ourselves that we will do it tomorrow.
Another reason could be the fact that when the little things are looked at individually, we don’t value their importance. Napoleon Hill said, “A big success is made up of a great number of little circumstances, each of which may seem so small and insignificant, most people pass them by as not being worthy of notice.”
Fight the Cause
What’s the reason you aren’t consistent in doing the little things you know you should do? Think about it.
When I was interviewed on Mixergy, a blog for aspiring entrepreneurs, I was asked what the number-one obstacle was that I had to overcome in order to achieve my goals. My answer was laziness. I know the little things I need to do and I understand their importance. For me, I have to fight laziness and PUSH myself to do the little things I know I need to do.
Become a Disciplined Person
The fact that you are reading this blog post tells me that you want to achieve more in life. If you are going to be successful at achieving your goals, you must become a disciplined person. You must become a person who will do the little things that are easy to do and easy not to do.
I also want to point out that I don’t believe there is any distinction between who you are in your personal life and who you are in your professional life. If your bedroom is a mess, then your car is probably a mess. If you don’t have the discipline to clean your home and car, you will likely struggle to have the discipline to do the little things required of you to achieve your goals. You can’t be one person at home and a different person at work. You are who you are!
If you want to achieve more in your life, if you want to grow as a person and achieve your personal best, then you MUST become a person who does the little things that are both easy to do and easy not to do. This will likely be the greatest challenge you will ever take on, but if you will commit to this challenge and use your personal initiative to do the things you know you should do with consistency, your life can be transformed.
One of the most important keys to success is having the discipline to do what you know you should do even when you don’t feel like doing it.
Becoming the Best at What You Do
Imagine if you were the best at what you do. If you were the best at what you do, how would your life change? How would the lives of others be impacted? How would you feel about yourself? Would you have more control of your life? Would you feel a greater sense of satisfaction?
Want the Best
The fact is, you can be the best at whatever you do, and getting there doesn’t require a degree in rocket science. It does, however, require that becoming the best at what you do is important to you.
As I pointed out in Was Napoleon Hill Wrong?, success does not begin with desire. I have seen thousands of people who claim to have the desire to achieve something, yet they won’t do what is required to succeed. Success begins by identifying the things that are important to you. If achieving something is not important, you won’t do what is required to succeed.
The strategy I will describe in this lesson is something I apply to everything I do. I have been using it for so long and have seen its results proven 100% of the time that it now is a part of my everyday thought process.
Identify the Little Things You Should Do
If you want to get better at what you do—whether you are a full-time mom, an avid golfer, or the CEO of a Fortune 500 company—you must first identify the little things that, if done correctly, will allow you to perform at a higher level.
A couple of years ago, I took golf lessons at IMG Golf Academy. This is one of the highest-ranked golf schools in the country, producing some of the world’s greatest golfers. In each of my lessons, my instructor videotaped my swings, recording everything from driving the ball off the tee to putting it on the green.
During each lesson, we sat down and watched these videos and compared my swing to the world’s top-ranked golfers. We looked at every intricate detail of my golf swing and talked about the refinements I needed to work on. Week after week, we compared my swings to the previous week’s swings. This served as a measurement, allowing me to see the progress I was making.
In addition, we compared my swings to the pros so I could see the tweaks I needed to make to take my game to the next level.
This way of thinking is not just limited to the golfing world. It is what all the world’s greatest athletes do. With all the advancements in technology, it is no longer a mystery as to how to be great at any sport.
Applying this same way of thinking, I have been able to identify the little things required to be my best at whatever it is that is important to me.
Master the Fundamentals
Just as professional athletes master the fundamentals of their sports, so do the world’s top performers in everything, from music to business. The people who are the best of the best—the top 1% of 1%—are simply those who worked the hardest at mastering the littlest of things.
As a Realtor, I focused on mastering the little things required to be a successful Realtor. Day after day, week after week, and year after year, I continued to refine everything I did, from the scripts I used when making cold calls to the time of day I called. After four years of making DAILY refinements, I had so perfected my craft that I reached the top 1% of 1% or 1/100 of 1% of all the Realtors in the nation.
I then applied this same way of thinking to my career in direct sales and once again reached the top 1% of 1% of all the people who start a direct sales business.
Now that I am applying myself to my daily blog posts and podcasts, you can bet that I will continue to refine the little things that will allow me to achieve my personal best.
Follow Three Steps
Here’s the bottom line: if you want to be great at something that is important to you, then you must do three things.
1. Break down the things you need to do into the smallest of components.
2. Master each component individually.
3. Measure your progress.
What is it that is important to you? If you want to be a great mom, discover the little things that great moms do, and then work on those things each day. If you want to reach the top of your career, then identify the little things the top performers in your field do and then strive to master them.
As you strive for excellence to do your best, make sure you are measuring your progress. You can’t improve what you don’t measure. As you see yourself making progress, Become Your Greatest Fan and be sure to recognize yourself for even the smallest accomplishment.
To be the best at what you do, you must push and stretch yourself to do what others are unwilling to do. The best of the best are the best for a reason.
Enjoy Life’s Journey
As I anxiously waited for the funeral service to begin, a little girl sitting behind me complained to her mother. “I can’t see!” she said with a bit of a whine. Her mother assured her, “There is nothing to see, sweetie.” This couldn’t have been farther from the truth. The funeral was for my daughter-in-law’s grandfather, a man that, despite health challenges and other setbacks, had garnered respect and admiration throughout his life.
What was there to see? From my perspective, plenty! The rows were filled with friends, acquaintances, and family members who wanted to pay their respects to a man who understood the joy of living. The French call it joie de vivre – the joy of living. The Italians say nienta sense gioia – nothing without joy. For the Greeks, it’s kefi – the spirit of joy, passion, and enthusiasm. A lesson for us all: whatever you’re doing, enjoy the journey.
The popular quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson, “Life is a journey, not a destination,” can be found on posters, bumper stickers, and the like and has been paraphrased and used to motivate a sales force. As is the case with any overused expression or phrase, we tend to overlook its significance and dismiss the message entirely.
Thank goodness for funerals then to remind us that life is a journey. It will throw you some curves and you’ll have some detours along the way, but God intended for us to enjoy life to the fullest extent possible.
When I ponder my life and my consistent commitment to achieving my goals, I often felt like I was running a race rather than enjoying the ride. Reflecting on the funeral and how life can be fleeting, I am making a list of things to help me enjoy the balance of my journey. I would encourage you to do the same. Here are some ideas to consider:
- I will make sure to have fun. I will smile. I will laugh. I will tell jokes. I will go fishing more often. I will beat my family in tennis. I will take long walks on the beach with my wife. I will have more pie fights.
- I will continue to place a priority on spending time with family and friends, enjoying the activities that we can do together.
- I will enjoy God’s gifts of nature. A walk in the park, the birds chirping, the flowers blooming, and the waves rolling along the shore. I will take at least 15 minutes a day to remind myself to slow down and “smell the roses.”
- I will control my reactions and appreciate other people’s differences. I will let others win the battles that don’t matter. It’s just not worth getting worked up over things.
- I will recharge my batteries sooner and more often. As an entrepreneur, it is easy to work 24/7. But I know that I should take time off, let my body relax, and reward myself with breaks.
- I will be happy with where I am at any given time and give my all to the people I am with at the time but eagerly and optimistically anticipate the thrill of the next great adventure.
I hope my introspection gives you some ideas. Please take time out of your busy day to contemplate your journey and make it one enjoyable ride! You only live once.
“Enjoy all that you have while pursuing all you want.” -Jim Rohn
What We Can All Learn From American Idol
One of the things I enjoy doing with my family during our designated “family time” is to watch reality television shows. While reality TV has its critics, there are lessons to be learned.
Episodes of Amazing Race, Survivor, Shark Tank, Undercover Boss, and American Idol have provided opportunities for thought-provoking conversations with my children. Take this past season’s Amazing Race as an example. In one of the episodes, a husband and wife team “ran their mouths” without considering the impressions they were making on the other racers.
During the very next segment of the show, a team in front of this annoying team “U-turned” the couple. For those of you who don’t watch the show, a U-turn results in an extra challenge. Their extra challenge entailed sending and receiving an SOS message using Morse code. Too difficult for the team, they came in last place and were sent home. Does this episode ring a bell for you? Do self-control, character, likability, attitude, and respect come to mind?
American Idol has also supplied me with many lessons to share with my children, and none of them have anything to do with singing. Here are three lessons with one common theme, consistently portrayed each season:
Present yourself with confidence
Regardless of age or experience, it is so clear who has confidence and who does not. The performers who presented themselves with confidence looked confident, acted confident, walked with confidence, sounded confident in their interviews, and belted out the songs with confidence.
The judges, from the initial auditions to the finale, stressed the importance of presenting yourself with confidence. Getting “America’s vote” was no different. The contestants with the most confidence were the ones who received the most votes week after week.
The big takeaway here is that people can intuitively tell if you are confident in what you are doing or saying. Being confident is one thing. Portraying it is another.
A few words of caution. There is a fine line between confidence and arrogance. Arrogant people are easy to identify. They are the ones who can’t stop telling everyone how good they are.
Start to be aware of how you present yourself through email, over the phone, and in person, and consider how you can present yourself with more confidence.
Think before you speak
Making it to the top four, contestant Michael Lynch proudly announced his goal was to make the top three. As soon as I heard his words, I told my family he was done. The judges commented on it as well and America voted him out on the very night his interview was aired.
I have noticed that each season’s top three finalists choose their words carefully. They know America is judging them by not only how well they sing and perform, but also by the things they say on camera.
Just as America is judging these contestants on what they say, the people around you are forming opinions of you based on the things you say. Don’t allow yourself to get sloppy and say things without thinking about them first.
Accept bad news with dignity
Another common trait among the performers revealed itself during the judges’ critiques. The top performers never looked dismayed, discouraged, or made excuses when critiqued by the judges. While deep down inside they may have been devastated, you couldn’t tell from their facial expressions or their verbal reactions. They understood the importance of having a “game face” and the importance of accepting constructive criticism.
Coping properly with bad news and being prepared to accept their fate became part of their personal brand. No way would America make someone the next American Idol if they whined, complained, or made excuses.
As you go about your daily activities, remember that just as America is instinctively forming opinions of contestants on American Idol based on the way they present themselves, the people in your life are instinctively forming opinions of you based on how you present yourself.
If you will present yourself as a person worthy of getting America’s vote, you will win the respect and praise of those who are watching.
Learn to Enjoy What You Don’t Enjoy
Not everything in life is fun. Not everything in life is interesting. There are plenty of things that we have to do even though we don’t want to do them. Whether it’s going to work, cleaning the house, or helping a friend move, there are things we would prefer not to do. The question is, do you take on these tasks with a good or a bad attitude?
I see and talk to people almost every day who are clearly doing things they don’t enjoy. It may be the teller at the bank, the checkout person at the store, or the guy fixing our air conditioner. Unfortunately, they are distinctly telegraphing their displeasure.
Can you distinguish between the people who enjoy what they do from those who don’t? How can you tell? Is it communicated through their body language? Is it written all over their faces? Can you hear it in their voices?
The other day I was at a restaurant, and the server was clearly having a bad day. Her unpleasant attitude was apparent in the way we were greeted, the snarl on her face when she took our order, and the way she interacted with the other servers.
Let’s take a look at the two options that were available to the server to determine which one makes more sense:
Option #1- She could have a bad attitude, take our order, bring us our food, get a bad tip, and feel worse.
Option #2- She could have a good attitude, take our order, bring us our food, get a good tip, and feel better.
Regardless of the choice she made, she was going to have to take our order and bring us our food. Whatever was bothering her wasn’t going to go away with her downbeat disposition, nor were dollars going to start falling from the sky to brighten her day. There was no upside to be gained from having a bad attitude.
The fact is, her attitude reflected poorly on her and the restaurant and made for an unpleasant work experience for her co-workers. But perhaps the saddest part of all is how her poor choice affected her personally.
Here is one of my life’s philosophies: if you are going to do something, do it with a great attitude and find a way to enjoy it. I mean, if there is no getting around having to do something, then why not do it with a great attitude? NOTHING is gained by doing things with a poor attitude.
Here are a few tips to help you enjoy the things you don’t enjoy:
1. Think positively. If you consistently say to yourself that you don’t like to do something, you won’t. You must begin to guard your thoughts and make sure you don’t allow them to get negative. Remember, how you look at something impacts your attitude towards it. Be creative and challenge yourself to look for the good in the things you don’t enjoy.
2. Learn from the experience. If you think positively, there’s a good chance something can be learned from the very thing you thought you didn’t enjoy. Even if the only thing you learn is that you can do things you don’t like doing with a good attitude, you will have learned one of life’s most valuable lessons.
3. Focus on the benefits. When you make the decision to enjoy the things you don’t enjoy, you will be happier both in the short term and in the long run. You’ll feel better about yourself and people’s respect for you will grow. Always keep in mind there is NO benefit that comes from doing things with a bad attitude. Even if you are trying to make a point that you don’t want to do something, you will likely look like a big baby instead.
Take a few minutes today to identify the things you don’t enjoy doing. Being honest with yourself, do you think others can sense you don’t enjoy doing them? How is your attitude affecting you and those around you?
Here is my challenge to you: if you are going to do something, find a way to enjoy doing it. Whether it’s your full-time job or cleaning up after someone, don’t allow yourself to cop a bad attitude. If you sense one is starting to brew, remind yourself that you are in control and the choice you make affects you and everyone around you.
For every unpleasant situation you face, it’s your choice how to respond. You can choose to make the best of it or let it get the best of you.
Committed to Excellence – A Tribute to John Wooden
Coach John Wooden, arguably the most successful college basketball coach, died last Friday at the age of 99. Under his leadership, UCLA won 10 NCAA championships in 12 years, 7 back-to-back national titles, and 88 consecutive games. In 1973, he was the first person to be honored by the Basketball Hall of Fame as both a player and a coach. Known as the Wizard of Westwood, Wooden preferred to be called “Coach.”
Wooden’s death has sparked a flurry of articles and blog posts paying tribute to the giant for his accomplishments and teachings both on and off the basketball court. Many of his guiding principles have been the subject of my lessons here on Little Things Matter, and one is particularly consistent with the overall theme. “It’s the little details that are vital. Little things make big things happen.” I thought it only fitting then that today’s post be dedicated to the memory of John Wooden.
If you ask any of the young men who played for him, they will tell you that he taught them as much about life as he did about basketball. He always treated his players with respect and imparted far more than Xs and Os. He taught them a way to live.
Practice began every day at 3:00 and ended at exactly 5:30. Why? He knew the value of maintaining a balance between his work and his family. At the age of 99, he was still writing love letters to the only woman he ever dated, his wife who predeceased him by 24 years.
Wooden never used profanity and was intensely loyal to his family, to his job, and to his city. He was a meticulous planner and strategist. His commitment to excellence was at the forefront of everything he did and he never wavered.
Wooden’s teachings were embodied in what has become known as the Pyramid of Success, patterned after advice handed down from his father: “Be true to yourself, help others, make each day your masterpiece, make friendship a fine art, drink deeply from good books — especially the Bible — build a shelter against a rainy day, give thanks for your blessings, and pray for guidance every day.”
Wooden created the Pyramid of Success as an attempt to define success in his own way and as a model for becoming a better person. He lived it, and his players knew it. Leadership by example at its finest.
We would all be well served to incorporate Wooden’s 15 attributes for excellence, including his personal definition of success (“a peace of mind which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best that you are capable of being”) into our own lives.
Some of the other components of the pyramid include integrity, self-control, enthusiasm, and initiative. Six decades later, the foundational behaviors have withstood the test of time. The lessons he taught his players have transcended from the wooden floor into our communities, at home, and in the workplace.
During his retirement, Wooden was a sought-after public speaker, acclaimed author, and mentor to young coaches. His wisdom was rock solid and his selfless gifts and vision will be remembered for years to come.
I leave you with some of Coach Wooden’s other pearls of wisdom:
Be more concerned with your character than your reputation because your character is what you really are while your reputation is merely what others think you are.
Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.
Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.
Never mistake activity for achievement.
Be prepared to be honest.
Ability may get you to the top, but it takes character to keep you there.
You can’t live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you.
Thank you, Coach Wooden, for your life lessons. May you rest in peace.
We can’t control how long we will live, but we can control how we will be remembered. What do you want to be said in your tribute?
Building Rapport by Making Others Comfortable
Have you ever talked to a person on the phone or met with someone for the first time and sensed they felt uneasy? How could you tell? Were they reserved? Did they fidget and seem nervous or just a little awkward? If so, what did you do? Did you just go on about your business, or did you make an effort to make them feel more comfortable?
Your Goal
In the course of our normal, everyday lives, we are going to meet people for the first time who may feel a bit uncomfortable. Perhaps they don’t know what to expect, they are ill at ease in social situations, or nervous about making a good impression.
Whatever the reason, your goal in all of these situations is to make the person feel more relaxed and at ease. Going out of your way to be friendly and welcoming will start the conversation going, accelerate the rapport-building process, and diminish the person’s anxiety. In short order, you’ll have created a positive impression and made yourself more likable.
As you become more successful and people’s respect for you grows, making people feel comfortable plays an even larger role in your rapport-building.
My Experience
This may sound a bit egotistical, but it’s not meant to be. I just find that because of my success, people are unsure of themselves when they meet me for the first time. I can frequently sense this feeling in the first few seconds. Their uneasiness is communicated through their voice tone, how they measure their words, and their body language.
After experiencing hundreds of these initial encounters, I have learned that being extra friendly and showing an interest in them goes a long way toward making them feel more comfortable. It’s that simple.
In Person or On the Phone
If I sense that someone is uncomfortable during a phone conversation, I try to be welcoming and friendly and engage in small talk. I seldom dive into a personal or business conversation with anyone I have never met without first showing an interest in them.
Here is an example of what I might say to someone on the phone I have never met. With a smile and a pleasant and upbeat voice, I would say, “It’s nice to meet you. How are you doing today?” I will then ask a couple of ice-breaking questions, such as “What part of the country are you from?” “How was your weekend?” or anything else that can put them at ease.
When getting together with someone I have never met, I will offer a warm and friendly greeting. Generally, I’ll initiate the meeting with a comfortably-firm handshake and good eye contact. After introducing myself, I will proactively engage in some small talk and ask some general conversation-starter questions, demonstrating interest. For example, I might want to know where they got the tie they are wearing, and this can lead to a conversation about the store, the mall, or the traffic. Keep the conversation flowing by asking open-ended questions that can lead to other topics.
Be Intentional
I find that most people are shy and feel some discomfort in new situations and therefore, putting people at ease is a high priority. I’m now intentional about going out of my way to make everyone I meet feel respected and important to me. This includes all the people I meet, regardless of whether or not they know my background or experience. I do it with everyone. The end result is that it has made me a better person and has enabled me to quickly build rapport with people.
Before you start saying “That’s easy for you, Todd,” keep in mind, I am an extreme introvert. This does not come naturally to me. It requires a conscious and deliberate effort every time.
My Challenges to You
I want to challenge you to start focusing on making new people you’ve never met feel valued, appreciated, and more comfortable. Go out of your way to show your interest in them and the things that are important to them.
For those of you who are saying to yourself, “I already do this,” I want to challenge you to look for the little refinements you can make to improve the process. I have learned that if you are striving for excellence to achieve your personal best, you can always get better.
Lastly, I want to challenge you to actively look for situations where people are uncomfortable, such as the new employee, a first-time visitor to your club or organization, or someone standing off to the side at your next social event. When these situations present themselves, push yourself outside your comfort zone and go make a new friend.
When you show an interest in others, you will brighten their day and connect in a special way.
One of the Most Powerful Things You Can Say
One of my favorite quotes comes from the extraordinary public speaker, Robert Cavett. Robert said, “Three billion people on the face of the earth go to bed hungry every night, but four billion people go to bed every night hungry for a simple word of encouragement and recognition.” My heart goes out to those who are starving to be noticed, valued, and appreciated.
In yesterday’s post, I talked about the importance of recognizing and encouraging yourself because you can’t expect to be recognized or encouraged by others. Very few people make the effort to say positive and uplifting things to others, but those who do stand out like the light of a freight train in a dark tunnel.
When you encourage others, you lift their spirits, enhance their self-confidence, and add fuel to their motivational fire. Perhaps more than anything, you give them hope and inspiration. Wow, if simple words of encouragement can do so much to enhance someone’s life, why don’t we all do more of it? How long could it take? 10 seconds?
The power of a compliment
I went fishing a couple of weeks ago with an acquaintance of mine. I really don’t know Kevin very well, as he is a friend of one of my friends. Kevin greeted me with a huge smile and said, “The last time I went fishing with you, you said one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me.” A little surprised, I asked him what he meant. He explained that I paid him a huge compliment when I told him how well he fought and eventually caught that 55-pound Amberjack.
Wow! I didn’t remember giving him this accolade, but he remembered! Not only did he remember, he remembered it 10 months later. Who would have thought such a little, unintentional statement would make such a lasting impression?
Recognizing and encouraging others
While I have my theories about why most people find it difficult to pay someone a compliment or take the time to give a person some positive reinforcement, the point is that they don’t. The crazy thing is, it is something we can do in less than 10 seconds, yet has the potential to make a lasting impression.
How about taking the time to make someone’s day? Be intentional about looking for the good in others and telling them what you see. Even the people who you think don’t need to hear an encouraging word need one. In fact, they may be the people who need to hear it the most.
Do you have a spouse or significant other who needs a few words of encouragement?
Do you have a child who aspires to win a race or be accepted to a certain college?
Perhaps your friend is down in the dumps, and a word of encouragement from you is all they need to change their mood.
Remember, what you give, you get in return. When you begin to look for the good in others, it’s only natural they will begin to look for the good in you.
My challenge to you
When you see people working hard to reach a goal, take 10 seconds to encourage them. If you have seen progress in their pursuit, tell them what you have observed. Your words of encouragement may be just what they need to keep their dreams alive.
Phrases like “You’re doing a great job,” “Keep up the good work,” or “You rock!” will go a long way in making a difference in someone’s outlook.
Make sure your words communicate your genuine feelings. While the words themselves are powerful, the feelings behind the words are what will be remembered.
Here is my double challenge to you: before going to bed tonight, will you find three people to encourage, recognize, or compliment? Just three! Will you do it?
If you want to see how your words can impact others, watch the award-winning film with more than 3.5 million YouTube views called Validation. It is the BEST short film I have ever seen. If you can’t watch it now, save this post and return to it when you have 17 minutes. If you have children, watch it with them.
When you look for the good in others and tell them what you see, you will lift their spirits, enhance their self-image, and make a lasting impression.
Become Your Greatest Fan
We live in a world where it is rare for people to compliment and encourage others. Take a moment to think about your interactions in the last month. I bet you are like most people; you can count your compliments and acknowledgments on one hand.
My straightforward advice then is for you to fill those shoes yourself. Don’t depend on others to be your cheerleader. You need to become your greatest fan and supporter.
As you are learning in all of my lessons, there are hundreds of little things that go into achieving your personal best. You just cannot reasonably expect others to know all the little things you are doing each day and recognize you for them.
Speaker and best-selling author Brian Tracy said, “You have to put in many, many, many tiny efforts that nobody sees or appreciates before you achieve anything worthwhile.” This is why it is up to you to recognize yourself for even your smallest of efforts.
It’s All About YOU
If you choose to exercise even though you didn’t feel like it, look in the mirror, smile at yourself, and say “Great job!”
If you have the propensity to make poor food choices, but today you made a good choice, tell yourself how happy you are about the decision you made.
If you have been going the extra mile to really listen to people and not interrupt, then congratulate yourself on your progress.
If you were proud of the way you handled a difficult situation, spend a few minutes and think about how you are growing as a person.
If you have just achieved a personal goal, go out to your favorite restaurant to celebrate.
If you are working on being more likable and you leave a conversation feeling like you really connected with the other person, then give yourself a high five.
If being friendly does not come naturally to you, but today you pushed yourself to smile, make eye contact, and say hi to the store clerk, then reflect on the experience and push yourself to keep taking these baby steps each day.
If your co-workers are speaking poorly of someone and while you share their views, you withhold your comment, be proud of your restraint.
There are numerous opportunities in the course of a normal day to do things that will make you a better person, a person worthy of achieving your goals. When you do these things, whether small or large, pat yourself on the back and give yourself the confidence to keep pushing.
Please know this is not about being conceited or egotistical. It’s about acknowledging the good things you do and recognizing yourself for them. To me, it is pretty simple. If you aren’t saying positive and encouraging things to yourself, it will be hard to have a good self-image.
Remember that self-talk influences every aspect of our lives. Positive self-talk translates into positive self-esteem. Negative self-talk does just the opposite. You may want to re-read the posts, The Power of Self-Talk, Being Honest With Ourselves, and I Said It, and I Meant It to reinforce how you are the one in control of your internal dialogue.
Write It Down
If you are struggling with a low self-image, I challenge you to write down everything you do in the course of a day that contributes to making you a better person. Carry a small notepad in your pocket, purse, or briefcase.
If you open the door for someone, write it down. If you went out of your way to show your appreciation to someone, write it down. If you normally don’t make your bed, but today you did, write it down.
If you pushed yourself outside your comfort zone to make a call you needed to make, write it down. If you took 30 minutes to read a good book, rather than watching TV, write it down. If you smiled and answered the phone with a friendly voice, write it down. If you showed up for the meeting on time and well prepared, write it down.
Set a goal to make a list of at least 10 things a day that you are proud to have accomplished. If you will do this for 21 straight days, I guarantee that you will feel differently about yourself. You will have an improved attitude. You will be happier. You will have more confidence in your abilities. You will be more motivated and inspired to work towards reaching your long-term goals.
Will you take me up on my challenge? Is how you feel about yourself important enough to make this list for 21 days in a row? If this is the case, don’t go to bed this evening until you have written down 10 positive things, however small they may be.
As I described in my post Accelerating Your Success, your ultimate success will come from the compounding effect of doing all the little things you do on a daily basis to get better.
If you look to others for words of encouragement and praise, you won’t find them. Instead, look to yourself.
I Said It, and I Meant It!
Think of the last time you exercised and said to yourself, “I can do it” or “I can do three more reps” or “I can go another 10 minutes” with grit and determination. Did your words make you push harder? Did you give your very best effort to achieve your desired outcome?
Now think of an occasion when you said things like “I am tired today” or “I don’t think I can do anymore” or “I can’t go any longer.” What happened? Did this little voice in the back of your mind sound defeated? Were you able to push yourself, or did you give up?
The common denominator in both circumstances is your inner voice. Yet the results are dramatically different depending on the nature of your “conversation.” Your statements can either give you the energy to push harder, or they can suck the life out of you and cause you to quit.
The Power of Self-talk post describes how the conversations we have with ourselves influence every part of our lives. If our internal dialog is positive and focuses on our talents, skills, and abilities, we are encouraged, optimistic, and more likely to achieve our goals.
On the other hand, if our thoughts focus on our faults, mistakes, weaknesses, insecurities, or fears, it will be virtually impossible to feel confident and advance our lives forward.
All of this illustrates that what we say to ourselves impacts our emotions, attitude, and outlook. Since this internal dialog is so important, how can we use it to help us achieve our personal best?
The answer is simple. Be intentional about saying things to yourself that will help you achieve your desired outcome.
Guiding Statements
Throughout my career, I have consistently focused on using what I call guiding statements– statements designed to help direct my thinking.
Here are some examples of the types of guiding statements I say to myself:
- If I am working on an important project that must be completed today, I will say “I will get this done today” over and over again throughout the day.
- If I am listening to someone and feel I have something important to contribute, I will say “Listen and don’t interrupt.”
- If I am getting frustrated or defensive, I will repeat in my mind “Speak in love.”
- If I am thinking about something that is depressing me, I will say, “I am not going to think about XX (failure, mistake, or blunder) any longer. I have learned all I can learn and I am moving on.” Then I use my self-control to change my thinking.
If I want to think positive or optimistic thoughts, I will use positive affirmations such as, “I can do it,” “I will be successful at this,” “I will give a killer presentation,” “I will earn that promotion,” “I will walk across the stage and get that award,” or “I am getting better every day.” There are literally thousands of positive statements, individually designed, that can help you focus your thoughts in a positive direction.
The extensive research on this subject proves without a shadow of a doubt that the things we say to ourselves influence our beliefs, attitudes, and actions and ultimately the level of success, happiness, and fulfillment we enjoy.
Positive thoughts, spoken out loud to ourselves become positive statements, and if taken one step further, become guides for our thinking on a daily basis.
Yesterday, I played tennis with my brother. In the third set, I was so delirious from physical exhaustion that I struggled to keep track of the score. I even lost track of who was serving. I knew if I wanted to win, I would need to step up my game, concentrate, and give 100% of myself. So after every point, I kept saying to myself “Focus, focus, focus, focus, focus,” until I was completely focused on what I wanted to do.
Repetition of a simple positive statement and the resulting focus allowed me to give that extra effort. My positive statement became my reality and the tipping point for the big win!
How to Use Guiding Statements
Repetition is the key to effective guiding statements. The more you repeat these statements in your mind with vigor and passion, the more you will believe in them.
It’s also possible to use these types of statements to effectively reprogram your thinking. Repetition over a long period of time can replace negative self-defeating thoughts, reservations, and fears with positive, encouraging, and inspirational thoughts. You can become the next Rocky. Really.
If you want to reprogram some negative thinking, write out your positive affirmations and read them throughout the day. Recently I saw John Maxwell at a leadership event carrying a laminated card with his personal goals and positive statements. This card accompanies him everywhere he goes as a constant reminder of his desired outcomes.
I realize this is a tough subject to cover in a short blog post, but don’t underestimate the value of this lesson. Using this strategy over the years has allowed me to control my thinking by programming the thoughts that go through my head.
My ability to control my thinking has given me total confidence that I can do anything I put my mind to. If that negative voice in the back of my mind opens its mouth, I shut it down and change my thoughts with my guiding statements.
Using positive affirmations and guiding statements opens your mind to see solutions and opportunities that would normally be overlooked. As a natural consequence, you’ll feel better about yourself and most importantly you will be able to guide your thoughts to help you achieve your goals.
Let me challenge you to start using these types of statements today. Don’t just utter the words. Say it like you mean it! These statements are mini goals that pack a powerful punch.
You have the ability to control your thinking and by controlling it, you take control of your future.
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